That isn’t exactly what I was going for…
But you, ever the optimist, didn’t pick up on the “nothing left to lose” part. Thanks for checking it out.
Poetry / Chain me to the sky
Outlaw not for love, but for impropriety -
collaboration horizontale.
Abundant indiscretions,
poorly placed affections,
tether you with barbed wire to lovers and wolves.
Tarring and feathering as means of escape.
Icarus with molten, sticky wings
did not soar as high as you.
Quills pressing through flesh
are not as impeding as
self-righteousness,
due process and law.
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oknapp reviewed Version 4 -
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“tether you with barbed wire to lovers and wolves.” I don’t understand. I understand tether you to barbwire. The rest looks like a run -on and is not very
clear. What if you took out “to” and added “with” lovers and wolfs?
Icarus with molten, sticky wings
did not soar as high as you.
If something has sticky molten wings it probably cannot soar. Of course the person could soar higher. Do you see what i mean?
The rest of the prose is beautiful and very well written. I like the outlaw theme very much.I love the last stanza. The ending is appropriate for the beginning and sums it up nicely. Sandi
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Joel_Mitt reviewed Version 4 -
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There are some technical errors throughout
first line- “Outlaw[,]not for love, but for impropriety-”
Second line- horizontal*
lines 2-5… you might want to consider this to help the flow-
“Abundant indiscretions,
poorly placed affections,
[tethered] [sharply] to lovers and wolves,
you tar and feather as means of escape.”
I really like the ending, actually I liked this whole piece. I’m going to suggest a tad more on the last few lines though…
“Quills pressing through flesh
are not as impeding as self-righteousness,
due process[,] [or] law.”
chelly reviewed Version 4 -
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I feel like this piece is about an afair or love gone wrong.I like the 1st 4 lines most, alot of people think sex= love and vice versa and our feelings are all misplaced. Good poem.
Jeff0307 reviewed Version 4 -
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I’m not sure if I like the structure of the poem, although I did enjoy it’s content. I like your choice of words, which was probably the most attractive feature of this piece. I like the depth in some places, “Icarus with molten, sticky wings did not soar as high as you.”, but overall it was very difficult to understand.
I believe, and please correct me if I am mistaken, that this poem is about rebelling against society, what is accepeted as the norm and set laws. i.e. the general coldness/numbness of society as a whole.
lespoon reviewed Version 4 -
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Very nice use of internal ryhme with indiscretions and affections. I enjoyed the last word: law. It stood out. i think it made a nice contrast to some of the visuals in the poems. Using a final, short, sweet line like “due process and law” ended the poem with strength. i would have liked to see more play with the story of the poem. More. But a very nice piece, polished as is.
SnownLighting reviewed Version 4 -
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Great job with the barbaric and vivid definition of pride and how it affects love. Which comes first poorly placed affections or the due process? Processing love while placing affections. In my mind they are intertwined.
Kadence reviewed Version 4 -
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I really enjoyed this poem. It makes one think metaphorically, in a pleasing way, without the painful headache. In my personal opinion I think that the correct punctuation is unnecessary. For poetry it is disorienting to see words at the beginning of lines sometimes capitalized, sometimes not. However that is just me. The poem itself is well written, very enjoyable.
TheWallruss reviewed Version 4 -
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He should have packed a parachute and learned to swim.
I really like this write. I find it very well thought out and written. Well worded with grand imagery.
‘Icarus with molten, sticky wings
did not soar as high as you.’
What a wonderful line and image.
‘Quills pressing through flesh
are not as impeding as
self-righteousness,
due process and law.’
This is great stuff and gray matter food for the informed reader. This has got to be one of the best I have found here on the URBIS. I tip my hat to the author.
ashkrafton reviewed Version 3 -
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The title captured my attention immediately.
The imagery kept me bound. Icarus, wolves, quills…all laden with visual strength.
I spent quite some time reading and pondering. Lines 4 and 5 confused me, in that ‘children’ seem out of place with ‘lovers’ and ‘wolves’. I like children, and made a few myself, so maybe that’s why. Lovers and wolves are dangerous, and can turn to bite even the most affectionate of hands. Children don’t fit that definition for me.
Overall, I greatly enjoyed this.
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