Horror / preminition

His eye lids began to droop. “Have to stay awake” He told himself, “have to”. He moved around, pinched his body, anything to keep himself up. But still his eyes lids continued to drop, lower and lower, until he saw no more.

        In his dream a woman was standing over him. He was lying on the ground, looking up into her hollow eyes. Lighting flashed, eliminating her tattered and blood soaked dress. A large object was sticking out from her body.
        Jack came awake screaming. He was breathing fast, his forehead sweaty. He gave out a sigh of relief: it was just a dream.
        He swore when he saw the car clock. 9:15, Susan was already on her way home.

        He pulled onto the highway. There was Susan’s car. He dropped in behind her
Jack snatched up his cell phone. Quickly he dialed in Susan’s number and hit call. The display came up again: low batteries. He cursed. He chucked the phone onto the seat next to him.
He glanced down at the car’s clock: 9:20. He could still prevent it, there was still time. He saw her overhead light come on. She was making a call on her cell phone.  Jack changed lanes and pulled alongside Susan’s car.
        His cell phone rang. That startled Jack. He reached for it and flipped it open. There was no call; that was odd. Then his eyes locked onto the time display. It read 9:30.
        His car hit a sheet of ice. The tiers swerved to the right. Both cars collided.  

Jack slowly opened his eyes. His head was spinning, his hair wet and sticky. Most of the contents of the car had wound up on the roof. He could even see the grass through the shattered remains of his windshield.  Then he realized he was upside down
He tried his seat belt but found it jammed. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pocket knife. He cut through his seat belt and fell to the roof. Pain shot through him and he cursed himself. Then he crawled through the windshield and into open ground.
A form stood before him. He couldn’t make out the face in the dark but he guessed who it was.
“Susan? Are you alright? Thank god”.
Then lightning flashed and lit up the person in front of him. He gasped in horror.
        It was Susan, or at least what should have been Susan. Her head was twisted at an odd angle. The eyes where hallow and empty. Her tattered dress was covered in blood. A large piece of metal protruded from her abdomen.
In her hand, a cell phone began to ring. She held the phone up to her head and answered it on the third ring. The only thing that had not changed was her voice, just the way he remembered it.
“Hay jack, what do you want?”
He realized she was answering his call, right after he got her message.
        “What happened? Are you alright?” Jack heard his own voice on the other end.
        “Want do you mean what happened? Of course I’m alright” Susan answered her lips not moving.
        “You just called me, didn’t you? You got run off the road” Jack said on the other end.
        “No, I’m here at work” just to the left lay her car, a crumpled mess. “Listen, if this isn’t really important, I really need to go. My boss isn’t happy with me talking on cell phones while I’m at work”. Jack wanted to cry out, tell himself on the other end what had happened. He tried to open his mouth but nothing came out.
“Call you when I get home at 10:00”. Susan shut the phone and her dead body collapsed to the ground in a heap.

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BAMBI avatar General Stranger

April 24, 2008

BAMBI

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BAMBI reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

At first i wasn’t really expecting much from a generic name like Jack, but the story picked up for me personally when Susan picked up the phone with a piece of metal piercing her abdomen…very weird. Aside from a few grammar mistakes the story was rather good, but i would change the name from Jack to something a little more interesting…....just dont you dare make it Bob!

Jamie_Rocks avatar General Stranger

April 23, 2008

Jamie_Rocks

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Jamie_Rocks reviewed Version 1 - Read 33% of the Item
This 88 word review has not been unlocked.
Weaver avatar General Stranger

March 22, 2008

Weaver

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Weaver reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item
This 364 word review has not been unlocked.
Fenvy avatar General Stranger

February 29, 2008

Fenvy

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats
Fenvy reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Okay, this has potential.  It has a great theme.  At the moment I feel that you’re just telling the story with not enough descriptive moments which is crucial when you’re writing a horror novel.  Honestly, the beginning needed a description of how the night was, the ambience.  It did set the mood, and your final scene when Susan gets up and starts talking is STRIKING, I did get a little freaked.  The thing about characters is that you have to take the time to introduce them, you just introduced two characters out of the blue.  Set the mood first, would love to see something about Jack as a boy like he had the gift but never embraced it and this was a scene from using it for personal gain, or w/e.  Also, the car crash could be described so much better.  This is probably a first draft.  Think of the sounds, how the cars looked like when they skid on the ice.  I really recommend doing a little more research before you continue with anything else.  How do people with premonitions react to when they first find out they have this.  Is it always shocking or does it just happen?  What is so special about this phenonmena.  So, work on description it is a writers duty to give every detail…sometimes because the reader can get lost.  Good luck, hope this helped.

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badwriter

Age: 19
Loc: Albany, OR
Gen: M
Last Login: January 05
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