Thanks for the review.
I still just don’t get why people think cherry bombs are only enjoyed by bitter people, or why explaining what makes an ice cream truck evil after telling people that I’m much older but still chasing the good ones comes across as bitter. I’ll rewrite it with more about the good truck and why I chased it.
Humor/Satire / 28 Year-Old Flavors
I chased an ice cream truck today
It was soft serve
There are two kinds of ice cream trucks:
Soft serve
And evil
The evil ones are basically just convenience stores on wheels
Only they don’t have porno mags and cigarettes
(They did have cigarettes when I was a kid)
What they do have is all the gimmicky prefab garbage
No banana splits, no sundaes…
At least not real sundaes
Just little freezer burned cups of frozen non-dairy creamer
What kind of sundae doesn’t have whip cream or a cherry?
I get my cherries at a bar now
They soak them in bourbon
After enough bourbon
You don’t notice that the ice cream is fake.
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Talashira reviewed Version 1 -
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Very, very clever! I have only a couple of suggestions: Use more (or at least some) punctuation, as I think it would lend solidity to the piece; and remove the line where you remember that “they did have cigarettes when [you] were a kid”, as it feels like an awkward break in the flow of the piece, where you jump into reminiscing and then jump straight back into the present. Otherwise, as I’d said, very clever.
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WolfWarrior reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this was slightly humorous, but there are some bitter parts in it. like how you said that the other ice cream trucks are evil, and how you say the only cherries you get now are just soaked in bourbon, aside from that, i think it was kind of funny. I liked how you said the evil ice cream was frozen non-dairy creamer, cause that is exactly what bad ice cream tastes like!
fatty1016 reviewed Version 1 -
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i like the way you portray how things change, well done. you go from loving ice cream trucks as a kid, to realizing that they really are evil. and your cherry comes from a bourbon at the bar. i like this writing, but i think it could have more. it might have more effect if there werent spaces, i have no idea really i am just an amatuet writer, but thats what i think, good luck
joancrown reviewed Version 1 -
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Yeah, I see what you mean: bitter. Maybe it’s because of the image of porno mags and cigarettes… it doesn’t seem so satirical of the childhood icon (although, I remember a couple of really shady ice cream men in my past!) When I think of humor, I can conjure up an image of Van Halen’s Ice-Cream Man song… David Lee Roth in the little paper cap. Your poem here is a bit more depressed than that (not that you’re depressed…just the idea of the evil ice cream truck). But I do love the final stanza…. maybe that compare/contrast could be worked into the rest of the poem somehow? Not the same image, necessarily, but a then-and-now? Or even more background on the “dark side” of the ice cream man when you were a kid? Not sure. For what it is, a reminiscence, I enjoy….
Sharon reviewed Version 1 -
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I don’t know that this was all that humorous. I read it with a straight face, waiting for the punch line at the end, but it never really came.
I don’t think they’re evil if they’re on wheels. Kids will take any kind of ice cream, even if it does come in a freezer-burned (hyphened)cup. You did when you were a kid, your kids did it, your kid’s kids will do it, and so on and so on.
So when you’re drunk you don’t realize how bad it tastes? If you can stomach the taste of bourbon, surely frozen non-dairy creamer cups won’t make you sick.
I’m not sure why you wrote it in fragments sentences like a poem if you don’t claim it to be one (which it isn’t). Regular paragraph style would have been more effective. It’s an insightful piece of lit. I never really thought about it this way…
Good luck with it.
carousel reviewed Version 1 -
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I loved this. Sharp, snappy, straight-to-the-point. I laughed aloud when I read ‘Soft serve / and evil’. The piece has a nice balance of message and humour. It works well in the format, I think.
I’m trying to think of something contructive to say to help you improve but I don’t think you have much of a need for that – if you were writing like this seven years ago, you’re probably pretty damn good now, too.
Lyrikkal1 reviewed Version 1 -
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that was a great laugh and the end was great Really bittersweet and funny. Great job!
BeccathePromoMami reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this captures a seemingly bitter adult looking back on his life (mainly childhood) and wondering how he/she got to the point they’re at or how the world got to be the way it is.
Is it funny? eh… the last line made me laugh.
it’s very honest and observational though.
I enjoyed reading it.
Jimmel104 reviewed Version 1 -
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Excellent. I can remember home made ice cream peddlers in the park on 4th of July in the 1950’s. They didn’t have porno mags or cigs either but they did have cotton candy too.
You have not only created a humorous piece but a nostaglia generator too. Well done. Oh, by the way, I don’t remember the cherries I got at the bars. :>)
Solid 8/9
freckleface reviewed Version 1 -
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:) I have no criticisms on your structure. I get it… rhythm, flow, timing. I was criticized on this site for something I’d similarly written. I think it works. My friends who are writing professors think it works. My friends who are professional writers have no criticisms of this. I say this because you don’t need to be discouraged by that sort of criticism. As for the content of the writing, I like the juxtaposition of a childhood element with a very adult element – it’s playful. As a typically humanistic/existential thinker, I had fun with the symbolisms (chasing an ice cream truck, the sundae without the dressings, bourbon-soaked cherries). I don’t know if they were intentional, but they’re brilliant nonetheless. Well done. It all circles around nicely in the end. High marks from me…
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