I love this thought and think many could connect. It is quiet, like you are now and I think you should work on that some more, making it real quiet. Also, you need something in the beginning that is less cliche. Because it is real solid and well done, but a special ending needs a couple of special descriptions in the first or second stanza. I look forward to reading the revision. Thank you.

This is direct, clear and exactly how a person feels when they have to deliver this message. "Get it and goodbye". I wish you luck with the song and the rest.

Hi - I would try to add a bit of imagery here and take out the apple falling from the tree because that is cliche. This idea is something we all struggle or have struggled with, so by polishing it up, perfecting imagery, and expressing the essence of this beautifully, it becomes ever mans story. Thanks. Mary

Thanks for the clear, concise summary of this book. Sounds like a good read. But also an ad, which is not what I bargained for.

Pretty fabulous. Great ending, saying it two times. Love the echo, especially in light of the image of "mouthing incantations". Also loved abandoned entire countries at whim. I would work on the line "men without fear". You might be able to say it better to fit with the other wonderful snippets here. Thanks. Mary

I still love this piece. The ending is very strong. The questions build as we read the first stanzas and then we start to realize what it is all about. This is also a fabulous line "A tickly cough of nothing; meant though, earnestly." Nice. Thanks. Mary

I would say this is very strong, especially the last two stanzas. I really like it. However, in the first stanza or two, there is a hint of ego, just a hint : "A sudden magnificence, Of strength." And while I know what you are feeling, this power, because I ride too, pieces work better without any heroics. Just an opinion. thanks. Mary

Good rhythm and sweet sentiment. But needs a little something extra perhaps away from cliche. Every soul has one of these lumbering, stirring and beautiful memories. But keep the rhythm going in your head and play with the words and see if you can fit some in there that express it in a new way.

I like the message and the insight you share about how "hate" happens and what people - the givers - get from spreading. It can happen in big ways. But often happens is little ways. The pain and the price is so high. Thanks for saying it so quietly and clearly.

Clear and direct. Tells a tale so many of us know. So sad. Good luck with it man. And when you survive it and are on your own, find alanon or a good counselor to help you get the skills and peace they could never give you. Keep writing it and writing it and dreaming and planning and expressing yourself. Addiction is fed by feelings stuffed, feeling that the boozer thinks they are not entitled to, feeling that the drunk thinks are "stupid" or babyish.It is asprin for their inner hurt. Don't tu...