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LAST LOGIN: October 26
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Version 1
7 Reviews
0 Comments
Yesterday's questions are still unanswered, Out of the blue you expect my loyalty absolute Underneath the sheets you make me promise But I never hear it reciprocate Enless worry now fills my head Tomorrow is hopeful Tomorrow is to be feared as well Every bit of me feels sick Resonating circumstance seems devastating No more pain Only truth Trust my heart, I trust yours How many dreams must I have Ultimate judgment has yet to come Remember who you told that you loved Try to ignore temptation ...
Version 1
5 Reviews
1 Comment
My scraped knees bleed only temporarily, And my brain only hurts til I fall asleep, My heart only hurts until my labido is fulfilled, My temper is calmed by an obnoxious belch, And my self-esteem feels better after a good laugh. When I expire, I wish to leave my legacy, A mark upon the lives I have helped to mold, Why I die is never a question, It is merely a change in my state of being; A release from the hell of my flesh. I have no doubt that I will shed my pride in the end, and whatever n...
Version 1
5 Reviews
1 Comment
Although you tried, in vain, the chain was never around my neck, and never was I your pet to beg and train. Never did you ever think of my thoughts, my love hurt for that, Never did you ever ask of my desires, my care was forfeit, Never did you ever try to make it more, my sex was turned off to you. Long before I slam the cover of our book, I wish to advise, My heart lost all feeling, and I couldn't feel my chest, The trust that once flourished in the light of your supposed love... Lost, I'm...
Version 1
4 Reviews
0 Comments
In my aging eyes you can see torment beyond my years, Faith decayed and stained my fingernails crimson, And too many questions are hypothetical these days. Annoying plagues arrange themselves freely among us, And we are forced to deal with it, Well, I'm tired of the tragic misuse of divinity and diety, I mean, for once let me live my life unhindered. But nevertheless, my scar tissue is branded with the mark, A biblical beast left its mark on me and my so called government. Or rather what use...
Version 1
8 Reviews
0 Comments
It's probably on of the hardest things to describe. The sensation resonates in your toes and almost instantly surges throughout your entire body, finally ceasing in the pit of your stomach. For all the right reasons, you feel wrong. Certain moral values are burnt into you as a child, but then, at that exact moment, you could care less about morality. Aside from obvious formalities, communication is strictly physical at first and often from across a crowded room. You stare. The gaze is returne...
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Reviews
This poem has beautiful imagery, but I don't know exactly what is going on. If it was meant to be a non-sense poem, that's cool, but if it was supposed to have a purpose of telling a story or describing something, it didn't do so very well.
I'm not going to give you any critique at all. I believe that your flow and pace are nearly perfect and the theme holds true throughout the entire piece. I think that somewhere down the road all of us have had one or many reasons to have a similar dream or perhaps a conscious desire to place ourselves there in front of that train with you. It's sad how life just turns out that way naturally. Love sucks, Life sucks. Great Job.
I think you are doing a really good job and that you definatly have a good idea of what you want. I would have to say that I think this is really heavy and you may want to lay off some of the language and only keep what it is that you need to maintain the same effect...the only time you really should overuse language is in comedies and only for sheer shock effect. Some language is okay. Also, you may want to stay away from really long monologues from one person. You can easily fix those by br...
Really good. Heres some notes: LINE - should include MUST BE or HAS BEEN instead of HAS BE. LINE 23 - BELLS TOLL seems a little awkward to me, only my personal opinion. LINES 21 & 22 - I really like these, so true. Really awesome.
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This is a great narrative. The artistic imagery is beautifully communicated and I love the intense and intimate attention to detail. Honestly, my critique lies in the semantics. This piece of art is nearly perfect, so to speak. However, I came into it expecting a short story. For this to qualify as a short story, you would have to adhere to gramatical structure more. Poetry can break grammar rules, however, for this to be concidered a story you would need to have complete sentences and truly ...
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