Lyrics / Four Rooms

A good song with some great imagery. My favorite is the second rooms with “antiquated shrines.” If I were to revise this, I would break up the overall structure. I would think of the reader as a traveler whom you take from one room to another, rather than a very colorful bullet list. As it stands, I feel as if you’ve somehow given away the ending.

The use of “rooms” seems to me here to be talking about various stages of the psyche. It is a very interesting piece that could be put to music, of almost any style. A dream world is usually the best place to be to keep one from being overloaded by reality, so why not have several (in this case four) “other” rooms to leave feelings and disperse things in different places, making things, in general, easier to deal with. Very nicely done piece here.

I really like the meaning of your lyrics.

It looks interesting and would like to hear it spoken sometime.  It was interesting about the 4 rooms also.  

Good job! I like this piece overall. There are a few things that gave me pause. Such as what was in the third room. It seemed every room contained negative things, besides the fourth. Other than that I enjoyed the lyrics. I’d be curious as to how you’d put this to music. What would the chorus be? Thanks for the read.
mm_storyteller

I’m actually having a hard time “hearing” this as lyrics – with the various weapons and hazzards listed, this lends itself to music that is probably way heavier then what I would generally listen to.  But that said, the theme is well suited for that style of music, assuming I’m correct in assigning this a genre.

The second verse has a rhyme scheme that is different the rest – they all seem to have at least forced rhymes for all 4 lines.  Could you consider either breaking the others up or conforming this to the same structure?  I think it’d help the flow.

I liked the song. Metrically I had some trouble with it.  
For example in this line:
Love is almost alien here because there’s so desolation and decay.
Would have made more sense to me the reader as:
Love is almost alien here because there’s so much desolation and decay.

The idea of four rooms is a cool one. I have often thought we lead multiple lives given our multiple career, friend, location, interests, changes. A room for each one is an interesting angle as well.

Good stuff.

Keep it up.

Carl

I love this piece and the contrast with all the different rooms. The rooms are metaphors for the problems are obstacles that one encounters in life. I am the third roomand all the insecurities that comes with it. I love this piece.

• add/view comments (1)

February 18, 2008

by JIOden

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
53	92.0% (25 votes)	74.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
38	F	Tucson, AZ	May 24

Yippee Skippy! I am so glad someone understood the real main theme of each room. being hurt by others and the difficulty this causes each individual as they withdraw was the precise meaning of my thinking when I wrote this piece.  Thanks so much for your review! JIO

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

hi there,

i like the way you use the 4 rooms to divide up your life and i like the lines/is ur vault with ur cherish memories and the it being your sanctuary from reality/which can be overwhelming, i’m not crazy about the first 2 rooms though in all honesty, a little to steven king for a song..:)..but in general,nice job,jim

Drop the periods at the end of each line and substitute other or no punctuation marks, there should be no more than three periods in every ten lines of poetry and that is still a lot.

   The idea of having “Four Rooms” four directions, N, S, E, W, is a very good idea.  The ideas in this poem need development.  Try using metaphor every four lines, then a simile, then an emotional statement that doesn’t describe emotions, but does describe circumstance.
  
    First person poems are very hard to get published, as most editors think of the magazines and journals they edit as being just for the people who buy and subscribe to them.  No one wants to feel alone and “I” is an alone statement that readers will not want to identify with.  

   Very good imagery, very good idea about the rooms, make each room fantastic, lively in the expression of each emotion, one could feel like a foreign film, and another like science fiction, but all the rooms should stay in the same house for understandable context.  
  
   Don’t try to explain what you are feeling, try to explain what you are feeling by using elements of language that are indirect or interpretive, words that give the reader a feeling, the feeling to read the work again.

   Keep writing, I can tell you have the beginnings of good poet.