Poetry / hailstone (the voices)

Very flowery words and fun to recite, but a little confusing at points.  i always enjoy romance.  i really like it.

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February 21, 2008

by supra_speed

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23	M	Washington, PA	January 16

what points where confusing, if you dont mind my asking? and thanks for enjoying

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Love love love the language.

cascading raindrops, hailstone voices….it’s all good.

i don’t think nigh is the best word in that line though… the line isn’t that clear.

aside from that it’s beautiful.

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February 13, 2008

by supra_speed

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23	M	Washington, PA	January 16

thanks for your review. i appreciate that you enjoyed it, but that representation is about past and future, hence nigh = near. thanks again.

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I really enjoyed the feel and sound of this poem to me, the rhythm was consistent and worked well but all of that added up to give what i think is most importnat which is an enjoyable read that made me read it again. Last 4 lines  are my favourite especially “with hailstone voices”, i enjoyed very much, keep it up and yes very good poem, strong emotion coming through

You are right.  Nigh is near.  I liked this, a lot.  I think that if some don’t understand those two lines, then seperating between time and nigh time from the following words might help.  It would show that they should look at those words on their own.

between time—passed by

Or something like that.

I think you have done a great job, but if there is confusion, it takes away from the complete picture, and you create a nice picture.  

I would give myself to you  

Anything that starts off that way can’t be bad.

You have talent and I would definately say keep it up.  I cannot wait to read more of your work.

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February 10, 2008

by supra_speed

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23	M	Washington, PA	January 16

thank you. im glad you enjoyed it so much as thats my inspiration to come up with newer and better. thanks.

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A bit of a contradiction on lines 2/3—through sound of word, but in your thoughts…. seems a bit off.  Are  you speaking or is there no need to speak in this intimacy?  I hope that makes sense.  I like that it’s not dependent on rhyme; in that vein, I’d like to see stronger images.  It seems a start of a poem, but it’s not clearly communicating to me.  What is the befitting legacy, for instance?
Keep at it… revision is the hardest part.

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February 10, 2008

by supra_speed

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23	M	Washington, PA	January 16

thanks for your review

February 10, 2008

by supra_speed

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23	M	Washington, PA	January 16

how it was written is how its meant to be read, if someone hears a particular sentence, then thought has to process it. thats what i mean by those lines, and for the rhyming, gaw i hate rhyming in poetry, i find it lacking true potential. its not a song. but i will definately consider your review.

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I very much enjoyed this. It is short and sweet with a great flow and sense of rhythm. Well done :)

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February 10, 2008

by supra_speed

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23	M	Washington, PA	January 16

well thank you. it joys me to see that youve enjoyed it and found that it was well done, i try. thanks for your review.

February 10, 2008

by gting

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27	F	United States	March 02

No problem :) keep up the good work x

February 10, 2008

by supra_speed

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23	M	Washington, PA	January 16

for you, i will.

February 10, 2008

by gting

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27	F	United States	March 02

:)

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This poem starts out on the very personal, I give myself to you, first person singular and second person singular. Then it switches somehow into the third person plural, us no longer is personal but becomes collective or universal. This is the major problem with this poem. L5 should read between us or between you and me. What is our “befitting legacy?” Too vague. Be specific. I’m not sure nigh is used correctly with the preceding phrase, and just us afterward is oblique. You’re onto something, going in the right direction, but it’s missing something yet. Good writing to you.

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February 10, 2008

by supra_speed

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23	M	Washington, PA	January 16

thanks for the review.

February 10, 2008

by supra_speed

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23	M	Washington, PA	January 16

however, i dont feel that people should tell others that something “should” be a certain way. which on a personal level, ive written a poem thats based on love before, and its been about a year and the difference between urbis reviews, and people that i know is that it usually goes without feeling. The piece that I wrote is on poetry.com and the poem is Seamless, and if you find it needing then compare Seamless vs hailstone (the voices) and im sure you would find this poem on a professional level. oh and I forgot to mention that Seamless is published in the Immortal Verses poets anthology. so consider it.

February 11, 2008

by Willow_Wren

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63	F	Germantown, NY	March 19

should was only meant in a syntactical way, to get away from the universal plural us to the more intimate us of you and me, not in anyway meaning to change the meaning or intent of your poem but to strengthen it, meant no harm.

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I love the last three lines. An excellent, and vivid, way to sum things up. “Share this vacancy” is also a great line. I don’t have any suggestions, I think this is a great poem!

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February 10, 2008

by supra_speed

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23	M	Washington, PA	January 16

im glad you enjoyed it as much as i enjoyed writing it. and thanks for the review.

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I really liked this one.  It had very creative imagery, I especially liked the part about “meticulously passing” through someone’s thoughts.  It speaks of a very comon desire to be thought of.

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February 07, 2008

by supra_speed

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23	M	Washington, PA	January 16

thanks for the review, im glad you enjoyed it

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I think this poem’s imagery lacks a grounding center so it reads like hyperbole.  Nice words all neat and tidy on the page, but what are they really saying?  I read it through 4 different times and still could not get a sense of who the ‘you’ is/are referenced in the first line.  You mention in the reviewers notes a past and future.  I didn’t get a sense of who, what, where, etc in which to create such a history.  

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February 07, 2008

by supra_speed

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23	M	Washington, PA	January 16

thanks for the review

February 07, 2008

by Johnsienoel

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40	F	United States	March 19

You’re welcome…Write on!  I look forward to reading more from you.

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