Action Adventure / Jester
High on the roof of a book store a lovely, dark skin woman looked amongst the half finished bookshelves and gave a sigh. Donning a black vest over her white dress shirt she placed her hands on her hips. Her black jeans hugged her body and matched her combat boots. Taking her glasses off she rolled her marble brown eyes, “Jester said he would get to these shelves before he left for New York.”
As she was about to bend down to try and put one together she noticed that the wind changed, “Makoto, what are you doing here. Looking for a book?”
Turning round the bookkeeper spotted a women walking up to her. Donning a white out fit with matching bellbottoms was a brunet with soft green eyes. A rose design sat on the left side of her outfit that trailed down her leg. Strapped to her back was a two foot long sword. With a white collar around her neck Makoto looked at the bookkeeper with distain, “Where’s Jester, Razine?”
Knowing exactly who Makoto was and her background Razine knew that telling her the truth wouldn’t help Jester or Victoria, “Don’t know.”
“One of the world’s greatest alchemists is spotted dealing with Vampires after the whole world believed him dead for two years, and his closest servant doesn’t know where he is. Somehow I don’t believe a lying fat cow, like you.”
“Watch your little mouth simulack sucker,” Razine warned, “Just because your father leads the Dragon House doesn’t mean I’m going to bow down for you. I am Razine Rose!”
Razine was becoming angry and her rage began to show as her eyes began glowing white. Scratching her head, Makoto knew this was only going to end one, way and it wasn’t going to get her what she wanted. Calming herself Makoto confessed, “Listen, You know that the Vampire Council signed a treaty with the Dragon house. We don’t hunt them and they don’t turn any human on American soil into a vampire. That was the deal and we know that last week at Club Spade a girl was left for dead. We also know that Jester was at Club Spade dealing with the vampires. I don’t have anything suggesting Jester has the girl, but I need to hear what he was doing with the vampires and if he knows where the girl’s body disappeared to. Razine I want to help Jester.”
Razine was unaffected. Makoto had said these same words before back when they were both younger. It was because of her wanting to help and Razine being gullible that Jester never showed his bare back. That horrible had always haunted Razine and it was more than enough to make her not trust Makoto. Razine also knew that the Dragon House wasn’t big on forgiving people who had fallen out of their favor. Then of course there was Victoria to consider. She was a normal girl a week ago and now as she finally stop having nightmares of the attack the Dragon House would use her to mount a full on war with the vampires. Every street would be bathed in blood with two super powers colliding like this. The only way to get rid of Makoto until Jester could return and give orders was to get Makoto into fight. It would be an ugly fight as the two were now about equal in skill, but Makoto had a knee that hadn’t really healed right. Pressing Makoto’s buttons Razine snapped, “You want to help him or do you simply want to help yourself to him. I would applaud you for waiting two years for the man to grieve his wife, but that was only because our world thought that the Jester Clan was wiped out.”
This was a serious slap in Makoto and losing her composure, Makoto fell into Razine’s trap. Tears in her eyes Makoto roared, “You think I didn’t love him? For those two years I died. Every day I felt nothing because I believed the only man I’d ever loved was dead. Even if our father didn’t arrange for us to wed I would have loved him all the same.”
“Funny you mention that,” Razine said, now reeling in her prize, “Why am I not surprise you bring up your arranged marriage. All of you from the Dragon House ever think of is power. Every creature from our world feared the idea of Dragon and Jester blood mixing. The Dragon House would have no rival with access to the Jester Vault. You are just like your father, power mad.”
“I loved him,” Makoto said as she drew her weapon, “If I didn’t his last words to me would have never hurt me, but I’ve decided since you brought me back o that that I’ll give you a small fraction of that pain you unfeeling hag!”
Before Makoto could attack, something caught both women’s attention. Crawling over the side of the book store was a black spider the size of a German Sheppard. It wasn’t long before the two women were surrounded. The black demons, once assembled, launch themselves at the two girls. Residing on the handle of Makoto’s sword was a green jewel button. Pressing it her sword fell into seven fragments, held by a metal wire. Laughing she swung her whip like sword all around her, slicing through the spiders like paper. Slicing through the last one she pressed the button once more and retracted the bladed whip back into a sword. Looking over her shoulder she spotted that a large mound of spiders sat over the spot that Razine was moments ago.
As a pool of blood began to puddle around the mound the spiders stopped moving. Suddenly a slender leg emerged from the mound. The leg was entirely black, as if wrapped in a void of nothingness. A woman shaped figure soon followed, just like the leg the form was engulfed in darkness. Only two white glowing eyes could be seen on the figure. Rolling her eyes Makoto spoke, “Still using that tired ninja trick and those crappy weapons.”
Shaking herself the black void fell off Razine like steam from a pot of boiling water. With her three prong knife in hand she reholstered it in her vest. In the back of her mine Razine regretted that she had to abandon its mate back on that trip to Israel. Glancing at Makoto Razine said, “It’s called Shadow Ninjutsu and my sai is anything but crappy.”
“Not bad,” Said a booming voice. Following it the two girls spotted a man built like a fridge and a red haired women standing on the adjacent build one story taller than the bookstore. Makoto knew who they were instantly while Razine only knew that they were not human. Smiling a wicked smile the woman was quickly joined by more spiders as she placed herself inside her large razor ring.
Makoto turned to Razine, “Razine that’s Spinneret and her husband Cesar. They are really strong Summon Demons. They must have been sent by the Vampire Council to interfere in my investigation. We won’t survive this unless we work together.”
Biting her bottom lip Razine knew that the real battle was about to begin.
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I enjoyed reading this, it seems like you have a really good plot in mind, and I really think it would make a great story. Your characters are interesting, and you seem to have a clear idea of who they are and what you want them to do, that is a great start.
As far as pace goes it feels a little rushed, you have a lot to work with here, yet it feels like you are flashing right through it. Slow down and take some time to really flesh out Razine and Makoto’s physical apperance, their mood, their surroundings. You want the reader to have a very clear picture in their mind of who they are reading about.
There are a few minor punctuation errors and some grammar issues. It seems a little choppy, a lot of the sentences are short and don’t really say much. Try stretching out some of your descriptions and combining some sentences.
“Looking to move new bookshelf”
Should be ‘Looking to move a new bookshelf’
“Wish I knew?”
You probably want a period instead of a question mark since this is a statement and not a question.
“Razine could see strapped behind Makoto’s back was a sword of at least two feet long”
The structure here is wrong, you might want to try rewording it:
‘Razine could see a sword strapped behind Makoto’s back. It was at least two feet long….’
“Sitting inside of a razor hoop” What does that mean? Is the woman in the hoop or is the spider? Is the hoop suspended in air? How is she sitting in it and why?
I think this has a lot of potential, you seem to be in control of your story. Now just take some time to slow down and really flesh it out. You are off to a fantastic start, I have no doubt that this will be a great read!
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Very interesting read, not much of a Si-Fi fan myself, but I quite liked this
Very well done the grammatical errors could be fixed, though. I think that the character.. Razine is a well played out formed character, you’re description of the entire setup was in-depth. Although some of the characters sound like I’ve seen them in a video game or something. Other than that, the plot was consistent and interesting, the action was good and intriguing, and over all great composition.
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The action flows well and character development is smooth. Kudos to you.
Let me be honest with my own bias, fellow writer. I am not usually a sci-fi fan because the genre has been beat to death by so many pretenders. You’re not one of them, but perhaps you understand where I’m coming from?
And for some reason, Sci-Fi to me needs to have a kind of Orwellian dystopia component in which what is described in the text could really happen in reality. So be aware of that. That isn’t a criticism of you, just letting you know that this isn’t my cup of tea usually. You have your own bias, I’m sure.
My first thought upon reading your opening sentence was, “Why is this woman on the roof of a bookstore?” And my next thought was, “What’s a half-finished bookshelf?” Your first sentence can have elements that make the reader ask themselves questions. That’s fine. But the answers to these need to be immediate. Instead of explaining the reasons for her situation, you go into overloading details as to what she looks like. And another question: “Why is she sighing?” She then groans and it’s somewhat stated that her reasons for being “blah” are because of someone named Jester. In my humble opinion, there’s just too much going on in your first paragraph.
Spelling errors: distain – disdain, brunet – brunette.
“Her Asian features mixed well with her Caucasian ones.” This is a classic example of “telling, not showing.” What about her features? Was it the way her nose pointed? Was it a small mouth with teeth that seemed to big for it?
“This was a serious slap in Makoto face and losing her composure, Makoto fell into Razine’s trap.” Slap in the face is pretty much a cliche – Avoid these as much as possible. Also I think you’re putting too much energy into telling the reader what is happening. “Makoto was losing her composure…”What did she look like? Show the reader. Describe Makoto’s face becoming flushed or Makoto sneering as she puts her hands on her sword. Do you see what I’m getting at here?
Please don’t be discouraged by what I’ve said here. I’m not saying that you’re a bad writer, but you definitely need keep working on it (and reading!) to get better. Check out Stephen King’s “On Writing”. That’s a really good place to start for aspiring writers. If you have any questions feel free to email me. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.
-Curt
I think the introduction needs to be worked on a little. The reader is thrown so much descriptive information about the woman on the roof that it all seems to be a little too much. It almost reads like a shopping list more than a description of a person.
The characters are still a little thin, too. There’s nothing much that makes me like either of them. Again there’s a lot of information thrown in very quickly about the both of them, and it would probably be better to lengthen he scene and allow it to develop more organically.
The atack from the spiders was abrupt and seemed to come from nowhere. Also, there were a few small things that stood out like the ‘stench getting worse’ when the stench had not been previously mentioned. Maybe throw in a strange smell a little earlier in the piece and have it worsen just before they attack.
There are also a few errors in typing/spelling through the piece, such as:
“dark skin” – “dark skinned”
“German Sheppard” – “German Shepherd”
Despite all this, there is definite potential in your writing. I think that you need to try to take longer over developing things, and mixing what you do. By that I mean don’t do ‘Block of description’, ‘Block of dialogue’, ‘Block of fighting’. Try to mix them, and you could end up with some good results.
I Really felt like i could see what was happening in this story! Exspecially in the begining the words were so descriptive. I really enjoyed this alot.
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