mattiejo900's profile
AGE:
25
LOC: Pounding Mill, VA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 15
LOC: Pounding Mill, VA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 15
I’m 25 years old. Always wanted to write. I have been writing since I was able to hold a crayon. I like writing mysterious supernatural fiction.
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Version 2
3 Reviews
3 Comments
The short skirt and stilettos that were supposed to make me feel sexy and desirable only made me feel naked and clumsy as I made my way through the club. I hated clubs and I hated heels more than clubs, but there I was, looking like a five dollar hooker trying to move in sync to the repetitive beat of the electronic noise that blared through the crowds of sweaty bodies.I was way past the outskirts of my comfort zone, but I would never hook my target in my more comfortable jeans a...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
3 Reviews
5 Comments
The short skirt and stilettos that were supposed to make me feel sexy and desirable only made me feel naked and clumsy as I made my way throught the club. I hated clubs and I hated heels more than clubs, but there I was, looking like a five dollar hooker trying to move in sync to the repetative beat of the electronic noise that blared through the crowds of sweaty bodies.I was way past the outskirts of my comfort zone, but I would never hook my target in my more comfor...
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Reviews
I think the story would flow better if told from the first person perspective, Jordan's point of view. We focus on him mainly anyway and lines like, Geez, why did he have to apologize at all?, show us what he is thinking anyway. If first person isn't really something you're comfortable with, maybe changing it to past tense instead of present tense? Reading the story in present tense makes it feel very...formal? It's like reading stage direction in a play. Also, the dialogue in the car between...
The writing itself, aside from a few grammatical errors, (which we're all guilty of), is great. It makes it easy to visualize what's being told. I could definitely relate with Nikki's obsessive curiosity of what became of the poor orphaned puppy. However, I can't relate with obsessiveness of the adult Midnight, it made me a little uncomfortable that this 15 year old girl had nothing better to do or think about besides her dog. Of course this may have been your goal, at least I felt "something...
Very good. It got the point across. Wish there was more. I'd like to see more.
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