Poetry / Synonyms: choke, cramp, restrain, restrict

Made me feel uncomfortable if that was the intention. Also an insecure feeling  waiting for emergency aid.Maybe instead of “You’re squeezed tight…, drop the “You’re” as unnecessary words weaken the impact..also the “They’re” in the last line. Review, review and read

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December 17, 2007

by mash

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
226	73.2% (45 votes)	28.4%

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33	F	Rock Hill, SC	October 25

Thank you for constructive feedback.  It is appreciated.

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I am not sure if this piece is supposed to be funny…but it made me laugh. I sew every day and so to me the funniest line is, “The seams are coming apart-some of your squish is showing.” The words “Your squish is showing,” would be funny on a t-shirt…or on a sign placed on the side of any road. LOL

Carla

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December 17, 2007

by mash

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
226	73.2% (45 votes)	28.4%

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33	F	Rock Hill, SC	October 25

I did intend for humor – or at the very least sarcasm to be evident.  I’m glad you understood it!

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My favorite parts of this are, “some of your squish is showing” and “arsons and kittens in trees”. A lot of phrases in here everyone can relate to in some way, so you’ve successfully made it specifically vague enough (vaguely specific enough?) to apply to everyone. A nicely written poem.

Lovely punch in the gut. I don’t really have any suggestions as to how to improve this, because I really like it just the way it is.
Kudos, and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
J.B.

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December 15, 2007

by mash

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
226	73.2% (45 votes)	28.4%

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33	F	Rock Hill, SC	October 25

Thanks!  I appreciate it.

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Very enjoyable. I pick up and almost angry mood with this and a picture of a larger person stuck in a tiny hole or even Santa Claus stuck in the chimney =P Great work, thanks for sharing.

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December 14, 2007

by mash

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
226	73.2% (45 votes)	28.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
33	F	Rock Hill, SC	October 25

Thanks!

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Interesting to say the least. I am going to suggest that you remove “You’ll come rolling out.” simply because you just mentioned it and it gets old. I laughed when you said “some of your squish is showing.”

Good poem, but I feel like it didn’t really flow well, and maybe your pem would have benefited from more images than telling us, but thats just me.

This is an interesting piece.  I don’t feel that the title fits the piece well, it doesn’t work with the poem.  The poem itself could have the emotion flushed out more.  What is causing the suffocating feeling, what is it that the jaws of life would need to break apart?

haha-some of your squish-
I presume this was an assignment or contest. Very entertaining for a fire victim and his/her peril. The last line could be true.

These are difficult emotions to express, and you share them with immediacy.  To me, it shows how the very real needs of those in emotional pain are ignored as we focus on the trivial things in our lives (“the kittens in trees” shows this idea very well).  Your poem shows the power of free and experimental verse to share difficult ideas.