Yes, you’re not the first person to suggest this be re-formatted as a poem rather than senryu/rensaku. I may explore that later. Thanks for reviewing!
Haiku/Senryu / Cock Fight
Every day at work
A penis showing contest
“Mine’s bigger than yours!”
Grown men act like boys.
They make extravagant claims,
And hurl expletives.
Buying bigger cars,
Houses, and TVs, trying
To trump each other.
Why not whip it out?
Show that schlong! Get it done with!
And move on with life.
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aliciatr reviewed Version 2 -
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Wow. Such annoying co-workers you must have!
At least you found a fun way to deal with them!
And, little do they know they’re now published online!
Ha!
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ParticoRomulus reviewed Version 2 -
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I do think you should free yourself from the 5-7-5 format and pursue this as a freer form of poetry. It’s a good subject, but you end up telling more than showing (no pun intended.) Evoke the fight, don’t just tell us that they’re cocks.
angelauddie2107 reviewed Version 2 -
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I would totally say Poem! I am still learning about hakiu’s, and how to read them.. People keep mention about syllable format, and I just dont get it.. Maybe i should Look it up more and get a field of what i am attempting to read? :) So other then that.. Great Poem I liked it!
Kadence reviewed Version 2 -
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I thought that this was pretty amusing. I think it’s wonderful when people just come up with something amusing and entertaining just for fun. And what better to write about than your two annoying, bickering coworkers! The poem itself is funny, and holds a bit of meaning at the end. A good combination. I didn’t see much for errors, so over all it was a nice little piece. Well done!
septemberchild reviewed Version 2 -
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Interesting way of dealing with coworkers. It doesn’t work as haiku but it is my understanding that senyru is much more flexible and often deals with humanity, relationship and politics. Thanks for sharing.
Nathan22 reviewed Version 2 -
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9 simply for the humor and idea of presenting it. I got a smile and a laugh from it, especially the first.
squarehopper reviewed Version 2 -
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Interesting situation and a way to handle.
If you want a serious critique of the style of the poem… here goes.
The grouping of haiku(or other Japenesse forms) is acceptable as long as there is a common theme that weaves through them and comes together in the end. This does this but does so in a very simple form… not like other groupings I have seen… but it still works.
THere is a problem with rhythm as you go from Haiku to Haiku… you have long words in one to make that verse shorter and faster, and monosyllablic words in another that makes that verse longer and slower.
There are syllable fillers that you may want to remove and replace with words that help with image and meaning or strengthen the action. These are: at, and, the, on, a, they, to.
There are words that are redundant that can be removed and replaced to make the piece more image filled and stronger: grown, every day, showing, with.
hope this helps.
metaku reviewed Version 2 -
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This is actually a lot of fun! This type of collected verse is usually called rensaku, and fits well in the haiku/senryu category.
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