Novel Treatments / Winterhaven - Myth

“ironic topic”—what is so ironic about “myths and legends?” i’m guessing someone might be a vampire here.

“amusing as I already was.”—sounds weird.  ”I already did” maybe?...hmm.

“semi-entertaining curriculum”—also sounds weird.  is there a different way to say this?  could be just me.

overall, it’s a good start.  student vampire takes class.  it’s a good idea, and you tell it with a clear enough voice.

it does read a bit rough in places, but it’s nothing that can’t be fixed with a little time and effort.  

I was picturing the setting as a college auditorium although i think you’re shooting for a high school setting.  a college might make it easier to blend in though.  high schools are notorious for shining spotlights on people.  maybe something to consider.  or not.  it’s your story.

keep working it.  

Vampires!  There is definitely an audience out there fascinated by anything vampirish but you have to be good. You need a good plot.  Either it will come to you like a bolt of lightening; or it will emerge from the ideas you have already thought of.  
“Too bad Levi didn’t have the class; he would find it just as amusing as I already was.”  This sentence is a bit ambiguous; on first read, I thought Levi found the protagonist amusing.
In addition, watch your tenses.
Interesting read.  

So are we to assume your character is of the supernatural species? That confused me a little bit. But I’ve been staring at computer screens all day. The vampire theme entertained me though. I would like to see you contine you this more- it would be an interesting read. The modern vampire is an interesting subject.

i like it…  it flows naturally… good escriptions… even a bit of humour…  your writing style is clear and concise – i like that also…  from only this small bit, i’m interested in reading more – a good sign…

i really don’t have any criticisms…  all-in-all, a decent piece of writing…

Can’t say it enough: Your style is natural, entertaining and well written. Of course I’ve read a part of this. I think you could start to form these snippets into full chapters with a beginning, middle and end. Also, have you started working on a query letter? There is a query letter category on Urbis now.

Proofreading notes:
young-looking thirty something = young-looking, thirty-something (But I’m sure you can think of something better than young-looking.)
far fetched = far-fetched
satin lined = satin-lined (prenominal compound modifier)
A few hands . . . (should be on the nest line because it’s not Ms. Kodak’s action.)
death”. (American English: death.” You are from the US, right? Can’t remember.)
would have believe = would have believed

I enjoyed reading this and felt a bit cheated when it cut off so soon.  You have the beginning of a very good short story or YA novel.  The best suggestion I can give you is to keep plugging away.  You are a good writer!

to find a comfortable spot in my chair – this is good.
Your peers are your equaly, so what does this mean – humans as oblivious as my peer?
So,  what can I say about such a short piece. It’s mostly all clear and straightforward.

Quite a snippet. I think it does well to defeat the obstacle of having your character, a vampire move about during daylight hours. And you set up the ground that other myths are to be dismissed. I don’t think you need the brackets – as reader inside character’s head from `amusing’ and content is not an aside (off topic). The narrative tone is good, easy and with the mocking weight (contempt) one has come to expect from vampires (perhaps something to think about if trying to be uncharacteristic).

Appreciate your process – one day all the pieces will come together. Good luck.

This sounds interesting, I would like to read more.

Loved it, thanks so much for creating a vamp peice that does NOT go along with tradition. So many vamp treatments are all alike, the burn in the sun, they can only come in your house when invited, blah blah blah. I’ve read it all before. Yours is refreshing. I’d like to read more, so I’ll be checking out your “site (or page, or whatever they call it here).” lol
Thanks for the read, and keep writing!

-mm_storyteller