Thanks, I think I will just stick to regular poetry. I don’t think developing a strong suit as a humorist would be that relevant.
Their is no luck, only editing.
Limericks / Two Limericks
My favorite season of the year is the summer, here is a poem I wrote about it.
In the Summer Time
I love to lay on the beach in the sand,
Sometimes I love to wipe my butt with my hand.
When I was young I remember wondering what it would be like to grow older, this is a poem about that wondering.
Growing Older
When I was young I wondered what it would be like to grow older,
Then I saw a bird take a crap on someone’s shoulder.
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Brynn reviewed Version 1 -
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Hahaha, yes I laughed, at the first one anyways. BUT neither one of these are considered limericks, and would probably sound very good as limericks, although you would need to add a few lines to each one.
The second was funny in a “shit happens” way…like getting old..it just happens=)
Suggestions:
the second line of the first poem is a bit long in syllables. Maybe try taking out “love to” again, or “sometimes.”
Second poem: Comma after “young.”
Other than that I couldnt find much. Again though, not limerick, dont post in limerick category. Still funny though. Keep trying,
Eve
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rekidder reviewed Version 1 -
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I think I see a few layers of humor being attempted here, but I really don’t find them funny. I try to imagine any adult delivering these lines for a laugh, but I just don’t see it working…in any crowd.
LUFCRACE reviewed Version 1 -
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No I didn’t laugh out loud. But those aren’t really things I would find funny necessarily. They are amusing in their own way, but not to me laugh out loud-able.
Other people will probably say this, but are these strictly speaking limericks? I thought limericks had to be five lines, with the first and second and fifth lines rhyming, then the third and fourth.
Both poems while being good starts, feel as if they should not stop, but continue and say more. Perhaps this is because of the limerick style, without the full limerick form (the other three lines.)
I also feel there are too many words in both of the second lines. They don’t flow that well to me.
Worth working on though. Well done.
joancrown reviewed Version 1 -
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Two couplets meant for immediate laughter… ok, maybe some shock value, but funny, not really. Not to me, anyway. What I think about #1 is that it just doesn’t go together. I mean, a couplet is a couple, right, they rhyme. But don’t they have to complement one another, as a unit, as well? So laying in the sand, and thematically, a poem about how much you like summer, just doesn’t segue to wiping your butt w/ your hand. At least with the second, there’s some cause effect. Young kids are wonderers by nature, so it follows that your attention would be taken by the shitting bird. At least it makes sense. But again, funny? Not so much, I’m afraid. Plus, you advertise two limericks; I’m no expert, but I don’t think these fit the criterion. If you want to write humorous poetry, you should read some Shel Silverstein. And I don’t necessarily mean his kid stuff, though that is right funny. Back in the 70s, he wrote some WICKED FUNNY adult poetry (even did a spoken word album or two) and it rhymed, but it also had cadence… sounded good when read aloud, and made sense. You can write a poetic story, be funny, entertain people, etc. Check it out. It would be a great model for you. I mean, write a poem about wiping your butt with your hand… and in the summer, when you get the beach goers sandy ass, ouch. You could have a funny poem there. It’s just had to do in two lines. Good luck to you.
eemer101 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is quite amusing, it reminds me of a Terry Pratchett-esque humour. hehe. I mean, technically the poems are not very sophisticated but neither are butts and bird poo so it works eh? very noice. :D
Frogking reviewed Version 1 -
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Pointless and gross, but funny. I felt it didn’t have the meter needed to keep the flow of a limerick. 9-9-6-9 etc. sylables needed in each line.
Autie reviewed Version 1 -
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...err…
Well it is like reading a comedian, one tender of years. I think the idea and passion is in the right place but the chosen pictures fail to amuse or say something grand or interesting about you. I think a limerick or any other writing needs one thing, and only one; a creative unique mind. Sad to say these two limericks are nowhere near the ranks of a poet or intriguing mind. i say back to the drawing board I want to read your deepest darkest thoughts and ideas and I’m sure you’ll find something unique you can say.
Keep the passion alive!
Autie
welder reviewed Version 1 -
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It made me smile. You shouldnt need to explain so much. It works or it doesn’t.
Good luck.
welder
greenfinch reviewed Version 1 -
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The first line of both your limericks are good--—they reflect the title and what you’ve written about them--—but the second lines have nothing to do with the first ones.
Also, a limerick consists of 5 lines---- with the rhyme scheme “a-a-b-b-a.” Your limericks have only two lines, and those would go under the poetry section, as a poem with the rhyme scheme “a-a” is a couplet. Because of this I had to rate you low in the limericks category..
Now I notice you said in the notes for reviewers box that you stated that they were couplets—--they definitely should have gone in the poem section, or humor/satire. Also, the notes you wrote about the poems (“My favorite season of the year is the summer, here is a poem I wrote about it.” and “When I was young I remember wondering what it would be like to grow older, this is a poem about that wondering.”) should have also gone in the reviewer notes section--—the text box is just for the actual writing.
I’m sure you could improve a lot by adding in lines for your limericks.
dcrelatives reviewed Version 1 -
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IT HAD HUMOR BUT WAS NOT REAL FUNNY THE PART ABOUT WIPING YOUR BUTT WITH YOUR HAND KIND OF TOOK FROM IT. BUT I GOT YOUR POINT ABOUT BEING OLDER.
BIRDS DROP CRAP ANY WHERE NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE OLDER AND YOU DID NOT SAY THAT
PERSON WAS OLD OR NOT WHEN THE BIRD TOOK A CRAP ON SOMEONE’S SHOULDER.
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