marebarr's profile

Do you have a single brother? This is wonderful and sweet and well said. The one line that bothers me a little, if you were going to tweak anything, is the stopped all sounds - something is off there, even though the rhyme is correct. I am glad someone in the world feels this way.

raw, real, simple, and just enough detail. you should send this piece around. should it be "my innocence" not me innocent

There are some great lines in here such as the moths and the sharp crack, bodies burst open. I would go deeper in this poem, perhaps the seekers don't offer what she is truly looking for (it is a fact that men want sex and women want love). so thwarted by her own inhibitions feels like if falls short. I would work on the last four lines to make this what it truly can be - great. also, soiled dove is harsh and could be a turn off to the reader, there is prob a more interesting way to say that,...

Very sweet. Simple. A moment we can all identify with. The last line is particularly good.

This is great. Great lines "voices silenced..." Overall clarity of message/story and melodic, almost pulsing and seductive rhythm, which work very well in this piece. To have it published, it probably needs just a little more, you know that final touch. So, I would keep working on the rhythm, and toward the end, because the opening is so strong, find another way to say, for instance, "passions web"