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marigold_etienne's profile
AGE:
19
LOC: New Orleans, LA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 05
LOC: New Orleans, LA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 05
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Version 1
8 Reviews
15 Comments
Gaye is in my passenger seat, smoking pot with the window down. Cold air is filling the car so that I am starting to shiver, but I am not going to say anything. Gaye should not be smoking. She does every sport our school has to offer and they recently announced that random drug testing could start taking place. Gaye shrugged this off, saying she doesn’t even wear make-up, why would anyone think she does drugs? She has these willowy lips that don’t naturally curve into anything. When she just ...
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I don't think the point of this story is important enough to warrant a piece about it. There should be more, not more in bulk, but it should mean more.
I liked the way you presented this, the flash and then darkness. I also like how that is evident in the story with the black, and the talk of lighting. But if this is a standalone piece, then you can't barely hint at something and then leave it alone. Everything has to connect, to make a point, even if the point is questions. Here, we are left without anything, we don't even know what sort of questions to ask. "How the other knew she was not sure." Is this supposed to be the "others"? It read...
The tree theme reminds me of The Sound and the Fury: "Caddy smells like trees." You use obvious, cliched descriptions where you should be ravaging us with new images, for example: "He smiled without joy." That means nothing to the reader; it does not conjure an image. I like the various people he's observing and giving us glimpses of their lives, but his observations tend to be...irritating sometimes. In all honesty, this narrator strikes up one word with me: "arrogant". After reading a few p...
My first response is that the repetition makes it almost comical...and I don't think that's what you were going for. The subject matter seems serious and yet the rhythm makes it like a rhyme children sing to themselves. If you are going for the serious, I would suggest changing it around so it doesn't read so sing-songy. "You closed the door on me," seems like a cliched image. Give the reader something they haven't read before. The subject could be really powerful, but the way you've played i...
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