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Sci Fi & Fantasy / So-called Monster -Part Two-
Tashi made the dining room spotless by three in the morning. The man had gone around midnight to see to a few things in town. Tashi couldn’t be sure of what, but he graciously told her he’d be back by morning. She was almost hoping to see him again before she left the Inn for the night, but she decided it was best not to dwell. He was different. She could feel it somehow, and it only intrigued her further.
She was quick to leave the Inn after that, careful of taking back roads in the dark when there was no one around, at least seemingly. Tashi lived a good thirty minutes away from the Inn, so her pace quickened. It wasn’t the dark night only lit by the glow of the full moon that frightened her, but what was lurking in the shadows of that beautiful night.
Her fears were confirmed halfway through her journey when someone grabbed her arms and pulled her into a back alley. Immediately she started screaming, but one of the three men clasped a hand over her mouth. Tears fell down her face as her eyes widened. She could see nothing in the near total darkness that surrounded her. She could feel the men grabbing at her blue dress, which made her struggle harder, and she could smell liquor on their breath to boot. Her struggling did almost nothing, however. She didn’t even weigh half what one of them did. Her squirming began to pay off when she managed to wiggle enough to get the man’s hand away from her mouth and bite down as hard as she was able.
The man growled in irritation before he threw the girl into the brick wall, knocking the wind out of her lungs. She slid to the ground, easing in and out of consciousness as she tried to keep herself awake. She drew her knees together weakly as more tears welled up in her eyes. From what she could see with her now adjusted eyes, there was insatiable hunger in his. She could almost imagine the fire blazing behind them as they stared down at her.
Tashi tried to scream, but her voice was gone from fear. All that escaped her lips was a high pitched squeak. She knew screaming would not help her at all, but she didn’t want to just sit there and allow those men to have their way with her.
Several things happened at once. As the man came closer to her, she drew in as deep a breath as she could muster and screamed as long and as loud as she possibly could, knowing but hoping someone would be around to hear her and do something to help as unlikely as it was. The man slapped her to shut her up, but as he drew his hand back to repeat the action, someone grabbed his collar and lifted him off the ground like he was a rag doll. He was thrown clean out of the alleyway before the other two charged and met the same fate as their friend. Tashi looked up to find red glowing eyes staring back at her, but she wasn’t afraid. There was no malice in those eyes. It was more of a worried expression if anything, though she couldn’t see the face, which was the only reason she allowed unconsciousness to finally take her.
Kiren stared down at the girl for a moment before kneeling and cradling her in his arms. He almost didn’t feel her, she was so light. He had no idea where she lived, so the only option was to go back to the Inn and let her rest there. It didn’t take very long to get back, fifteen minutes at the most.
He managed to make it up the stairs without anyone seeing him. It wasn’t difficult to figure out Carter’s reaction when three of his customers had been involved. He had seen those men at the Inn earlier in the day, and, from Carter’s actions already, he could only assume Tashi would get into trouble for the patrons’ bruises despite the obvious knowledge that she hadn’t inflicted them but for that bite to one of the men’s hands. He couldn’t help but chuckle at the memory.
He managed to get the girl into his room without waking her or dropping her. He set her down on his bed before returning to the door and locking it. The poor little thing was scuffed up and it looked like there was fresh blood on the bandages at her knees and hands.
He was doubly careful not to wake her as he removed the filthy bandages and cleaned her wounds before redressing them. Only then did he pull the quilt to her chin and settle down in a chair near the bed to rest. He would have to leave tomorrow morning, knowing the three men he’d pulled Tashi away from would spread the word of a demon.
Tashi awoke the next morning to the sun shining in her blue eyes. She sat up slowly, her head spinning for a second before she realized she wasn’t in her own bed. Tashi looked around the room and quickly realized she was in one of the Inn rooms. She didn’t need to guess whose. The man was sleeping soundly in the winged armchair. Quietly and carefully, she removed the quilt from the bed and set it under the man’s chin. He barely stirred. Tashi was quick to leave his room and scurry her way downstairs where the patrons were already eating breakfast after that. Carter blocked her path to the kitchen before she could go in, however.
“Why did three of my most valued customers come to me this morning ranting and raving about you controlling a demon?” Tashi couldn’t get a word out before Carter drew his hand back. The girl braced herself and squeezed her eyes shut, but never felt a blow. She opened them slowly to find the crimson-eyed man holding Carter’s arm back, his hat tilted over his eyes so no one could see them.
“This girl has done nothing wrong, sir, and I can not allow you to strike her.” Carter stared wide-eyed as the man looked at him only enough for him to see his blood red eyes clearly.
“Devil, be gone from my establishment!” Carter shook his hand loose and backed away from him, pushing Tashi over a chair in his flight. Tashi straightened herself as she stood up again before the man could help her first, going after Carter. She wasn’t sure why she was going, but the man still followed behind her closely. Tashi turned the corner behind the counter of the bar just as Carter threw a coin at her. She took a step back and bumped into the crimson-eyed man, who caught the coin before it could hit her in the face. He held it in his palm in front of her for her to take.
“One silver piece is your pay, now get out and don’t come back!” Tashi took the coin and ran from the Inn as fast as her feet could carry her. The patrons watched silently at the short fuss before they turned back to their breakfast. The others waiters and waitresses watched a bit longer, some washing down wooden tables with rags while others huddled together in a corner out of sight to give their input to the reasoning behind the girl’s friend. Most of these were of the female persuasion.
The man glanced toward Carter, who was reaching for a rifle behind the counter hidden on one of the shelves beside several mugs, before departing himself, fetching the two stable horses he’d brought with him before following Tashi. No doubt she wouldn’t stop running until she made it home.
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SwordMistress reviewed Version 3 -
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kadiya reviewed Version 3 -
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I enjoyed your imagery, however feel that you could tighten up your sentences a bit. They seem overly long and wordy.
For example: Tashi had scrubbed the dining room spotless by three in the morning.
OR: Tashi stayed up untill three in the moring scrubbing the dining room to spotless perfection.
Next sentence:The man had gone around midnight to see to a few things in town.
Could be re-worded something like: The man left around midnight, he felt the call of unresolved issues in the township.
Next sentence:Tashi couldn’t be sure of what, but he graciously told her he’d be back by morning.
Could be re-worded something like: Tashi didn’t know why, yet he graciously assured her of his return by morning.
Do you see what I mean? Imagery is in the readers mind, and creates the desire to find out what happens next with breatless anticipation. Good luck, and really, its quite good. Just needs to be honed a bit!
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magusofchaos reviewed Version 3 -
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I think I’ve already reviewed an earlier version of this, so I’ll be brief.
I kind of wanted Kiren to do something to Carter besides stop him. Not beat him up, but at least prove he doesn’t have to leave if he doesn’t want to.
I’d also like to see more detail in the fight scene. Actually show how Kiren dealt with the three men who attacked her. He threw them, but why didn’t they get back up and keep fighting? Were they that scared, or what?
I look forward to the next part.
djellibeybi reviewed Version 3 -
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Seems Tashi’s character is a little two-dimensional. You need to add a little more depth into her, give her a voice. So far she’s just responding and reacting, with very little input.
Tivarah reviewed Version 2 -
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This is better than the work of most 17 year olds that I have seen. Your writing will only get better as you mature. You have quite a good vocab but it still needs some expansion. You are quite skilled at painting a word picture. The beginnings of a good story are there. One thing to work on is that occasionally you write in a manner that is a little awkward (see examples below).
and it got her curiosity going – it is always best to avoid the use of the word got in writing. Perhaps you might try; and it made her intensely curious.
It was easy enough to know Carter wouldn’t be easy on her – sounds a little awkward as you use the word easy twice. Try reworking that sentence.
As I said your writing will only get better as you mature but there are some things you can do to help it; listen to advice and read and write heaps! By the way your grammar is very good compared to others your age. Well done :)
Antigrav1117 reviewed Version 1 -
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Expound on the interior of the Inn a bit, during the final confrontation. Add depth to the environment, what were the reactions of the customers? Its a great story line- I’d flesh it out a bit more. Keep going!
hellbunny reviewed Version 1 -
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I’ve been waiting for the second installment of this story. I realize this is your first draft, so you have not fleshed it out, yet, but since I don’t know how your stories read when you have them polished, I’m going to point out the parts that need more.
In the first paragraph, you tell us Tashi wanted to see the man again that night, but I want to feel her emotions for this stranger. This is interesting, so give us more.
You started off well with the struggle with the men, but then you took the reader out of the story by narrating. Lead us through every action according to what Tashi can sense.
“From what she could see, there was insatiable hunger in his dark eyes.”- How could she see that? Did her eyes adjust to the darkness? Was it something she could imagine more than actually see?
You repeated Kiren’s name too often; replace some of it with pronouns to cut down the repitition.
Critiquing aside, you have the beginnings of something that could be really good when it’s finished and polished. Kiren has me intrigued, and I’m curious as to what will happen next.
magusofchaos reviewed Version 1 -
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This shows definate improvement from the first chapter.
I like the struggle between the men and Tashi, especially how hard she fought. She didn’t freeze up, or just take it. That’s good, and realistic. Did she honestly expect someone to help her when she screamed, though? I mean, does this world have a police force of some kind? I’m not saying this needs to be mentioned in this particular chapter, I’m just personally curious.
I liked Kiren’s viewpoint. He’s an interesting character. Why is he taking such an interest in one Inn’s serving girl? Does he just feel sorry for her? Is he a nice guy, or does something about her specifically make him want to help her? Is he a demon, or something else entirely? It’ll be interesting to see what he turns out to be.
One statement which confused me was “It was easy enough to know the girl wouldn’t be let off the hook for something like this.” Does that mean that he knows she won’t get off work the next day because of the attack, or he that she’ll get in trouble for being rescued from those men by a demon? Also, I still think Tashi is just a little too trusting of Kiren. In a situation like that, when she’s just been attacked and fighting for her life, she’s probably going to be wary of everyone, even her rescuer.
I’m enjoying this story very much, and I look forward to the next chapter.
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