matthewtrent's profile

I just reviewed the next chaper in this story prior to this one. With a few suggestions, this piece can go from good to great. Briefly, you have far too many run-on sentences. You use and in almost every other sentence. The flow of your work is pretty quick as you build this amazing story yet the sentence structuring negates your effort. Do a hard redraft eliminating the run-ons. I pose one suggestion in my following notes. On content, I tackle one inconsistency in the notes but one still rem...

Yet another tragic tale for the lonely hearted. Not sure who is more pathetic, Steve for being a pedophile or Bobcat for his choice in hairstyles. Regardless. The narrative of the piece is strong and consistent throughout. The flow was surprisingly quick. I had expected something completely different given the title but as the piece progressed, it was obvious what was to ensue. You have talent and a grasp of the narrative. I want to see you use both in broadening your skills. There were no ty...

Overall, this is a good start. It still needs a redraft but more on that in my notes. The characters are relatable and consistent throughout. The voice of the narrative strong. The voice of the protagonist readily identifiable. You do not stray from other vampire lore. This is good in some respect. Predictable in others. I would challenge you to switch it up some from the given about vampires thus making this piece truly your own and not a rehash of so many others. But in doing so, do not tak...

This piece has strong potential but needs a hard redraft. I'll cover more of that in my notes. Before hand, having done stand up, Shelly's timing was too rushed. You have your sham, one liner comics but this didn't suit her in how you crafted the character. Also, the jokes, not so much. I would go back and find some real zingers if you are going that route. The whole naming of a child thing, unless this particular aspect plays to the character development, I would redo. In one instance, on pa...

This needs work. Specifically sentence structure and a few typos. I cover most in my notes. That being said, this comes at me as a period piece. One from a far more innocent time. I'd like to read more of this story. I hope my thoughts help. Good job. And keep writing! launderies should be laundry strong narrative 5 paragraphs in. a field to a patch of trees. We sat down under the trees and -- this starting a theme of run on sentences which robs from the flow of the piece. I would reign in as...