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matt's profile
AGE:
29
LOC: NY, NY
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: January 17
LOC: NY, NY
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: January 17
Urbis co-founder
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Version 1
29 Reviews
3 Comments
There are four young men sitting in a circle. Perhaps they are at a table. Perhaps they are around a fire-pit. It doesn't really matter. Each takes a turn... * "If I had been courageous, I'd be married to the most attractive woman I've ever met." * "If I had been honest with myself, I would be engaged to my best friend." * "If I had been confident, I'd be living with the smartest girl I know" * "If I hadn't changed my mind so much, I'd be in love with my soulmate" The men rise from the circle...
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Version 1
9 Reviews
6 Comments
Some people are fat, others are way too skinny, but they all must eat.
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
8 Reviews
5 Comments
Like the stone breaking the surface on a windless pond they took her reflection from my life She lived for a moment, in the bean-store window then was rippled away - blocked by a FedEx truck Our eyes met, an electricity lighting our hearts that truck was a blackout of white, orange, blue Packages are inspiration for excitement but now they take away beauty too? They are thieves. Both in their rates, and in their parking. So FedEx I ask you, though your purpose is noble do not park your truck ...
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That's a hell of a thing to have stuck in one's craw. Perhaps you need a craw-bar to work it out... Did your daughters father murder your adopted mother? That's what I'm getting here. That, and that you're on drugs to deal with it. Overall sounds like a tough situation for the three year old.
I'm not entirely sure who the "he" (that worked a miracle) is at the end. I would guess it's our esteemed president, but I'm not confident in that.
I think you could have more fully explored the conflict between the church and the men working the quarry, as I believe that's the point of the piece. It starts well, describing activities the men do that the church wouldn't approve of, but the men aren't mentioned again. Also, are you working in the quarry? A member of the church? An innocent bystander?
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While it's been done over and over, the concept of showing how people deal with the loss of someone close to them -- especially in screwy imagine-theyre-still-alive ways -- is fascinating. You could do more to explain the relationship between the narrator and the person they are missing. Why are they gone? Did they jump to their death through a bedroom window? At first I thought there was some criminal activity involved, but...not sure at the end.
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