Sorry, I’m new to this site and still have on my training wheels. I have been assuming that strangers have full access to everything else I posted in connection with this story. I have posted the first six chapters and a few mini scenes. The dialogue is easy because the people are real. This scene is deep into the novel. I’m Derek in the book. I harbored a white runaway(Megan) who sneakily got a job, stole something on the way to work and got busted. She was placed in a maximum security juvenile center. Three black men (myself and two teenagers) were planning to break her out on a Friday night because her case was scheduled for trial on Monday and we felt she would not be released again to her parents’ custody. Bad things were happening at the center and this girl was way too sweet. We couldn’t leave her there. Redneck Gardner who was usually welcome at the party house knocked while we were planning our secret mission. Thanks for the advice about adding background details to the review section. Thank you for your interest.
Novel Treatments / RENDEZVOUS WITH A RUNAWAY: Mini Scene
That evening, while Derek, Bobby and Junior were planning Megan’s jailbreak, someone tapped at the back door.
Bobby slid the glass. “Not a good time, man. Check back tomorrow.”
Gardner laughed his high-pitched you don’t really mean that laugh, and tried pushing a leg past Bobby. He stuck an arm, then his head, over Bobby’s shoulder. His voice was a mixture of hurt and belligerence. ”Aw come on, bro. I gave up some good booty to come over here.”
Bobby bucked his head, and pointed for Gardner to leave.
Instead, his red cap protruded further into the den, his eyes laughing at the others. ”Oh, I get it—Tonight, it’s just you and the bros.”
Junior stood with his back against the bar, arms folded across his chest, shaking his head and frowning at Derek. Derek sat on the edge of his seat, waiting. This was Bobby’s house.
“I’m serious,” Bobby said. ”You hard of hearing or just plain dumb?”
“Hell, I’m already in here now. I’ll leave after I get high.”
Bobby shoved Gardner with both hands, the two fell through the curtains, and somebody hit the ground. Derek hauled to the sliding door.
Outside, Gardner was brushing himself off, sucking his gut, squaring his shoulders, catching his breath. Under the dim moon of the backyard light, his eyes were glossy and deep.
“Don’t push me no more, bro.” His voice sounded jittery. ”I don’t want to fight. But don’t push me. I ain’t one of your pawns.”
“You ain’t no bro,” Bobby said and stepped forward. ”Never come in my house if I don’t tell you to. Next time I’ll deck you.”
Derek jumped between them. ”Quit. You’ll wake the neighbors. Gardner, you’re not missing anything. Just come back tomorrow. Call tomorrow. Okay?”
Gardner removed his red plaid cap, shook his hair like a wet dog, and pulled his cap on tight. ”Okay, Greazy. I can do that. It’s okay. We’re cool. I’m leaving. We’re cool.”
As the red cap disappeared beyond the fence, Bobby reached inside the den and flashed the porch light. ”Man, fuck the neighbors. And fuck white people.” His eyes landed on Derek. ”And fuck helping you-know-who.”
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
This was a pleasure to read; good grammar, clear thoughts, a real treat.
My only difficulty was that the characters came at me so fast and with no fleshing out that I had trouble keeping them apart. Do a little more defining, even if it’s just a knitted cap or a hair style, something that gives body and character to each character, something that lets us see them as you see them, something personal that you see in them. Thsi is better than your last piece.
- add/view comments (0)
Bit too short an excerpt to make much of a judgement really – the dialogue seemed reasonably well executed but given the brevity of the piece I had no real notion of who these people were, where they were or what was going on. I’d suggest giving us a bit more to go on, even your notes could give some background info on the story which would help reviewers be more constructive.
Showing 1 - 2 of 2
Review item
Add to faves
GENERAL
REVIEW QUEUE
Ratings & Rankings
