Poetry / Emily
chemical coated plastic, 35mm in width, nothing else
clutches, desperate, at fleeting momentary snaps of time
the small of a back, a gentle ripple of velvet hair
a perfect moment
immortalised
blacks and whites and tones and lines and shapes
aesthetic candy
cannot bring back her
ardent vivid relentless smile
and the honey-flowing words it shaped
eyes radiant, ablaze with youth
pirouttes and jetés barefoot atop cool grass
she was alive as the burning spring air
almost bioluminescent
I, mortal
could only observe the magic,
breathe in her infectious beauty
the dull weight of a camera in my hand grounded me
stealing glimpses of her with a single lens reflex
I danced the routine I know
twisting around her, finding the best angle
‘stand there, the light is perfect on your face’
my choreography is clumsy
the result a cheap imitation of forever.
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Oh my goodness, I LOVE THIS POEM! If the author is also the photographer, then such versitle talents those hands and eyes possess. The only thing I would look at is maybe:
S3/L1:”blacks and whites and tones and lines and shapes” its such a long sentence and a Chop-chop meter might do this justice:...
“blacks and whites
Tones
Lines
Shapes
aesthetic candy
cannot bring back her
ardent vivid relentless smile
and the honey-flowing words it shaped
eyes radiant, ablaze with youth
pirouttes and jetés barefoot atop cool grass
she was alive as the burning spring air
almost bioluminescent”.
...Just a suggestion, but the poem has brilliant description and flowing meter as it is. And you paint such a clear and living picture of this photo shoot, while keeping the “focus” on the unimportance of this observer, compared to that which he/she observes. Brilliant.Beautiful.Vibrant. And your only 17?
This is a publishable piece.
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This piece does what I think a poem should do—it brought me into this moment. You used some great images in this piece and the ending worked for me “a cheap imitation of forever”...I totally get it! So you probably could have left out the two lines “a perfect moment, immortalized”...just not needed because you made this reader feel that so it can go unsaid.
You are apparently more of a poet than you give yourself credit for – because this is really solid work.
The insistence of this piece that the photograph is a “cheap imitation of forever” is a topic that asks the reader to question their own mortality. Some of the wording is a little flowery (in the third stanza specifically) but it does lend itself to the whimsy of the moment and stark realization that it’s temporary. I might consider leaving the period off and just letting this one be unrestricted by punctuation completely.
You have some amazing images in this piece! You create a scene and a world that the reader can inhabit.
I do have a few suggestions though. Because the imagery is so strong, the rest of the elements you have chosen kind of struggle to live up to that.
“a perfect moment/immortalized” – that line took away from the beautiful descriptions in the first stanza. If you have to explicitly tell the reader that a perfect moment is being immortalized, then that usually means that the images can’t stand on their own – which is not the case here. I think you can let the images speak what you are trying to communicate and leave out the repetitious retelling of what you’ve already gotten across through the words you’re painting with.
The last line is the perfect way to describe a picture.
this was a great read. I’m really impressed – especially because you’re 17. you’ve got natural skill and with a revision, this has the potential to be a really great piece.
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