marcus_pfeiffer's profile
AGE:
43
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 17
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 17
I’m a shrink and a published poet by a UK literary imprint. I thought I’d try out Urbis by asking for feedback on these first draft of this short poem – swan.
I am not certain every word is perfect sonically or rhythmically but I’m told it’s very close. So, fellow poets – your comments please and, in advance,
Thank you.
M.Pfeiffer.
( apologies that I am not here more often ; I will reply to all messages)
Items
Version 1
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Patrician swan, In holy diamond clothing, Cleaves water disdainfully; As I flounder, mortal , below his notice, beneath his elegance. Angels, speak to my swan for me, That I am ready ; finished here and done So He might raise That white and silvered piping, Make His clarion call, And tell my time has come.
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Version 11
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Patrician swan, In holy diamond clothing, Cleaving water disdainfully ; I am beneath his elegance, below his notice. Angels, speak to my swan for me, Tell him I am done here So he might raise That white and silvered piping, Make his clarion call, And tell my time has come.
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Version 10
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Patrician swan, In holy diamond clothing, Cleaving water lake disdainfully ; I am not worth his notice. Angels, speak to my swan for me, That one day he will raise That white and silvered piping, To make his clarion call, And tell my time has come.
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Version 9
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Patrician swan, In holy diamond clothing, Cleaving water lake disdainfully ; I am not worth his notice. Angels, speak to my swan for me, That one day he will raise That white and silvered piping, To make his clarion call, And tell my time has come.
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Version 8
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Patrician swan, In holy diamond clothing, Cleaving water lake disdainfully ; I am not worth his notice. Angels, speak to my swan for me, That one day he will raise That white and silvered piping, To make his clarion call, And tell my time has come.
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Reviews
I was very moved ; although I can think of one or two improvements, this work is very good. I do hope your boy's psyche can mitigate/ heal and that both of your lives improve. You are courageous, and courage is rarer than gold. Apologies but due to a bereavement I am unable to review in more detail at present. In time I hope to do that. Pfeiffer.
good work. Apologies but due to a bereavement I am unable to review in detail at present. In time I hope to do that. Pfeiffer.
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