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Humor/Satire / What Guys Fear in Bed
If women think that guys have easy lives they are wrong. There are no easy things in bed. Guys encounter both women and their own fears. You can kill men but they will never talk about those fears.
“To approach or not to approach?” this is the question.
While sipping wine with a beautiful temptress, a thought about getting her into bed inevitably crosses a guy’s mind. But what if she refuses? It will be a big blow to the guy’s ego equal to the explosion of a hydrogen bomb. On the other hand, if you don’t approach the girl, nothing will happen.
“Will she shag me or not?” this is the question that tortures contemporary guys. This question is no less tragic than that of Hamlet who contemplated it with a scull in his hand. Instead of a scull, contemporary men usually hold a large mug of beer or a vodka bottle. So, it is not surprising that most fall asleep without doing anything. Next morning they regret: yesterday they saw a beautiful gal but today she’s not here.
A nightmarish vest
From my early age, I knew that most terrible things are those which usually seem innocent. For instance, a milk soup with buckwheat; it looks great but when you need to eat, it is disgusting.
A vest is like this soup; it looks innocent, but guys are afraid of it more than they fear Bin Laden, Michael Jackson and Adolf Hitler together. When the process of undressing starts and you take off your T-shirt and look at him encouragingly: damn, you must help him take off his vest! Nine of ten men would spend all night doing it if you didn’t help them.
Isn’t this terrible? And no training will help it. If you learn to unbutton one kind of vests you will fail with another since no buckle is the same. For instance, power outlets or plugs are similar in every house, so you cannot make mistakes with them. Why couldn’t buckles be the same on every vest? The humankind agreed on the decimal notation; the European Union managed to impose euro but we still don’t have a universal standard of a vest buckle. I think it is not an accident: it is designed to spite and torture poor men.
How I look naked
There’s no guy who have not stood half-naked in front of a mirror once or twice in his life and imagined that he was a Rambo. But a girl isn’t a mirror that can endure everything. So, you cannot be certain whether she will see an Apollo in you when you take off your clothes.
That’s why we always use some tricks: we take our clothes off when we lie on a girl (from this distance, it is difficult to see the general picture). Besides, I am sure that during their first love making, half of the guys would want to make their girls shortsighted.
Difficult miner’s work
After all this, a guy must be really strong and work like a miner.
But it isn’t the worst thing. Guys fear most for their “little friend” that sometimes is as unreliable as Soviet technology. It can break down at any moment. What is one to do then? And if a girl in bed shivers, it doesn’t mean that she’s orgasmic. No! And she doesn’t cry. She tries not to laugh aloud. This moment equals the explosion of ten hydrogen bombs.
And even if your “little friend” doesn’t betray you, you can never be sure whether your work is not in vain. How do you know if a woman’s orgasm isn’t faked? Imagine a worker who had been digging the trench all day but in the evening his superior told him that he had been digging in the wrong direction. So, if next morning your guy will see you reading an article entitled “10 ways to fake an orgasm” it will equal the explosion of twenty hydrogen bombs. It is enough to start a long nuclear winter in your relationship.
Rapolas Rakalas overwhelmed by fears (rakalas@yahoo.com)
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artofstocks reviewed Version 1 -
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retardedpigeon reviewed Version 1 -
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i liked the idea. But i was confused as to who was doing the talking “we take our clothes off when we lie on a girl” was the line that threw me. However, i did find the whole piece mildly amusing but its not really an original subject to pick fault with.
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metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 1 -
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The line about contemporary men holding liquor instead of skulls and this leading to unconsciousness instead of sex was brilliant. However, in Hamlet’s speach, he wasn’t talking about a potential lover.
The sentences “And if a girl… she tries not to laugh aloud.” Just sort of don’t make any sense. Are you saying that if the girl shivers she could be trying to prevent herself from laughing? It could probably be condensed into one, clearer sentence.
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