Thank you very much!
You make very good points. And damn, I really need to read a Dean Koontz novel! I can honestly say I never intended this passage to sound like that lol
Romance / Legacy, revised
1. To be a fly
September 12th 1797
Over and over again, it banged against the window of the small room; the insect, the large fly. Since it was late in the year, and autumn was inevitably moving closer, it was slow in its movements and its buzzing a low, tired humming. Even so, its perseverance was tireless; its efforts to get out unflagging. Buzzing, it made its way over the sash bar, further onto the glass, where it fell and started over; a painstaking climb that lead nowhere.
The man took a step toward it. He stood before it for a short while, studying the insect with intense interest before he put his thumb over its fat little body and pressed down. The initial, aggravated buzzing was followed by a silence that left only the faint sound of laughter and the clinking of glasses from the downstairs salon to disturb the stillness of the room. The man brushed his hands against each other, and turned to the room once again. At the sight of the bed – or rather, what was in it, his features brightened some. Two steps, and he was there, squatting beside it to study her. She pulled the thin cover to her chin, and stared into his eyes; trapped by them, caught in their world of frost.
“How are you doing?”
She didn’t answer, but it didn’t seem as though he’d expected it.
“You will be fine,” he concluded, and straightened up. “You’re just exhausted. I told you that you would be, hm? Told you there was no way you could win. But you wouldn’t listen, and now you’re paying the price.” He shrugged; dismissed the subject with a firm shake of his shoulders. “I’ll be going downstairs for a while: use that time to get some rest. I’ll bring something with me when I get back. Is there anything you want?”
She shook her head.
“I’ll bring you some cognac. Just remember to rest, hm? And do wash up for a bit as well.” He moved across the room to the door, steps brisk and back straight; a proud man, full of confidence. “Don’t worry, angel. I’ll be right back.”
- *
With the door slammed shut behind him, and knowing he was gone – at least for a while – Meredith Bradley dared to move. She pushed the cover to the side, sat up and pushed her legs over the edge of the bed. She rose to her feet, careful not to make any sudden movements that would enhance the pain in her body. Still, with her each step, pain cut through her body so viciously it almost made her scream. Somehow she made it to the large commode beside the door. She closed her eyes once she was able to grip the edges of the washing basin, and rested there for a while, forehead leaned against the sharp edge.
From the jug, she poured a rich amount of water into the washing basin, and tried to wash up the best she knew how to. When done, she soaked the delicate lace trimmed washing cloth, and pressed it firmly against her eyes. The soothing coldness helped to wake her up; slowly, the numbness of her soul folded and all her senses returned with cutting sharpness. She smelled the blood and sweat from her own body, felt the taste of blood, like silver, in her mouth. There was a faint, rhythmic thudding against the wall in the room next door, moaning and groaning; sounds she now knew all too well. She pressed her hands to her ears and folded over slightly from the overwhealming urge to vomit. No more. Never again.
But what was the point in trying to fool herself – when she knew all too well there was no reason why it wouldn’t happen again? What was going on behind the wall, was her job now, too. It had been decided for her by others, and so it must be.
It was certainly nothing she’d known as she’d woken this morning, and it made her slightly bitter to know how she’d gone about her day, thinking she was Meredith Bradley, barmaid at The Golden Horse, without knowing or even suspecting how drastically all that was to change that very same evening. Well, some things were still the same: she was still Meredith Bradley, thank God for that. Meredith Bradley just wasn’t a barmaid anymore. One day, and one decision, was what it had taken for her whole world to change.
Was this going to be her life from now on? Would she have to suffer this foulness everyday for the rest of her life? Be pushed into rooms with strangers who wanted to… do things? Was that really what Derek wanted from her? Yes. She knew it was. This was, she gathered, what he’d had in mind for her since the day she was born. After all, the daughter of a whore, could never be anything but a whore, herself.
She got dressed. Her clothes were torn, but not too badly, and if she pulled the shawl over her shoulders and tied it properly over her chest, the big tear from the neckline to the sleeve was barely detectable. With her shoes in one hand, she went to the window, leaned forward, pressed her nose against the glass. The night was very dark, sky lit only by the sporadically placed gas lights along High Street some blocks away, and the autumn chill kept people cowering inside their houses, leaving only a deserted world; perfect to disappear into.
A quick glance over her shoulder confirmed that she was still alone, and no sounds indicated the man’s return. He was probably socialising in the bar; taking his time, enjoying his cognac. Knowing she would be there when he returned. Or maybe not.
The window swung out into the dark. Her shoes went down first; she saw them drop to the ground, and cringed at the thud when they landed on the trampled dirt. The house was only three stories high – but quite enough to cause injuries, if one should happen to fall. Her mouth was dry, her legs shaking, when she pushed herself out onto the small ledge that ran along the house façade. Carefully, she glided out, back against the cold wall, staring at the abyss far below her feet. A sudden gush of air gripped at her skirt as it swished passed, into the alley. She dug her fingers into the wall, and closed her eyes. What was she doing? What you must. Of course.
Eyes still closed – it felt safer that way – she slid her feet along the very thin ledge; one small, nerve wrenching step at a time. Her plan was to get to the other side of the house, where another, lower roof took over and offered a safe way down to the ground. But it was discouragingly far away… I’ll never get there in time. Faster – she had to move faster.
The moment the thought had entered her mind, her arm was yanked back by a brutal hand.
“What the hell are you doing?” His voice was hoarse with rage. He tugged at her, forced her back. “Get back this instant!”
“No! Let go…”
“Hardly. You’re getting back in here now. What do you think will happen if you fall? You’ll hurt yourself. Do you want to get hurt, girl?”
The absurdity of what he was saying made her laugh – but the laugh turned into a sob, and was followed by a flood of tears that made the sight of his face go blurry. She was now more hanging, than standing up: he had a firm hold of her arm, and had started to haul her in. She let him. Met his eyes, those horrible, jackdaw eyes, and knew that once she was inside the room, his revenge would be relentless, his punishment cruel and without pity. I’d rather die.
She placed her foot on the ledge and pushed back. He didn’t let go, his only reaction a faint, disapproving grunt and a tightening of his grip. She swung her arm back, and took a strike at his face. Her nails were sharp and long: they dug into his cheek, and tore through the pale golden skin all the way down to his neck. He cried out and jerked back, and, as she kicked back against the window frame, he finally lost his grip around her arm.
The fall didn’t last longer than the time between one panicked breath and the next: only a fraction of a second after he’d let go, she landed on hard trampled soil; on her feet. There was a loud snapping noise from somewhere inside her foot, a noise that seemed to spread through her body, into her head – and when reaching it, the pain followed. It shot through her with excruciating strength, a red glowing fire that made her fall down on her side and curl up into a ball, hands pressed against her ankle and teeth clenched to keep from screaming.
In the sudden, biding stillness she heard his voice. Born with the breeze it was strangely clear, and it was trembling with rage.
“She jumped. I couldn’t see where she went. Too damn dark.” He swore, low and intense. “Jesus, I’m bleeding. I want that girl back here!”
“Yes… Of course, milord.” The other voice was all too familiar. It was Derek’s. “Wretched child. I don’t know what’s gotten into her. Jump from a window?” His sigh, tinged with dismal over her behaviour, wafted to the ground like a black, tarnished feather. “Ungrateful, that’s what she is. Always been quite the daydreamer… like her mother, mind. But I never thought she’d…” He paused, and sighed again. “I’m dreadfully sorry, milord. And I will of course repay some of what you gave, and I hope you will accept a bottle of cognac on the house… It’s the least I can do.”
“Yes, I rather think it is.” His voice grew muffled as he turned from the window. “Get on with it, then. I haven’t got all night.”
Meredith got up, on one leg, using the wall to steady herself. Pain made her empty her stomach fiercely against the house wall. Panting and sobbing she then stood there, unable to move, choking on bile from a still cramping, but now empty stomach, her world disappeared and reappeared with every panicked heartbeat. To calm herself, she closed her eyes, and breathed through her nose. In, and out. In, and out. It helped some: her world grew clearer, more distinct. With her hand pressed against the wall, she took one pained step toward the opening out to the street – but stopped, as door to the house opened. Warm, soft light flowed over the ground, into the alley, reached all the way to where she was standing, and made her lift her head. Staring at it, she knew that the silhouette that filled the doorway, the rectangle of light, must be Derek.
There was a shout from above her head.
“I can’t see her… Perhaps she’s gone?”
The silhoutte that was Derek answered. “No, milord.” His voice was calm, friendly almost. “She’s right here.” He raised it some; called out to her. “You’ll be just fine, Meredith. Stay where you are. I’ll get you.”
And that’s when she ran.
- *
I must be quiet. Can’t let them hear me. But her sobbing, violent and loud, each breath a strained wail, was nothing she could control, nothing she had power to do anything about, and they echoed through the empty streets, filling each alley with the lamented sound. Limping, dragging herself along the houses, she made it forward – but not very fast. Derek would be right behind her, and he would soon catch up, and bring her back.
Hide. Find somewhere and hide.
One of the houses lining the street provided the refuge she needed: a door to an entrance hall that had been pulled open. As she slid into its dark inner, a cat, clearly upset by her presence, darted past her out into the street, slick shadow. Take my place, little cat. Make him think you’re me. Having shut the door firmly, she limped to the enormous staircase that swung itself so grandiosely to the above apartments. She slumped to the floor beside it, and curled up, hid her face against her arms to protect herself from the rippling waves of pain. Or was it perhaps to escape the torturous buzzing in her head? As it grew stronger with her every heartbeat, a constant, aggrevated sound, as if from the tiny wings of a fly, she moaned slowly, but was unable to escape it.
She couldn’t tell when or how it faded – but it did. The darkness that wrapped itself around her, cloaked everything in woollen, grateful silence, and as her conscience slipped away, her whole world soon grew very quiet, and very black.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Poetiquette101 reviewed Version 5 -
Read 100% of the Item
it was very well written we as the audience were pulled in by the usage of words and the juxtaposition between characters very nice, I’m glad I spent my time reading something of substance, finally, thank you! 8)
- add/view comments (0)
East reviewed Version 5 -
Read 100% of the Item
Page one – “Even so, its perseverance was tireless; its efforts to get out unflagging.” Replace “get out” with “escape”
I don’t think you need to tell us it is late in the year AND autumn was moving closer. Pick one.
”...it was slow in its movements and its buzzing a low, tired humming”- huh? Do you mean to say “its movements were slow, and its buzzing was a low, tired humming?
I think your exposition of the villain is a little off. Telling us he’s evil by having him squish a fly with his finger seems a little cliche.
Your writing is pretty conventional, but it’s still good.
Page 2- So far your antagonist seems like every single one that has ever been in a Dean Koontz novel. Same goes for your protagonist, actually.
The writing is still good.
Page 3-”What was going on behind the wall, was her job now, too.” – You can take out all the commas in this sentence. If you want, you can leave in the second one, but the first is unnecessary.
“It was certainly nothing she’d known when she’d woken this morning, and it made her slightly bitter to know how she’d gone about her day thinking she was Meredith Bradley, barmaid at The Golden Horse, without knowing or even suspecting how drastically all that would change come evening.” – This sentence feels too drawn out to me.
Page 4- Your descriptions and imagery is good here.
The “Or maybe not” is a little overdone, and could probably stand to be removed or replaced.
Page 5- You’ve done a good job with making this encounter intense. The only sentence I think you should rework is “The fall didn’t last longer than the time between one panicked breath and the next: only a fraction of a second after he’d let go, she landed on hard trampled soil; on her feet.”
Page 6- This is good.
Page 7- I don’t think running explains how she got away with it. If she’s broken and ankle, it’s probably not very realistic(or physically possible) for here to run. Maybe she should slink, or limp away. If you are going to run, you need to emphasize how much it hurts, how it tears and cracks her leg.
Page 8- Good.
Overall, this definitely drew me in and held my interest throughout. It is written very conventionally, but you’ve done it well and it’s and easy read.. I would just avoid the pitfall of making things too cliche. If the rest of the book is like this, then if you get published you would probably sell some copies.
EJSchwartz reviewed Version 5 -
Read 100% of the Item
I ranked you low for romance because you haven’t gotten to that part yet. This is excellent. Continue in the same way you are doing. You are ready for the next segment. Let me know when it is ready.
lyingirisheyes reviewed Version 4 -
Read 100% of the Item
I think it’s a great start to become a truly interesting Romance novel. I love the beginning.
Of course, I’m already hoping Meredith gets away and something visciously nasty happens to the ‘Milord’.
Some spell check.
I think there should be a bit more of a descriptive atmosphere, something that will allow readers feel like they are actually apart of the story; the girl, and the man, of the room, the smells, sounds, the outside.
I want to read more, is there more of this listed?!!
Jacamo reviewed Version 4 -
Read 100% of the Item
Obviously a convoluted story for the heroine to be in this predicament.The whole story should be interesting.
Johnsienoel reviewed Version 4 -
Read 100% of the Item
lead = led
turned to the room once again = turned into the room?
soul folded = unfolded?
as she’d woken = when she awoke
was what it had taken = all it had taken
More, More, More….the first chapter left me wanting more which is always a good thing when writing a novel. It means the reader is emotionally attached to the protagonist and wants to know what happens next.
I just think you need to go through and proofread which is always an issue with any working manuscript.
I love how, at the end of the chapter, you bring it back around to the fly.
The entrance hall door that had been pulled open? By whom? The cat? A maid?Was that person still in the hallway? If not you might want to add that is was pulled open and then forgotten or some such treatment.
cjbowenrd reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
She pushed the cover to the side, sat up and pushed her legs over the edge of the bed; careful not to make any sudden movements that would enhance the pain, clenching her teeth when it still pierced her body as she rose to her feet. This sentence is really long. I got lost at the spot where she was clenching her teeth. I’m not sure what you meant there. Was it, clenching her teeth it (pain?) still pierced through her body….
She closed her eyes when she could grip the edges of the washing basin on its top, and had to rest there for a while, forehead leaned against the sharp edge, before being able to continue. – This was a bit awkward and hard to understand. It needs to be tightend. Try, She closed her eyes once she was able to grip the top edges of the washing basin and rested there for a while, forehead leaned against the sharp edge.
A sudden gush of air gripped of her skirt as it swished passed… – gripped of should be gripped at.
house, where another, lower house took over – consider changing lower house to lower roof.
and, as she kicked back against the window frame, finally lost his grip around her arm.
It needs a ‘he’ before finally.
Always been quite the daydreamer… like her mother, mind. – I’m not sure what the purpose of ‘mind’ is in this sentence.
Overall this was really intresting and kept my attention. Very strong opening and you built the characthers well. I would have liked to hear what made these men so awful a tiny bit more. You did a great job. I really did want to keep reading.
wolfie_pink reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Oh my… this really has drama and suspense to it. I like that. Please inform me what the next part is out I’m looking forward to more.
EJSchwartz reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I want to read more and I am going to add you to my favorites. This held me from the beginning. Some errors though:
studying the insect with intense interest, before he put his thumb over its fat little body and pressed down. You need to get rid of the comma after interest otherwise it sounds like you are continuing on with his obeservation.
It should read; studying the insect with intense interest before he put his thumb down over its fat little body.
Also, make sure you ae using the correct verbage, for example:
Nervewrecking? Nervewrenching. Also, jackdaw? or slackjaw?
Otherwise this is GREAT!
scottsta reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
wow. liked this a lot. a couple of odd shifts in pov bothered me. ty. I’d rather die. was one. maybe they were in italics and didn’t translate. i think you have a great beginning. great action. i was wondering for a second why she had to jump out the window but it made sense she’d have to pass her handlers. i hope you get published and make as much money as Ken Follet. I think you might have been able to elaborate a little more on the character – but perhaps you do in the next chapter. anyway – best of luck with this.
Showing 1 - 10 of 11
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
3 Reviews 2 Comments
Version 4
Latest Activity: 9 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 37 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
