Poetry / Spark of Turth

It took me quite a few lines to understand what the subject was.  Yet, considering it is poetry, it’s a victory that the subject WAS understood, especially in such short format.

In the line ‘The love behind them replaced.’, on the second reading, I found myself wondering what the love was replaced with.  Perhaps there is a word that could be used instead of ‘replaced’ that better stands alone?

In the line ‘Yet, that would pierce my heart deeper’, ‘pierce’ doesn’t seem the correct word choice.  Pierce is an active verb requiring a doer – i.e. the antagonist pierced the author with their eyes.  The whole paragraph is passive, however.  The antagonist is not in it.

The line ‘Your words grace with tolerance.’ I felt the idea of the antagonist’s words being mere superficialities, in contrast to the line before it and in accordance with the rest of the poem, that makes sense, but the wording also feels off and it was hard to work out this meaning.  Put like this my first inclination was to read that the author was ‘graced with’ the tolerant words of the antagonist.  This is completely the opposite idea put forth in line 5 and doesn’t jive with the whole tone of the poem.  It also contradicts line 2 which, right off the bat, denies the existence of ANY grace in the antagonist.

I also felt that this grace line, with the one before it, were their own idea separate from the ‘Fly’ line that follows.  A paragraph break may help that.  I definitely felt ‘Fly’ struct the tone that carried through to the end of the piece and shouldn’t be huddled in the middle of a paragraph.

Word choice and formating are very critical in poetry where word economy is important.  This can polish up very nicely!

Nice language, but not too deep. Great literal stance with some hidden meaning, probably something personal or not, still holds strength.

Tis is pretty good. It’s got a nice flow and rhythm. I will definitely read more of your work.

Very good
well written
all the ideas are pieced together well
nothing wrong with it
sums up the pain of truth

Typo in title?  Spark of TRUTH?

I like the hyphenated adjective…..empty-hallow
and the phrase “words graced with tolerance”  good wording.

How is the love “conditional”?  What has happened to make the love this way?  What actions has she taken to hurt you?  There is a lack of imagery in the poem that makes it hard to read and understand.  Try adding some images you can draw to the poem to add debth and concretemeaning, for example, instead of saying “I’m mad” say “I’m a red whirwind crashing into our bedroom.”  See?

i feel your pain and angst in this piece.  i like the last line, imploring a glimmer of hope to a weary heart.

So here’s the deal, I get the meaning and I have sympathy for it. However I don’t really feel like this could be anything other than a stepping stone for your path to better writing. So it’s GOOD news (sort of.) Tell me something, is there a deeper feeling or plot here in this relationship? A detail that you could use to make this personal while also allowing it to stand out from all those other “If you would just tell me what’s wrong” poems? I like this work, I just feel like if you twist your own knife you could get some real emmotional juice spilling.

It warmed my heart to read into your soul…  What an amazing way you have with words…  Please continue your writing your poetry moves me to think more of what I will write in my little bit of space…  Thank you…

“Your works spoken are empty-hollow-” I think you meant “words,” not “works.”

“In my mind you words don’t exist” – You should be your.

“Hoping to be welcomed/Desiring for acceptance” – Perhaps “I desire your acceptance” would work better on the last part. You can’t really be desiring acceptance; desire is its own emotion, meaning you want, and true you can want acceptance, but the grammar doesn’t work in this case.

Overall a good poem. The underlying tone of sadness is very strong, although hopless love might describe that better. Our narrator is obviously suffering from “a failure to communicate” with his/her lover, a very easy theme to relate to. Simple grammatical errors exist, but they’re easily fixed and don’t derail my focus. Nice piece.