Thanks I appreaciate the review, I am in the air about the names I am keeping Gavin, and Frank for personal reasons but the others may get changed, although I have had some reviews saying they sounded too ‘hollywood’ as they are others like the down to earth names so its a bit of a dilemma, but i figure If the story is good enough the names will grow to fit. Thanks again
Gavinswar
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Wasteland part 3
The three vehicles pulled up and stopped before the group; each was black and pristine clean without any markings to identify their make. There was a certain menace about them, indistinguishable but present just the same, as they sat silently.
Gavin nudged Chad and began slowly sifting towards the back of the group. Frank nodded towards him and then followed suit. To Gavin it was simple; he had been trained to stay alive at all costs, and in turn was constantly accessing the highest probability for survival. He doubted that who ever had arranged for them to be here was going to have then shot down in the hot desert sands, but still he had to consider his options.
He looked for possible cover, not surprisingly the flat desert offered none. Next plan was if something should happen possibly one of the others could be used as a shield or he could at least hide among the bodies.
As they settled near the back Gavin took a brief glance at Chad and Frank; the two were stark contrasts of one another. Frank was tall and lean with defined muscles and rippled arms; which flexed involuntarily in his Army green issue tank top. He had blond hair and a perfect tan and looked like he had just stepped off an armed forces recruitment brochure. He was strong and powerful looking even as he stood watching things play out he had an underlying menace something unsaid, but unmistakable nonetheless.
Chad was fit, but not ripped, tall but slightly hunched unlike Frank who stood in a cool and borderline cocky manner. Chad also smiled nervously, whereas Franks smile although it glistened with perfectly white teeth, it was purposeful and dangerous.
Gavin shifted his attention to the vehicles again. A speaker crackled then a voice boomed out it was clearly synthesized male sounding but otherwise indistinct.
“Gentlemen, I’m sure you are wondering what you’re doing here. Well the answer is close but first you will need to prove to us that you really want to know. Four miles further down the road is a safe point there you will find water, shelter, and the answers to some of you’re questions. The first fifteen of you to make will go on and further this endeavor. For those of you that don’t make the grade, this entire day will become but a faded memory.”
The men began again prattling questions and some protesting.
“Wait what if we don’t go?”
“I’m not running.”
“Which way?”
Gavin glanced to his side and noticed that Frank was already in a fast jog up the road. He was impressed with the way he made decisions; he nodded to Chad then began running, leaving the rest of the men behind.
“But what if there’s more? What if there are other stipulations?” Chad asked as he haphazardly jogged next to Gavin.
“Is this really confusing, run and don’t be in the last ten?” Gavin said feeling like a baby sitter, he knew that although confused once the other soldiers decided to get going and realized that they didn’t want to be last, then the violence would start. That was something he had no desire to partake in, if it could be avoided.
Behind him he heard the vehicles charge up and then the three roared past, caking him in a wave of sand and dirt. Gavin glanced over his shoulder and saw the disorganized group of men behind him running, many shouting others arguing. Too many alpha males he thought, too much testosterone in one place and the outcome was predetermined, he was glad he started early any head start would help.
Gavin tried hard to keep pace with Frank but was quickly outdistanced by the much faster man. Frank quickly established an insane pace that Gavin knew it would be next to impossible for him to keep. He wasn’t really a runner, but he was no stranger to it either, he had put many hard miles behind him in the foothills of Ohio, but this was different. The desert climate was unforgiving and the staggering heat acted as a humbling reminder that he was out of his element.
Semper Fi he said under his breath drawing strength from the Marine Corps tagline.
“What’s that?” Chad said through labored breaths.
“I said, keep running.”
“Good advice, brilliant really because I have so many other options.” Chad replied with a roll of his eyes.
“Time to cut weight?” Gavin said changing the tone.
He then rummaged through his rucksack, and took out the barest essentials; he grabbed a water bottle, his wallet, and her locket. The rest was disposable by design. With that thought in mind he tossed his old bag onto the sand at the side of the road.
Chad eyed him suspiciously as he wiped the glistening sheen of sweat from his brow.
“No man. I’m not doing it.”
“Really? Do you have a better idea?”
“I might need this stuff, its all that I have.”
“It comes down to this, do you gamble?” Gavin asked as they came to the crest of a small hill.
“Yeah I do. But I don’t see the relevance.”
“Think about it, what are the chances that you can make this run carrying all that extra weight?”
Chad screwed his face up momentarily, and then Gavin went on.
“They took the weapons; the only things in my bag were clothes and personal effects. If they left you a sat phone, let me know otherwise lose the gear. Either you own it, or it owns you, make a choice.”
Chad still looked unconvinced.
“Its simple with the gear you don’t make the run, without it maybe, but the odds are increased, so if you gamble then play the odds.”
Chad, grabbed a few effects and a water bottle then he too, tossed the sack, and picked up his pace as he nodded.
“Yeah, Gavin I am a gambler.”
The burning sun and stinging air made each step a test of will. Gavin was finishing his second and last water bottle and still there was no end in site. He and Chad had to push themselves to stay ahead of the rest of the soldiers. And despite their efforts one was steadily gaining on them, Gavin recognized the man. He had seen him on the bus earlier and for some reason stuck out. The thin Asian was nearly upon them.
Chad eyed Gavin, his eyes narrowed slightly Gavin caught the subtle cue, and shook his head No, in return.
The man came up on the left, and began speaking, Gavin noticed that he remained a couple of inches out of striking distance, and spoke from afar. Perhaps he too had picked up on Chad’s intent; in any case it was a good safeguard.
“Gentlemen, how go things?” He asked, in a casual tone.
“Great, it’s a good day to run through open desert without a clue where were going.” Gavin replied dripping with sarcasm.
“I thought so too Gavin.” Replied Asian man, speaking comfortably as if they were old friends.
“You know my name?”
“Yeah, I overheard you introducing yourself earlier; I’m Icepick by the way.”
The desert rolled down a slight hill and the men fought to steady themselves in the decline.
“It’s a real Pleasure Icepick.” Gavin replied, not convinced that he could had overheard his name being spoken. It seemed unlikely from where he was sitting on the bus, but he may have augmentations of some sort. That would explain how he effortlessly caught up to them, if that was the case they were high grade, and not easily detectable like some street level modifications.
“Yeah, well the reason I wanted to talk with you is the GI’s behind us.”
“I see them.” Gavin replied as he glanced over his shoulder at the pack in the near distance.
There were about ten men all in standard military tank tops, between them and the group was a pair another pair of soldiers, who wore Airforce issued gear. As Gavin observed the two at the front of the pack sprinted up on the pair of flyboys, as soon as they caught up they instantly tackled the men, who were utterly unprepared. The men all fell to the ground struggling against their attackers, who simply held on to them. Gavin got the idea they didn’t need to defeat them. A moment later the rest of the pack caught up and stomped them for a few cruel moments.
They then resumed the run the two front runners dropping to the back of the pack.
“Well I guess that’s fairly self explanatory. They decided that anyone who’s isn’t Army doesn’t get to finish this.” Icepick said with a shrug of his shoulders.
“Thanks for the heads up, but aren’t you Army?”
“As of a week ago I was discharged, I think. So the answer is no.” Ice said with slight look of confusion.
Gavin understood the feeling, and was slightly comforted knowing that everyone seemed to be equally confused as to what they were doing.
“Well, good luck to you, just so you know you’re next on their list.” Ice said as he increased his pace with accustomed strides. Gavin tried to keep pace but for the second time that day he was unable to keep up. Some day’s he thought with roll of his eyes.
“Yeah thanks a lot.” Chad yelled as Icepick advanced away from them.
“We could have figured that out.” Chad muttered to himself in between gasps.
“Still, he could have not warned us.”
“Yeah, I guess your right, man it’s hot.” Chad said changing his tone; seemingly done with that part of the conversation he finished his water bottle. As soon as it emptied the nanotech plastic compressed to about the size of pea and he let it drop to the searing pavement.
“Wish I brought my tunes, and maybe a gravboard.” Chad said with a nod. Gavin couldn’t help but shake his head at how quickly his new friend seemed to skip from one subject to another.
They kept on pushing to stay ahead, Gavin could see that Chad was far from a runner his gait was forced and each step a test of will.
“Come on man little farther, I can see the safe-zone ahead.” Gavin said trying to keep his mind off the weighted pain in his legs. In the distance, behind shimmering waves of heat he was fairly certain he could see the three black vehicles parked.
“Yeah good times once we get there they tell us we are on a new game-show called biggest idiot. It’s where they drug you and leave you in the desert then run you to exhaustion. Then you win a soda, or some other bullshit, and all of America has a good laugh.” Chad said with a halfhearted smile.
“Soda does sound good though.” Gavin replied.
“Hell yeah, if it’s included on the limo ride home, which had damn well better be provided, while I am at it, there should be strippers, and I have always wanted a lama, you know, why not?”
“I think there are extinct.” Gavin said.
“Strippers extinct, please tell me its not so!”
Gavin laughed lightly “Funny, but I meant the Lamas.”
“Whoa thanks for that you had me worried.” Chad said with a smirk and then went on “Well a good replicant then, like the reps they used to sell on the streets of NY, once I bought an iguana there that was of course before the rapture.” Chad said.
“Rapture, you sound like one of the religious fanatics, you really think that’s what happened in NY?”
“That’s what the news tells me, and if its on Storm network it must be true.” Chad laughed.
“Yeah, the Revival too then, its all just natures hand.”
“I don’t know what caused it and I doubt I ever will, but out of it did come revivalist women, and I’m not ashamed to say yeah I like them.”
“I am getting the feeling that there aren’t many women you don’t like.” Gavin replied through labored breaths.
“That’s true I spread the love as best I can, can’t be selfish it just wouldn’t be fair.”
The sound of footsteps sprinting alerted Gavin as he turned to see two infantry soldiers sprinting towards him. Screw me, he thought frustrated that he had not kept a better eye on the men trailing him. He let himself get distracted, and now he knew he would pay for it.
As he turned a lean white man with tattoos covering both arms lunged towards him. Quickly Gavin sidestepped and pushed his head down off balancing the man as he passed. Tattoo skittered past then regained his composure and began pursuit once again.
Gavin poured on the speed hoping that Tattoos earlier sprint had winded him enough that he wouldn’t be able to keep up. It didn’t work. Gavin felt a powerful hand grip his shoulder and wrap around his shirt. He leaned away, but felt the man pulling him towards him. He knew that if he got hold of him it wouldn’t be long until the others would catch up, and that would be the end of whatever this endeavor was. Despite that confusion of today, he couldn’t let things end that way. He wasn’t a quitter and earlier he had vowed to play this through, and he would be damned if this tattooed idiot was going to take that from him.
With a shift of his steps Gavin spun around in bowing like motion and allowing the shirt to be pulled off. Tattoo had all his weight tugging downward and he went face first into the pavement. He didn’t try to get back up.
Gavin ran a couple of steps then spotted Chad a few yards back, he was standing but struggling to push a large black haired man away from him. The man was pressing hard attempting a takedown. Further back down the road a group of soldiers were sprinting to help their comrade.
Gavin sucked a deep breath whispered Semper fi, and broke into a run, towards the quarreling pair. To his surprise the fight was over before he could intervene, Chad launched a knee that landed cleaning on the soldier’s groin. The man yelped involuntarily and dropped to the pavement. Chad wasted no time, and instantly followed with a soccer style kick that crushed into his nose, causing it to erupt in blood as his head jerked back and then bounced off the concrete.
When Gavin reached Chad he was in the process of kicking the downed man in the head and ribs, the impact resounded through the hot air.
“Stop. He’s done!!”
“Screw him I’m not.” Chad said as he lifted his hand and leaned down towards the fallen solider.
“Think Chad, stay here and they catch us!” Gavin said as he pointed to the approaching mob. Chad eyed Gavin and then the others, and nodded his head warily.
“Your right.” Chad said as he resumed running, with a newfound energy.
As they moved back up the road, the man that had attempted to take Gavin down knelt trying to catch his breath. Gavin’s t-shirt was still clutched in his hand.
Tattoo looked up and nodded in what Gavin presumed to be an acceptance of defeat as he and Chad ran past. Then without warning Chad snapped his left arm out smashing his fist across the kneeling mans face. Tattoo’s head snapped back and he crumbled into the hot sands on the side of the road. Gavin glanced at Chad with surprise.
“Was that really necessary?”
“For me it was.” Chad huffed with a shrug of his shoulders.
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bdfielding reviewed Version 1 -
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There was a certain menace about them, indistinguishable but present just the same, as they sat silently. ....... I’d remove the final clause and replace ‘certain’ with ‘silent’ for better flow.
He doubted that who ever had arranged for them to be here was ..... replace “had arranged for them to be ” with “had sent them”... less clumsy
which flexed involuntarily in …... this would indicate a seizure of some sort… try saying “which he flexed unconsciously”
Semper Fi he said under his breath drawing strength from the Marine Corps tagline. ...... Semper Fi is not a tagline and to call it such is to risk insulting a great number of potential readers. It’s an oath, a way of life. The very least you should call it is a motto. But oath would be better.
I like the way you slipped in references to the new reality of this america and hints of the technological advances. Th dialogue was believable and smooth.
You asked us to not speak of grammatical errors so I will simply say the passage definitely needs some proofreading as there are errors a spell check won’t pick up. Your tenses bounce around a bit as well.
All in all an interesting piece and I’m bummed that I don’t get to know what awaits the men at the safe zone.
Keep writing.
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Ramblin_Jack reviewed Version 1 -
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overall i liked it a lot, particularly the bit about the fight at the end, i like the way you describe the guy as tattoo after his initial introduction. Also the use of Semper Fi is a nice touch when Gavin uses it. One minor quibble would be the names its more of a personal preference but maybe they could be a bit more futuristic sounding if thats the right word? As i said though just a minor quibble.
DragonRider reviewed Version 1 -
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Frank was tall and lean with defined muscles and rippled arms; which flexed involuntarily in his Army green issue tank top. He had blond hair and a perfect tan and looked like he had just stepped off an armed forces recruitment brochure. He was strong and powerful looking even as he stood watching things play out he had an underlying menace something unsaid, but unmistakable nonetheless.
This is one of your flow problems. I found this out thed hard way, and by reading. To let your story flow and to keep your reader intrested you don’t want to stop the story and describe the entire person. Your going to want to weave their apearences into the story or your readers will get bored and sit there waiting for the story to continue.
I would also add more description on the setting. let your readers see what is going on.
CapnBlueballs reviewed Version 1 -
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‘certain menace’ doesn’t sound right. ‘menacing quality’ maybe
fourth para- last sentence makes no sense at all
why is the outcome predetermined?
Lets see…the flow is fine insofar as i understand whats going on. Hard to say, though, because flow and puncuation are first cousins and when the puncuation is lacking…
Dialogue is well done.
Dragonfyre96 reviewed Version 1 -
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This has a nice “Running Man” quality to it. Th action keeps movng along, so I don’t see where its a little rough. I like the characters and their bantering. Chad is funny, but able to be ruthless when necessary. He also has a bit of a dark temper, which he hides under his sense of humor. Gavin is a leader and keeps his emotions in check. This is a well written piece. It kept me engaged, but I wish there was more. It felt like there should have been more to this scene. Good luck and good writing.
starhammer1 reviewed Version 1 -
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The characters were all very interesting of course kept me reading until the very end. As for the story, a post apocalyptic era is always something I enjoy and this is no exception. I look forward to reading a lot more if you have more to offer.
derekosborne reviewed Version 1 -
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Your instructions are contradictory. How can we help you with flow if we cannot talk punctuation? I get that this is a thrid installment but there is still plenty to criticize. The worst piece of writing in the piece is your intruction. I know exactly what you you want to avoid. You’re a good enough writer to request it politely. That said, I’ll give it a try considering your constraints.
For the most part your diction goes well with the rat a tat prose style of adventure narrative. Occasionally an errant word or phrase slips in, such as:
“That was something he had no desire to partake in, if it could be avoided”
“Partake” is too high brow. It stood out.
The dialogue is good, these guys are individual and believable. The interior dialogue is also good. The tension created by running toward an uncertain goal works well. There is enough going on here to make me want to go back and read the first two installments.
Now – if I may – narrative flow. You gave yourself an out by saying in your intructions that this is a little rougher than usual. But if most of your commas and periods are deliberate, then your omission of commas is uneven. If you truly want the reader to speed through certain phrases for a stylistic effect then you need to carefully set up the rythm before each occurence.
Some flow suggestions:
With a shift of his steps Gavin spun around in bowing like motion and allowing the shirt to be pulled off.
Change to:
With a shift of his steps Gavin spun in a bowing like motion allowing his shirt to be pulled off.
The fighting is good. Fast and simple as most fights are.
MisterP reviewed Version 1 -
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Page one
No sense of place – where are the three vehicles?
Black vehicles are menacing – no need to mention it.
Frank nodded to who? Could be either Gavin or Chad.
Ah they are in the desert! So where was the sand clouds billowing around the three black vehicles?
Your descriptions of Frank and Chad are too cliched to make them credible. I know you didn’t want remarks regarding grammar but I’m going to give you one anyway, and that is ambiguity regarding the subjects of the sentences.
Page two
The dialogue is as predictable as the voice.
‘The men began again prattling’ – Never split an infinitive! ‘The men began prattling again’
How has Frank managed to get away before Gavin noticing he’d gone, and I won’t mention about being ‘in’ a jog. how do they know in which direction to jog?
Page three
Are they still running during the conversation? If so it would not be that easy for Gavin to remove his rucksack.
Page four
How many hands does Gavin have if he finished two water bottles? Without a rucksack he’d have to carry them, then what does he do with the rest of the personal effects he picked out.
Page seven
Shade of Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep coming through here. I doubt if you would hear footsteps sprinting through desert sand.
Page eight
‘Tattoo had all his weight tugging downward and he went face first into the pavement.’ I thought they were in a desert?
Page nine
Where has the concrete suddenly materialised from?
I have no sympathy with the characters, or the goal they are trying to achieve. Nor do I feel any empathy towards them, and without that you have lost your reader. I do not feel as though I am jogging next to them in the desert, nor do I feel the heat of the sun on my back.
Sorry for being so harsh.
bliz13 reviewed Version 1 -
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I love your style,you are wicked with the pen. Other than the typo on page four…”where were” should be “where we’re” this is flowing nice. As you siad this is raw, but even in it’s rawness it is the best writing I’ve read in a while.
MollyS reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall, Great Sci-fi story.
I think you have too many dialogue tags. Some of them are distracting, and aren’t really needed. Expample: ...dripping with sarcasm.. let us he’s sarcastic with his words, show, don’t tell.
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