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magsd1978's profile
AGE:
30
LOC: Homestead, PA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 07
LOC: Homestead, PA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 07
Very little to say. I’m 28. I’ve been writing since I was 15…short stories, poetry, and I am working on my first novel. My hope is that my work will mean something to someone.
Items
Version 2
16 Reviews
6 Comments
Never a dancer, she has the grace. Never a rider, she has the verve. My sister. The ballerina, the motorcycle. Racing through life, running a course of hairpin turns. Balanced, never falling, discipline hidden under fluid form. Craving the adventure, wanting the bar. Seeking the freedom, needing the stage. Beauty and speed. My sister.
Version 2
18 Reviews
2 Comments
Blank page, stark white. Void of ink, empty of possibility. No blank canvas. Black hole in negative light. Ink needs to flow, words need liberation. Seeking inspiration reaching further back. Dark corners real or imagined? Shy away, return to white abyss.
Version 1
59 Reviews
21 Comments
Palm of pills, why is sanity such a rainbow? Orange hexagon, tangerine relief brings balance, eases despair. Erratic yoyo of emotion string now a shorter leash. White oval, chalky comfort calms racing thoughts, appeases unfounded fears. Cold terror warmed under a blanket of rational belief. Stalled your healing, mending no more. The palm overflows. Now unsteady the hand holding hope. New pharmaceutical foundations to the unsteady structure, my mind. I refuse, reject. No azure round salvation,...
Version 2
2 Reviews
0 Comments
Fluorescent reflections at three a.m. I sit among insomniac smokers Each booth a section within space and time Cocoons of difference and sameness Outside darkness turning windows to mirrors I stare See myself See them Blending in the glass A moment on each face We are the same Not now, but then I was you. Young Lolita at Table One Hard beneath soft youth Smiling flirtations and humorless laughs Sad beneath Those boys you love, don’t love you back Cannot complete you, won’t even try You’ll fin...
Version 1
4 Reviews
7 Comments
The color of surrender Soaking up Tossing back No comfort found No softening Sins unforgiven No stain found Occupants of sterility see a germless filth
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Reviews
A very nice contribution to the Urbis community. So many writers come here looking to publish and this is the first truly constructive advice I've seen here. I was wondering if it might be helpful if you included whether you yourself have been published before. Not that that is in any way the determination of your creative authority, but it might help the readers of your piece better accept your advice. Thank you again for a wonderful contribution to the Urbis learning environment.
I have no doubt that the antics of the character could be appealing to all age groups, I don't know that starting a young adult novel at this point would work. I would perhaps think about beginning at the adolescent age of the character with either a prologue or the first chapter then flashback to tell the whole story. If you are aiming for an adolescent reader, it might work best to present the main character as a peer before delving into his history.
I like the angle and think it has promise. Some grammar things... Line 2 no comma after "continues" and their is misspelled Line 3 use "artsy types:" Line 4 "discovered, I" Line 5 comma after "speak" Line 7 "stable. Her" and "feet; it" Line 8 "later, wheezing" Line 10 "article, Sara" Line 11 "That's right. A small" and "short-legged, bug-eyed" Line 12 "dog with the heart and soul of a canine many times my size and the attitude..." and "than" not "then" Line 13 "monkey's" and "walking, I" That...
Solid draft for a good story. In line 2 I don't necessarily think "thrived" is the right word choice. Maybe "writhed"? There are quite a few grammatical, possessive, and tense issues I'd edit for but I don't want to eat up credits pointing them out. Just re-read it line by line and you'll catch them. A little more character development would help the reader be more engaged. Overall, I think it has great potential. Good luck and keep writing.
I liked your piece. It was a stark critique of the pressures that today's weddings put everyone under. I understand as my wedding became more about what others wanted than maybe my husband and my wishes. My only issue is that its a touch on the bitter side. One of your goals was to warm a few hearts and this piece fails there. I am not trying to take away from your piece b/c I enjoyed its frank style but I'd think of rephrasing some parts if that is truly your goal. I think if you want to att...
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