Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Conversion
“I’ve sold my soul.” You state without any lead up or formality.
“Your soul or your sole?” I ask, pointing to my shoes, grinning at the oddness of the statement you’ve just made.
We are sitting on the edge of my bed. The sheets still tangled together from last night. The mess reminds me of all the time we spend together. Pretending love is nothing, or that this something is not love.
“Soul.” Your fingers push into your chest in order to illustrate the proposed location of an artificial invention that supposedly separates man from beast. “Soul.” You say again, still banging your chest like an orangutan.
“The devil made an offer then?” I’m not looking at you. I’m picking seeds of the stuff we bought last night. I’m not particularly amused with this topic, but you know this. You, who know me better than anyone else, know that I’m being sarcastic so I don’t get pissed off with you for bringing up one of my least favorite subjects – second only to the pro-life/pro-choice debate.
“No.” You pause, apparently for effect and I glance up at you momentarily. “Jesus.” And then you are looking at me so intently I can’t help but stop the other thing I’m doing to stare back at you. My eyes narrow and drill into your head. Tractor beams locking onto your thoughts and pulling them behind my own.
Minutes pass and I am still gaping at you. I’m waiting for you to crack. Staring you down, watching for a sign that you are joking. “You’re not fucking with me? You’re telling me that you…” I trail off. What’s the word I’m looking for? “That you…converted – just like that?” My fingers snap in a feeble attempt to demonstrate the absurdity of your new child-of-god status. “Were we not just discussing the absence of heaven and hell last night? You told me you thought John Lennon had it right and there was no need to imagine.” My voice is accusatory – you’ve lied to me. You’re silent; apparently you weren’t expecting to be crucified like your new Lord and Savior. I shake my head and finish packing the bowl. I’m fixating on it. I feel you stand up as the bed bucks a little. You look at me for ages and I pretend I don’t see. You take your cross and you drag it out the door behind you.
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I’m interested in more. You don’t write this diary style, it’s more literary. So what happened? Is it a continuing saga? How the hell is he buying weed one night and holy rolling the next. There is a gap, and I’m dying to find out.
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I’d consider ‘state’ becoming ‘say’. Given the unusual exercise, such simplifications worthwile.
- Why not pointing to ‘your’ shoes. Otherwise conflicts with the quote.
- No need for capital ‘Y’ in ‘You say again’. Also insert comma before ‘You’.
- You say ‘devil made an offer then’ which clearly means you are talking, but then you say ‘i’m listening’ which is jarring.
- I’d consider hyphenating ‘high-minded’
- ‘momnentarily glance up’ for me better than ‘glance up…momentarily’ there
- Consider ‘intently’ becoming ‘intensely’ but no disaster
- Lennon thing = funny
- Again, de-capitalise all the words after quotes, and precede with commas
- ‘look for ages’ < reconsider the expression ‘for ages’. Too casual.
- ‘out the door’ < change to ‘out of the door’
Interesting concept, definitely something there. I got a bit confused regarding tone. It starts like it might be serious, then we get the Lennon joke etc. This chopiness is occasionally matched in the dialogue – or rather, the layout of the dialogue. The dialogue itself is not bad.
Biggest improvement would be to clarify who’s in whose camp from the off. I don;t know what side you’re on, the conversion is ambiguous. Also, if you’re setting up a Devil’s Advocate style God-like moment, you might pepper that with some more descriptions of the surroundings, which could be interesting if done, but which I can;t yet picture. I.e. “where are we?”. Hope this helps.
I really like this, with the contrast between the narrator and the subject, and I really love the last line. Some minor grammar errors: “who knows” (because the who is singular even though it’s “you know”). The first quotation would end have a comma and lowercase “you”.
very engaging, from both sides. i can feel the disappointment from each character for the other; one through sarcasm, and one through pity. well-written.
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