Thank you!
Humor/Satire / Troubleshooting & Internet Assistance
1. When a printer is blocked it helps to massage the cartridge with silken gloves. Should your hands be nimble enough, it will permit you one sheet of paper at a time, making the noise: “Oooooh…”
2. Never insult a modem.
3. A modem is a fickle creation, rather like a cream cracker or a French waitress, so it is best to coat it in velveteen curtains and sparkly doilies. When you log on, your modem will feel 54.2% cosier.
4. There are various things you can do if your computer spews out printed paper full of unintelligible gibberish. These include:
a) Check you haven’t already printed the document in a drunken stupor and are now urinating all over the paper.
b) Fetch a day old cup of coffee and throw it over the CPU before giving it a kick.
c) Remove all the paper and watch the printer suffer in confusion while you laugh at it and enjoy its discombobulation.
The author recommends the third option. It is most satisfying.
5. Monitors can become afflicted with OCD. Should this be the case, wash it in the bathroom once every two minutes for a six month period. The problem should begin to disappear around the fifth year.
6. Throw a frozen computer monitor from a ten storey flat. If it kills a passer by, it will henceforth resume normal function.
7. The Microsoft Paperclip can be intrusive. To get him to hibernate, you must first enrol him in a mountaineering course at Abertay University. Once inter-railing in Eastern Asia, he will develop a kinship with the mountains and pursue a lifetime of solitude as a Buddhist monk. Remember to send him sandwiches and money every few weeks.
8. Ink cartridges last forever and do not need replacing.
9. Dell Pentium 4 CDROM drives are constructed from rare Moroccan kumquats. Should technical difficulties be experienced phone Ali Garcez Gobbell on 0123 615 515. Kumquats cost £239,999 a piece and the man who constructs the drives is dead.
10. Do not trust the instruction manual; it is translated from ancient Arabic.
11. If your machine crashes, phone the AA on 01615 1515 1551.
12. Do not insert fuel pumps into the USB port.
13. Computers can become infested with muck and dust. To prevent this, spray your machine with a hose twice daily. Make sure to get into the electrics with the water since grime often builds up in there.
14. Vampires and computers must not be placed in direct sunlight.
15. To prevent hackers from intercepting the ISBN port, invent and design a program that will prevent this. Once it is up and running and has passed a road test it might be safe.
16. Computers work better when the user is less stressed.
17. RSI is common among those who frequently use keyboards. To help prevent this, type for a few weeks with your toes. You might also wish to insert a pencil in your mouth and use the eraser to type.
18. Many people report their documents as being infested with a stream of nonsense. Microsoft advises the user not to fall asleep on the keyboard during typing.
19. When the LAN server refuses to connect a user, it should be sent home with two weeks suspension. Should it commit a similar offence, expel it from the building.
20. Animals should be prohibited from using the computer.
21. Those with an IQ below 70 should not use computers.
22. Women should not use computers.
23. IT trainers who specialise in C++ programming often malfunction. To prevent leakage, seal their eyes up with adhesive and pull their battery out at the mains.
24. There is a hidden cheat code that allows for the release of a mega virus that is a lot of fun to watch as it wipes out the internet. See our website www.exterminate.org for more information.
25. Internet firewalls can often let unsolicited material through and children can gain access to offensive images. To prevent this, make them learn all the swear words and show them pictures of nude people committing acts of lurid sex.
26. When using the chat room function, you may find nobody understands what you are saying. This is probably because you are using correct spellings.
27. It is impolite to use proper punctuation on the internet. Those who take time to check grammar will be sent to Dover on a mule while a teenager informs them to GTFA.
28. The internet is fickle and will never give you a straight answer. Do not waste time looking for a solution to a problem by searching him.
29. Never IM a goat.
30. Never IM a woman.
31. Whenever a document is lost through a Microsoft Works failure, this means someone on staff has stolen the work and is going to publish it for himself. To prevent this, execute the nearest Microsoft Works staff every couple of afternoons.
32. God is on MySpace. He currently has 5 billion friends. Do not IM him on weekdays.
33. Those who use false names on the internet are named Colin and work in HR. To lure them out, tempt them with Jaffa Cakes and Rich Tea finger creams. Then shoot them.
34. 90% of people on the internet are paedophiles. 10% are children. 30% of internet paedophiles are children. 100% of bananas are your friend.
35. To make a million dollars on the internet, start an online brothel. Take the cash from credit cards and before the punters arrive for their servicing, run to Mexico and live in a shack. Perhaps wed a chimp.
36. The internet is the cyber age’s security blanket. Cuddle your ISBN.
37. When the fuse in a plug blows replace it with the pinkie of a toddler or a slice of nectarine.
38. It is possible to pick a fight with the Queen over the internet, however, Microsoft does not condone fighting.
39. To decode a corrupted TEMP file (#1341 ~ BC) the user must first locate the AMP connector (stock number #52626) and insert it into a recallisthenics crank valve or a suitable port made from ramshackle electric nodules. Then invite a man named Jim to sing while it connects. Should no Jims be available, terminate the process.
40. A cup of tea can fix any problem with the internet, the computer, and everything else in life.
41. When you are constructing a document… j[jf[djdjdjdmod#[24434232332333]
#ERROR#
#ERROR#
#ERROR#
#ERROR#
#ERROR#
#ERROR#
#ERROR#
#ERROR#
BEGINNING PHYSICAL MEMORY DUMP. PHYSICAL MEMORY DUMP COMPLETE.
THE SYSTEM HAS RECOVERED FROM A SERIOUS ERROR. DO YOU WISH TO RESTART THE PROGRAM?
YOU HAVE SELECTED NO.
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joancrown reviewed Version 3 -
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Hey, #22…not funny! :) What’s weird for me is the way some tips are very realistic sounding and others, totally NOT… Maybe some revision to make it way over the top? I think the length is maybe the thing here. Or even instead of a list, some narration with “for instance” type examples. You could make it more like a how-to article spoof. Some of the numbers make me laugh out loud (#34), though, so I know you have an idea here that’s worth tending.
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00_Curious reviewed Version 3 -
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Yeah, that’s not bad. Some on there that would definitely not be out of place in a Dilbert book or similar. My personal favourites are 4c, 6, 14, 26, 27, 33, 34 and 37 – so if you revise this list at any point, I’d advise keeping those ones in, as they made me chuckle the most.
DCAllen reviewed Version 3 -
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As always, I am impressed by the breadth of your imagination.
Proofreading notes:
a) Check you haven’t already printed (I would insert “that” after Check) – but I laughed out loud at all three a, b, and c.
six month period. = six-month period
passer by = passerby
resume normal function = normal functioning?
7 is nice. I hate that damn paperclip. No, I don’t need help!
10 could be funnier (sorry)
13 the electrics? the electronics? into the works?
15 ISBN (intentionally the wrong abbrev.?)
18. during typing. (While technically OK because typing is a gerund, while typing would be better IMO because it eliminates the repetition of ing.)
two weeks suspension = weeks’ or a two-week suspension
32. Do not IM him = Him
36. Again ISBN. ISDN? Or something I don’t understand?
Brynn reviewed Version 3 -
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LOL well definitely a 10 on internet help for urbis!! AHAHA that was hilarious! I loved the blunt sarcasm, the obvious computer troubles from the author are easily detectable through the writing. I loved 4, 26, 31, 37…okay well all of them really.
Suggestions:23 says “pull their battery out at the mains.” Is that a british idiom? Mains? shouldnt it be “from the main…?” I might be wrong, just what I thought when I read it.
Also the end, while funny and annoyingly true, in my opinion; could be spiced up a bit. Maybe put something drastic that happens to your comp there. Well memory dump IS pretty drastic, but maybe add a few ( !!!!!! ) in there. Also something you could do even to help the “oh shit” feeling. Make the memory dump thing 2 lines.
BEGINNING PHYSICAL MEMORY DUMP.
PYSICAL MEMORY DUMP COMPLETE.
Then it becomes 2 solid different thoughts. Not much else, I could find no mistakes and have nothing bad to say about it! LOL well done, and I have a very good feeling I know who this is. I cant wait to read more=)
Eve
tstone reviewed Version 3 -
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i like this and feel it is funny, but could be trimmed down a bit. my suggestion would be to eliminate 15 or so. #35, for example, is funny but a bit forced and slows the reader down from getting to the good ones. (i saw no grammar problems.)
Rebecca_Reece reviewed Version 3 -
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Your list is incredibly funny, and would be great in a compilation book. It is funny enough that I am going to have my husband read it when he comes home tonight, and he will laugh probably harder than I am right now (which is pretty hard, in case you were wondering!)
I would bet, though, that you could render the list even more humorous if you could manage to eliminate about half a dozon or so. If it were the tiny-est bit shorter, there would be a sense of wanting more at the end; does that make sense? However, the end is fantastic! Don’t change that!
The best bits are:
“Remove all the paper and watch the printer suffer in confusion while you laugh at it and enjoy its discombobulation.”
“CDROM drives are constructed from rare Moroccan kumquats. Should technical difficulties be experienced phone Ali Garcez Gobbell on 0123 615 515. Kumquats cost £239,999 a piece and the man who constructs the drives is dead.”
“Computers work better when the user is less stressed.”
(along with 99% of the rest of them!) But #22 (and you had to know this was coming) is not true, in that my husband can mess up the workings of a NEW computer in 23 seconds flat, where I have been using the same one for 8 years and have never had a serious crash. ;o)
Thank you for the great laugh!
Cheers!
Rebecca Reece
arualsuga reviewed Version 3 -
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Ohhh that’s splendid.
I love the ending, too many times someone starts a a list and ends it as a list, tis much better to go mental at the end of every document!
Especially liked ” When using the chat room function, you may find nobody understands what you are saying. This is probably because you are using correct spellings.”
HILARIOUS!!! (tis now my msn name :P)
Thankyou for that, twas a great laugh :)
A_Alexander reviewed Version 3 -
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I thought that this was quite good. A little long and random perhaps but that is because it is a take on troubleshooting manuals I assume. Thanks for the laughs. not much to comment on overall. There were few grammatical and spelling errors so I don’t need to comment on that. All in all I liked it and I hope to read more of your work.
Thanks for sharing
A.Alexander
P.S my favourite bit was a toss up between the confused printer and the paperclip in Morocco/Tibet/wherever…. thanks
greenfinch reviewed Version 3 -
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This is hilarious, although long.
Loved the surprise ending.
I really don’t have any complaints about this, other than the length.
Great job.
Rikivan reviewed Version 3 -
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You got a giggle out of me. After fighting with my internet all morning, I truly related to this peice. You have a great carefree style of writing which is easy to read. I love #18, my all time favourite.
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