Thanks! :)
Children's / Andy and the Magic Wand (Revised)
On a bright and sunny day near a deep, blue pond,
Little Andy Daniels found a magic wand.
He tried to cast spells by the bright, yellow flowers,
Hoping that the wand had magical powers.
He tried to turn a duck into a big, white goat.
Tried to make a rocket from a little wooden boat.
He tried changing daisies into tiny red roses.
He tried to give a bunny seven extra noses!
Andy stood beside an ancient maple tree.
“Why won’t this wand do magic for me?”
With no “Abra Cadabras” left for him to say,
Andy dropped his wand and began to walk away.
Then he heard a voice that came from somewhere near,
A voice so soft and raspy, it was difficult to hear,
“Magic isn’t created from a wand for a start.
Magic only comes from deep within your heart.”
Little Andy Daniels turned back toward the tree,
He whispered softly, “Did you just speak to me?”
“If you believe in magic, it will come to light,
All you have to do is wish with all your might.”
Andy closed his eyes and made a silent wish,
“All I really want is a little golden fish.”
He opened up his eyes and looked around the park,
He heard a cat’s meow and he heard a puppy’s park.
He saw a small squirrel that was fluffy and gray,
Collect a few nuts before scurrying away.
He saw a tiny bird soar high above his head,
And heard a buzzing bee beside the flower bed.
He looked all around for his tiny golden fish,
And hoped with all his heart that he would finally get his wish.
But though he believed, his fish was nowhere near,
So Andy hung his head and shed one salty tear.
He turned from the pond and the ancient maple tree,
He turned from the flower bed and the tiny buzzing bee.
He no longer heard the little puppy’s bark.
He was ready to leave the bright and sunny park.
Just then he saw his parents not too far away,
Andy stopped walking, not quite sure what to say.
Andy’s mom was holding his one and only wish,
A small glass bowl with a tiny golden fish!
He cried out in delight and ran to her knees.
“Oh, Mommy can I see him, can I see my fishy please?”
Andy’s mommy smiled as she gave him his gift.
He felt his heart swell and sensed his spirits lift.
After placing a kiss upon her son’s head,
Andy’s mommy laughed and then to Andy said,
“For so long you have asked for your very own fish,
Now we think you’re old enough to grant you your wish.”
Andy cried “Thank you!” and laughed out loud.
“I’ll take great care of him!” Little Andy vowed.
He called out to tree when it was time for him to leave,
“Magic really happens when you truly do believe!”
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
mikkimcleod reviewed Version 10 -
Read 100% of the Item
It’s nice to hear that you are open to suggestions … the flow is at about a 7. I did have to read a few lines again, but it didn’t distract me enough to take away from the sweet quality of the this idea. The POV did however change and tripped me up. All and all though, I enjoyed the concept and so did my daughter when I read it aloud to her. Ask others to read it aloud so you can hear the flow and where an average reader might pause. Really enjoyed the story … thank you for posting this for review.
- add/view comments (0)
lmjean3 reviewed Version 10 -
Read 100% of the Item
The only flow problem for me was this, “But though he believed, his fish was nowhere near,
So Andy hung his head and shed one salty tear.” I think it is mostly the So Andy part that didn’t feel right for me took me about three reads to flow with it. I understood what you were trying to say but reading aloud was a little difficult for me with the words chosen. Overall I was very intrigued and amused by the story couldn’t wait to see how Andy was going to get his wish, and for me it had a surprised ending, wasn’t expecting his parents to grant it. Bravo, I really liked with story and the rhyming. I’m a ryming gal myself. Very nice, good luck!
sjvance reviewed Version 10 -
Read 100% of the Item
Pretty good. Rhythm and rhyming are good. ”He called out to tree when it was time for him to leave,” is missing a word maybe. I love magic and this is cute except I don’t know why his family would take the fish to a park, this seemed a little out of place. Thanks for letting me read your poem.
JEDoherty reviewed Version 10 -
Read 100%% of the Item
There was only the one small typo that I found but you have probably already picked it up.
He heard a cat’s meow and he heard a puppy’s bark (park).
As to the rhythm, the one line that caused me to stumble was
He saw a small squirrel that was fluffy and gray,
I had to end up splitting fluf-fy up in my head to make it work.
On the whole though, this is a great read and has some vivid imagery and a positive message
Cheers
Jeff
GreenEyes5 reviewed Version 10 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I really enjoyed this! I could definatly see this published in a poem book or such! I coul see little children threw the age of 8 or 9 years old who would enjoy it. You had wonderful grammer and the words seemed to flow easily. Good luck on this poem going to high places!
AstridM reviewed Version 10 -
Read 100%% of the Item
There are a few punctuation/spelling things that caught my eye:
deep, blue pond & bright, yellow flowers – You don’t need a comma for either of these. They just create unnecessary pauses when you read the lines.
puppy’s park- puppy’s bark
He saw a small squirrel that was fluffy and gray,
Collect a few nuts before scurrying away. – You’ve got a comma between the subject and verb. It doesn’t need to be there.
And hoped with all his heart that he would finally get his wish.- This line seems to break your rhythm. It’s so much longer than all the others.
artofstocks reviewed Version 10 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Your words were well written. I do not think you need a publisher, I think you should do it yourself.
It’s flow was good and easy for me to understand.
Ness reviewed Version 10 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I think this is a wonderful story. Congratulations on your great rhythm and rhyme. I Can imagine this poem in a children’s book and I’m sure kids will love it. I did notice one typo error though, “He heard a cat’s meow and he heard a puppy’s park.” park should be bark.
Sharon reviewed Version 10 -
Read 100% of the Item
“Magic isn’t created from a wand for a start.” I had to scratch my head trying to figure this one out. I don’t think it would make sense to most young people reading it. It rhymes, but there are better things to write I think…
“There’s something you should know that’s the most important part,
Magic only happens when it’s wished on by your heart”
I don’t know… They both have 13 syllables. I just didn’t like, ”...for a start.”
“He whispered softly, “Did you just speak to me?”” Again, I didn’t like the ‘tree’ ‘softly’ and ‘me’ all back to back. Try,
“Under his breath he said, “Did you just speak to me?”
The rest of it I love. I do wonder though what his mother would be doing in a field carrying a fishbowl… Other than that I think it’s great and most kids would probably adore it. Good luck!
JganJay reviewed Version 10 -
Read 100% of the Item
Wow that was great! I really enjoyed it. It had a great rhythm and soon found myself with a little beat going in my head as I read.
I found one typo in S6 L4 the last word should be “bark” not “park”.
Overall I really enjoyed it. I found it to be one of the best children’s stories I have read on Urbis. Keep up the the good work and thanks for sharing!
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
14 Reviews 7 Comments
Version 10
Latest Activity: 29 days ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 216 Times
Skipped: 10 Times
Ratings & Rankings
