Poetry / Unwanted(considering title)

It seems to me as if you think low of your self. I believe this could be a very good piece of writing, Keep it up, and get some self esteem I guarantee you will love it (:

Flow in general is pretty good.The title is a perfect match for what you are stating in this piece.I could feel the pain and despair.Make sure you use punctuation properly.Don’t give up,you are on to something good with this!!

This is a good piece that can fit a variety of people.  I think from time to time we all feel this way.  I know I do when I have a high blood sugar and get all confused….Thanks for writing it.

I’ve gotten this review so many times and I am starting to understand it: The poem reflects your age.
I love the fact that you changed up how a poem looks, but some more practice and experience is needed.

I like it, I can see that the writer tapped into deap emotions. Consider coloring it with examples or finding something new about that feeling. A different perspective of that feeling.
Good Work
Keep it up!

Its simple but to the point. If u want it as a poem then leave it so. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. You should work on the formating, so that it reads better.

This poem speaks clearly of incredible feelings of worthlessness. It conveys very fully to me the thoughts that could go through the mind of someone depressed, paranoid, and fearful of the reactions of others. It seemed to me well written and used the spacing between the last 7 lines well to help carry the total meaning.
The only error I noticed is in the first sentence “dont” instead of “don’t”. I think also if you changed the last part of line 2 to be “Wondering why, always wondering why.” This could help mimic the way obsessed minds often repeat themselves.
All in all a very good piece.

This is a shocking piece of writing. I like the simplicity, and I like the lack of structure, although some critics may not. You have chosen a variety of ways to express worthlessness, and  every line is effective and grinding in the painful reality a little more than the one before it. I am not sure if you create this as a piece of fiction or if it is closer to your heart, but it screams of truth and has the power to move people and change the way they look at the marginal people around them.
All the best to you, great work!

Overall it’s honest and unique in it’s structure.  Actually, it looks like something I’ve done before.  Although your piece’s theme is a bit melodramatic, it’s quite refreshing.  It’s all about keeping up with the tense; in one line the speaker says: “I see the glances they shoot my way.”  It took away from a great flow that was pleasing the eye and ear, instead of “the” and “they shoot” say “their” and “shooting.”  I really like the lines that followed, the lines that were double spaced letting the reader know the speakers thought process.  Here is a character that holds so much spite towards a group that disassociates themselves from the unfamiliar.  And that final line had some agreement, the speaker finally sees what the group is eyeing with despise.  I know it’s up to you, but, maybe, some backstory could be useful for the piece.  What is wrong with the speaker, give some small or grand descriptions,  you know?  Ovearall it’s relatable and well written too.

I didn’t really like it. The whole thing felt forced when this looks like something that would come straight from someones heart. When it comes from the heart, it should naturally flow better while you let your emotions flow too. I am sorry for not liking a story that most likely means a lot to you but I will point out some spots I didn’t enjoy.

“Maybe why I’m even alive.”

The reason I do not like this line is because right before it, you said “They see me and wonder why I’m even here.” Those are really the same thing. You took the same sentence and -tried- to get more emotion out of it by saying the same thing. What you are probably trying to achieve is something along the lines of:

“My mother left me. The only person in this harsh-world that could have ever seen things in the same light as I once did. The way I looked at things before my mother left.”

You don’t use enough diction to reach that point. When you are trying to get that feeling out of people, you NEED to use descriptive words!!! People are going to block out that whole line if they lose interest.

“I dont know…
                      They could be right”

For one, you spelled don’t wrong. Two, you forgot a period or even three periods to keep the feel. Three, you used a present tense word on “don’t.” I would make that into “I’ll never know…” because that gives more of a mysterious thought behind your words.

“Wondering, always wondering why.”

In my experience, it helps to use different words like, “Wondering, never understanding why.” This naturally gives that same mysterious feeling off. You can’t really expect me to get a sorrowful feeling from that when it’s so blunt and dull.

Sorry if this review seems too mean but I hope it helps!

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March 12, 2008

by TheWallruss

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
118	78.3% (60 votes)	28.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
54	M	Grantsville, UT	March 23

Me thinks this lady doth protest to much.  

March 26, 2008

by Noburo

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
286	87.5% (104 votes)	27.4%

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41	M	Salem, OR	April 07

Well Soontobeauthor115, firstly you may have totally missed the idea of the item. I think it was rather meant to portray a depressed, slightly paranoid mind, that is generally frightened of others instead of what the auther feels herself.
Also when you say “maybe why I’m even alive” is the same as “They see me and wonder why I’m even here.”. That would imply that telling a person to leave is the same as telling them to die. I think if you tried this in real life you would find it is not the case.
The rest of your review seems to go back to the assumption which I believe is incorrect that the person is talking about how THEY feel instead of portraying the thoughts of a depressed, slightly paranoid, and frightened mind.
Go back and read it, and instead of thinking of it as the poet’s personal whine or rant, think of it as a depiction of a depressed mind and see what you get.
After all, do you think that the author of the Hanibal Lector character really wants to eat human liver?

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