good effort. tended to jump back and forth a little much for me and some of the wording made it hadr and confusing to read. would be something i would have to read over. the story of the robot didnt make much sense to me or why it was in with the rest of the story. could use some work to clean it up a bit. good details, good ending.

I loved it. it speaks to the heart and isnt preachy. i know how you feel. you could almost write one now to speak of how youve changed for the better from that experience. you could even add to this, it could almost be a song. writing is a catharsis and i would love to read more from you.

i liked it..almost like lyrics to a song..the last verse didnt seems to fit or flow as well with the other ones, but maybe that was the point..it also feels like its not quite done, like you have more to say..i'd like to read more from you..good job..

its good..simple..you could almost transform this from a poem to a story about this girl..you could also have a series of poems about her and life..it really flows kind of like you are talking and i like that..keep up the good work

its good. it definatly has potential. it kind of feels like the characters are a bit..fuzzy around the edges. i think they have a good basic outline but they need to be a bit more solid. and this isnt really a problem, but if it ever got published for the united states, the aussie slang would need to be edited, as it can be a bit distracting. then again, thats the only way you know exactly where this takes place. work on back stories. when you know the characters backwards and forwards, as we...

its good. i know the rhyming this was supposed to be sort of like dr suess, but to be honest with you, it was kind of distracting. i mean, you shouldnt have to..find things that will rhyme..like mat and trap..overall, it has a good theme and i say if you work on it, it will be good. the rhyming is cute, but not necessary. i would love to read this when its finally finished and illustrated.

as far as this being lyrics, i dont know. it makes a good poem, but as lyrics, i cant hear the melody, it dosnt seem to flow musically. and i dont see how the title has anything to do with the actually poem. good, but if its supposed to be a song, make it flow a little better.