tks! I’m re-editing as we speak. There were some cut and paste problems that I didn’t catch…and I’m putting in what a few others have suggested. The new version hopefully, will read better, with more description etc.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Dark Moon Rising Chapter 1
Chapter 1
I stood in a place
Where the darkness converged
And light was swallowed
I stood in a place
Where night ruled.
Dragonar Song of the Night
The figure stood, gazing out of the tower’s only window, the astrological device gripped in his powerful hands. He was clad in a dark blue velvet robe that almost blended with the deep night sky. The room, spartan in decoration and comfort, was littered with arcane tomes and paraphernalia. Scrolls and star charts were spread across the broad oak table in the middle of the chamber.
The man rolled his shoulders, trying to ease the tension away from his knotted muscles. Muttering to himself, the mage put the astrolabe down for a moment, and uttered a word of power.
Immediately the air around him shimmered, like a desert mirage. Fine boned fingers stretched into wicked talons capable of ripping through armor. Magnificent, leathery wings unfurled behind the man’s back, powerful sinews creaking with disuse. The handsome bearded human face was momentarily distorted, as another feature warred to replace it. Features that were distinctively dragon-like. A long, thickly muscled tail coiled around the being’s feet, under the robes.
“Much better,” Decarex stretched, luxuriating in the power and strength his own true-form allowed him. It was a form at once feared and respected throughout the Land. For he was of the Dragonar, a race of beings the other peoples of the Land termed dragonmen. Legend has it that the dragonar were descendants of the ancient Dragon Gods, the creators of the Land. They were the continents foremost warriors and mercernaries, the most powerful mages and learned mystics. Warlords and kings sought them for their armies and paid ridiculous sums for their aid in battles, whether arcane or martial. Where the dragonar strode, battle-tides turned. Only the elven civilization pre-dated theirs, but even the elves knew little about these dragonkin.
That they were feared for their might and knowledge was a given. The petty kingdoms and city-states lived in terror that the dragonmen would some day sweep down from their lofty halls in the Northern Wastes and create an Empire of their own. They were certainly capable of it.
Decarex chuckled as hes scanned the latest missives from the Ravenite Empire, from the self-styled Emperor Maxian. It was written in the Emperor’s own spidery handwriting, which meant it had bypassed the Senate vote. The situation in the Empire must be shaky indeed, for the Emperor to go behind his government in such military dealings.
My dearest Lord High Sorceror Decar’ex,
I hope to find you in good health.
As we have agreed, the payment of 50,000 Ravens is enroute, for the services of your dragonmen. They will rendezvous with my forces at Barrenfort, where they will proceed to lead the assault on the rebel stronghold and level it to the ground.
Another 50,000 will be paid to your war-chest once the deed is done.
Maxian XII
Business as usual…mused the Lord High Sorcerer of the Towers Arcane. I’ll have to send this to Zaxamor. As Lord High Sorceror, Decarex held power over the magic-using cadres of the dragonmen, thaumurturgic soldiers who could throw bolts of destructive mageforce, cast great battle-spells and also mystic healers who could seal grievous wounds with a word of power. He shared rulership with Lord Marshall Zaxamor, who controlled the martial portion of the Dragonar Host, its warrior legions. Together with the four Grandmasters of the Dragon, they formed the Dragonar Council, the actual rulers of the dragonar people.
A movement in the night skies caught his keen eyes. The sorcerer raised the astrological instrument to his eyes again, checking the location where he had caught the movement.
The sight that greeted him almost drove the breath from his chest.
Up in the galaxies, where the stars wheeled in their eternal orbits, something had gone deadly wrong.
An entire constellation had… shifted.
Decarex’s hands shook as he tore his eyes away from his astrolabe. It cannot be! The dragonar breathed. He felt bitter bile rise to his throat, as panic sought a grip on the powerful sorceror, Lord of the Towers Arcane. The constellations have aligned! Yet it was not possible. That an event prophesied to take place a millennium from now, would force a convergence at this moment! The wizard sought his astrolabe again, to reassure himself he had not been hallucinating.
He was not. Feverishly, he discarded and the instrument and ripped an ancient tome from the shelf closest to him. Flipping through the pages, his taloned finger traced the archaic script.
The Warrior and the Dragon
Shall battle across the skies
And in their bloody wake
A Black Moon shall arise
The Black Moon! Decarex almost screamed in despair. It meant the time had come! The prophecy was being fulfilled ahead of its time! With the moon’s rise, a portal between worlds, a rent in the fabric of reality, would open on this world! And our nightmares will begin anew. The wizard’s talons scrabbled across his table, seeking more ancient scrolls, tomes and parchments. He had to be sure. This concerned the survival of his entire race. This entire land!
We are not prepared! His mind reeled.
His search brought him to another ancient tome. The Remembrance. It recorded all that his race had gone through, their trials and tribulations, from five thousand years ago, when they had fled their homeworld. With trembling hands the dragonar sorcerer opened the leather bound volume. One word leapt out at him almost immediately, causing the powerful archmage to catch his breath.
The Seraphanim!
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
revanwithin reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I’m glad I found this chapter. It was very intriuging and unique. The bit about the Empire and rebellion and all that reminded me a bit of Star Wars, but I’ll not complain since I’ve written (and am revising) a fantasy set in space, and I’m just waiting for someone to make that comment. Digressing…
I have very few issues with this. I’ll point out the things that stuck me as, possibly, fixable.
“The room, spartan in decoration and comfort” (I’m not sure the word spartan should be used, unless this world is contected to our own and they’d know what Spartans were)
” “Much better,” Decarex stretched,” (Here I’d put a period after ‘better,’ then make a new paragraph for “Decarex stretched”)
“mused the Lord High Sorcerer of the Towers Arcane” (I think that is too much information about him in one sentence. You could almost forget what he was musing about)
“thaumurturgic” (I checked my computer dictionary and it doesn’t regonize this word. I’m guessing, then, that this your creation. If so you ought to state what it means somewhere. If it is a real word, I think you ought to change it. I’ve been acused of using big words i my writing, and I know I’ve never even heard of it)
“The prophecy was being fulfilled ahead of its time!” (In my mind I don’t think a prophecy can be fulfilled ahead of its time. It happens precisely when and where it’s supposed to. That’s the feeling I get anyway. Maybe you could say something like, “the prophecy was being fulfilled much earlier than anticpated”
Overall very good. I enjoyed the verses that were in this too.
- add/view comments (1)
MortalAngel reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I thought this was easily one of the best stories I’ve seen on here for a while. I think you flawlessly showed the image of the dragonar people. There is also a sense of inbalance that I think you were trying to portray between the power of the human race and the dragonkin. It seems the dragon men are not to be messed with or underestimated. I like the set up of the war going on and now it seems a greater conflict is approaching. I only saw a few problems. ”Feverishly, he discarded and the instrument and ripped…” I’m guessing it was supposed to be “of the instrument”. Of course that’s no big deal. The other is that I can’t picture the world around the tower. I can’t tell if it’s supposed to be a dark mysterious world or a sunny visage around the dark tower. That’s the mistake I make a lot myself. I feel strange critiquing something that’s better than my own work though ;) Thanks for this post.
VanMarie reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I can see that you know what you are writing about. However, at times the writing was to “wordy” for me. I got lost in the verbage and would have to re-read some of the lines. I couldn’t understand it and was trying to make it a clearer vision in my head. I try to picture what I am reading. I think you have great potential to be a successful writer.
I can see that someone could read your piece and totally get it and flow with it. For me it was a piece that didn’t flow and leave me wanting more. But no worries, you do write well.
Weaver reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
“wings unfurled” Just wondering – does his robe change too to make room for those wings, or is it cut in a way so that isn’t a problem, or what? People who shapechange frequnetly would surely have some kind arrangement so they didn’t rip their clothes every time…
“another feature” Should that be “other features”?
“continents” should be “continent’s”
“Decar’ex” Is there a reason why this has an apostrophe here and not elsewhere?
“Zaxamor” I’m already seeing a pattern in the names of various peoples. Looks like dragonar favor x’s and r’s and sharp-edged consonants… I like the fact that although these names are strange, they are still pronouncable.
“Yet it was not possible…” I suggest combining this with the sentence immediately after, and dropping the comma following “from now.”
“discarded and” The “and” should be deleted.
“five thousand years ago…” Hmmm… So the dragonar aren’t native to this world at all.
I actually found this less interesting that the second chapter, which I read first. Could be due to what is happening in this chapter, and how that is presented. The descriptions of character and setting are detailed enough, but they don’t have any spark, nothing that makes those descriptions really catch my attention.
thewizard83 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
You most definitely have fast pace going for you. Pace is key for a quality fantasy. Your prose is fairly solid. When you talked about them Dragonar as the foremost warriors and mages, being descended of gods, and sought as hired aide, it felt too matter of fact. I could see that being the case if Decarex was narrating, but you’re using third person so these should be conveyed as more absolute truth, basically stronger words and added details. I found the description of the governing body of the Dragonar a blunt. I think you can smooth it out. Apart from that, I like what I see. You have a deeply rooted world with a rich history and lore. Keep improving it.
A couple side notes. As a creator, I hope I’m not stepping on any toes, but I didn’t like the name Dragonar. There’s just something about reading it I don’t like. Draconar, Dracona, Dragona all sound better to me. The other is just stick with fantasy and publishable overall as criteria. Pretty much everyone here has talent worth shapping, the site is for reviewing work, and anything on publishers is a coin flip.
Lino reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Compelling and interesting, good hook. Makes me want to know more, which is always good!
You could perhaps tighten it a bit in the beginning – feed the reader with the descriptions a little at the time throughout the chapter, instead of giving everything away in one go. Also, Decarex’s different titles that keep reappearing throughout the text are a bit confusing (Lord of the Towers Arcane, wizard, dragonar sourcerer, etc.). Other than that, I think it holds up pretty well. Nice work!
Showing 1 - 6 of 6
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
6 Reviews 7 Comments
Version 2
Latest Activity: 8 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 37 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
Versions
| Version 2 | Version 1 (Deleted) |