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LAST LOGIN: January 11
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Version 1
14 Reviews
4 Comments
Leaning gently in Opposing Directions As the strings Of four years' tying Snap snap snap Between us breaking And I can't even tie them back, Or hold them together Because every (break) Gives you more &nbs...
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Version 1
13 Reviews
1 Comment
She who seals her lips over the Mouth of her gas tank Coughs, retching, regurgitating The fuel they fed her, Stopping just short of Sicking up the matches. They splinter (In her throat) As muscles clench (Reflexively) Against their (Intrusion) And the rising bile. She smiles her greasy smile. Lips retract from Oily teeth. She gags, Coughing up gouts of pink foam. They fleck the chipped paint, As meat from a grinder. Her throat is pierced with splintered wood, Her stomach, gouged in arcane tat...
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There are actually a few places in this piece where I winced. I'm not sure if it's a good sign or a bad one, but it seems like what you were going for. There are parts of this I loved, particularly the description of the manager. Other parts... Ah well, certain forms of coarseness bother me, but that's a personal thing and I won't hold it against you. Though some things seemed to be thrown in just for gross-out value.. "potty humor." All in all, a well-written piece anyhow.
The sing-song, almost nursery-rhyme, choppy quality of this poem made me smile, at first. If this had cut off before "you" was introduced, it would have been an effective, and actually pretty cute satirical self-mocking sort of thing. However, once you introduce this "you," everything goes to cliché. Alright, we get the picture, you like him/her and you don't know if it's mutual. That's been done. Take it further. Be specific about the things that interest you about her (gonna assume this is ...
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