Short Story / "Dear Love," [safety] & [desire]

I’m not sure what you want to do with this (e.g. Get it published?).
I like the expression very much, but find the definitions at the beginning of each section disruptive.(You could possibly use the footnote* trick and then place them at the end).
The passion shows through and makes this eminently readable.

A few little things;

“In case, there may come”, drop the comma

“peice” – piece

“It’s almost as if we get any closer” ->”It’s almost as though, if we get any closer,”

“your rib cage as if it’s doors ” ->”your rib cage, as if they’re the doors “

“the proverbial room”. Sounds clumsy. Maybe “our private space”?

Very good.

... hands hold and lips find eachother’s. (each other’s)

I like the voice of desperation in this story.  Good job.  

The ending however did nothing for me  I was left in want, not knowing what you were trying to tell me the reader.  That is sad for such a strong start.

Smile,
Princess

Expanded to include more such vignettes, this could be an interesting essay. You should get the grammar problems wrestled down, though, especially in the second section. In the first line of the first section, you use the word “spite” where you mean to use “despite”. The problems in the second section are numerous. “as if if we get any closer”, missing apostrophe, missing commas, commas where they shouldn’t be, a period where a comma should be. Sounds petty, but these little things made the section hard to follow. Also affecting readability is the puzzling use of words. What do you mean by “proverbial” room? I can think of no proverb that fits that phrase. Perhaps you meant something closer to metaphorical? I think you should spend more time on the door beside love. I can only make broad assumptions about what that represents and, though deconstruction is an integral part of any reading experience, you might not wish to give the reader total freedom of interpretation.

I definitely preferred the entry addressed to “Love”.  It blew me away.  I had to stop before I continued to something else.  You explained the feeling of love so well.  I could picture me and my boyfriend when I read this.  You gave me that gripping feeling in the stomach that only people in love know.  Wonderful, truly.  To me, I feel like you were talking to the man you love.  Also, I think you should end it differently.  Don’t use “Love me, Desire”.  I can see how some people may find it confusing since you addressed the entry to “Love”.  End it “From me, Desire” or something similar.  

I wasn’t as happy with “Safety”.  It didn’t capture me the same way and I wasn’t quite sure what you were trying to say.  Since your message isn’t clear, your words are taken literally, which is disturbing considering the content haha.  I absolutely love the first piece, however, and feel that the second piece has potential. Good luck.

hold and lips find eachother’s. //each other’s

It’s almost as if we get any closer //It’s almost as if that if we get any closer

...flash of your chest and ripping into your rib cage as if it’s doors to desire. Step inside. Close your ribs behind me…  

Im tearing through //I’m

//i’m chilled just imagining it.  I don’t know why, but it doesn’t sound romantic anymore…  I know, the idea of the rib cage is supposed to help with the safety thing.  But the way you described it is morbid.

I think the problem is in the line
“I’m tearing through the flesh of your chest and ripping into your rib”
specifically the words TEARING and RIPPING

Though at the end… and the voices like venom and the screaming like gunshots infiltrate the proverbial room.  It makes me think that maybe you did mean it to sound that way.

screaming like gunshots //I particularly like this line

Best regards,
Oliver

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February 07, 2008

by PoeTic_JustiCe

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
64	70.0% (30 votes)	36.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
24	F	Rahway, NJ	November 27

I absolutely did mean for it to sound that way to invoke a feeling a fear and need for safety. I appreciate your insight!

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I would not consider this piece to be journalism, as it is the opposite of objective, it is entirely subjective, and internal, rather than dealing with external worldly affairs.

Some of the imagery would work well as poetry, if you wanted to re-form it.

I don’t think I would call this journalism, per say. Not even in the loose context of commentary or editorial, but I think you already know this.

Regardless, I enjoyed this piece. You conveyed the amazing sensations of wanting to be a part of someone, literally wanting to be part of them, well. This is kind of like a sweet version of Jack’s Body from Fight Club.

During the [Safety] portion, the use of short, choppy, truncated sentences was perfect for what you were expressing.

The only real negative thing I have to say is that you should categorize it properly and build a massive compilation, possibly for a small coffee-table book.

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February 01, 2008

by PoeTic_JustiCe

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64	70.0% (30 votes)	36.3%

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24	F	Rahway, NJ	November 27

I’m still not sure where I’d categorize it. Reason I placed it here is because initially when I sat to write, I wanted to seem as if maybe I was writing aloud, to myself. About someone. All I know that it was never meant to be anything of the norm, coming from my pen. I apparently accomplished that, just not sure where it’d belong now? Hmm.

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Very poetic use of language. I think you capture the essence of love and the ultimate paradox of this most powerful emotion: it brings us both our greatest joy…and often triggers are most debilitating misery when it is taken away.
My only advice would be to clarify and condense more. As you say in your intro, this is kind of basically coming straight from your brain onto the page, so it’s sometimes hard to censor yourself after the fact.
And if you put this into a compilation, I’d maybe group all the letters to love in sequence so it tells a story. For example, start with the letters where you are scared about falling in love, about losing that safety net. Then move onto the ones where you are happily in love, then saddened and hurt by the loss of love and finally where you are back on good terms with love. I think that would be cool and it is something I would definitely read.
Good job and keep writing.

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February 01, 2008

by PoeTic_JustiCe

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
64	70.0% (30 votes)	36.3%

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24	F	Rahway, NJ	November 27

I intend to. Thank you for your insight!

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A strange journalism piece for sure, more like a love poem or short story! Also a strange coincidence, I wrote a poem once about wanting to crawl inside my lovers body once, but yours is from a different perspective. Interesting how writers have universal thoughts. Anyways,  enjoyed the pieced very much. Thank you for sharing, it was very sweet.