lol. I really would buy the book though. You really should keep writing.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Winds Of Change Ch 3
CHAPTER 3
Parrel Zierfa had gained skills in politics since coming to Alephin Nine. He had come to get Chasstra Critch into the Coalition three years ago. The feline had become used to strange things since his arrival.
Parrel thought about his time on the artificial world. He had needed to adjust to engineering that could build such a place. Seeing huge tubes set on pillars had awed him at first. Learning that they connected special atmosphere species to quarters in different parts of the city had humbled him. He heard that species had complete biospheres built into the terra-formed capital. Shops and homes were part of the zones set aside for them.
Parrel had difficulty with the translation equipment. Although small, he had to wear it everywhere. The main translator wrapped around Parrel’s left ear. The part in his ear often irritated his skin. A second device passed on a signal to other earpieces. The second device rendered what he said into the listener’s tongue. It fastened to a thin metal band at his neck. Such tiny parts amazed the brindle feline, even as they annoyed. ‘We are lucky that our world has raw resources to get into this trade alliance.’ The ambassador knew that his people needed the sciences of the Coalition.
Parrel stood near the Grand Assembly doors waiting for his summons. Bright mossy hued eyes stared at the complex carvings on the doors before him. Gold and silver metalwork contrasted with natural pink, and green veined stone. Fairytale beings pranced on the surfaces. Some creatures danced and swayed. Others spread their wings in flight. Some ruled forever on ornate thrones.
“Having a failure for a child must be hard.” The bubbling sounds carried to Parrel’s sensitive feline ears. Parrel continued to study the images on the doors. It helped to hide his interest in the quiet voices.
“I heard that the justice hall might send her to a reformation colony for committing murder,” bleated the Rodonin diplomat, Dhag’Kliggif.
“They say every time NaJessera ‘Edran opens her mouth disaster follows. However, I fail to see how justice halls could suspect her of murder.” The burbling was Tolobian delegate, Dakamus Dhag’Brel in his watery tank.
“Lut Hall’s Headmaster was Rodonin. Last night the justice hall told our embassy of the state of affairs. They say she is the main suspect because talent was used to kill Lut’Kloon.” Dhag’Kliggif told the group.
“Perhaps the young woman is under too much strain. This is the second time she has been dismissed from a Hall’s training roster,” Dhag’s Rish, and Drem added. The twin Kanbinogs stood two feet tall, each. They were black and tan weasel like beings’ that always spoke together.
“Oh, by a star’s flaming end, that poor child! I can’t believe it! NaNarla’s child is considered uncouth in her behaviors. I can’t deny she does things like climb trees. She is also well known for her concern for others. She simply could not kill anyone.” Dakamus insisted. The brindled Chasstran knew that sensitive topics moved Tolobians to extremes. The aquatic being was living up to their reputation.
“A justice hall detective says that she attempted to fix equipment. Headmaster Lut’Kloon dismissed her for breach of Hall customs. The headmaster was found dead two hours after her dismissal. His death has been linked to energy residues that point to a talent attack.” Definitely Kliigal’s voice, Parrel decided. He fought to keep his ears still as he listened.
“Even so, why expel the child for something so minor? A demerit with extra instruction is punishment by all Halls standards.” Dhag’Shardin, a Luminas sentient crystal spoke. “Such conduct is outside Hall procedure. The ability to repair equipment is not grounds for dismissal. Besides, Lut Hall has seven hundred known talents on this planet alone. Any one of those talents could have killed Lut’Kloon.”
“I do not know why he dismissed the young woman over the offense. I only know what was reported to me.” Dhag’Kliggif replied. “They informed the embassy that they are investigating. She is the main suspect because of her dismissal.”
The sounds of a struggle hushed the gossips. A Tyfarth diplomat was coming. Between the clicking, clacking, and buzzing were growls, grunts, and snorts. Other unique sounds caught Parrel’s sensitive ears. He associated the growls with the Dawpangi language. The others sounded like the Drathedin tongue.
“It must be an interesting argument.” Sormars purred to the group. His ears twitched as the sounds increased.
“Of course it is. Tyfarths are famed for being late. It seems someone is hurrying one along,” black and tan Dhags’Rish and Drem spoke up. NaNarla Dhag’Edran swept into the room. Mytin Dhag’Jivates followed her. She was urging the insect diplomat, Zrogen Dhag’Redline into motion. Another Drathedin, younger and similar in looks to NaNarla, trailed behind the group.
“Tyfarths enjoy being still for days, thinking. Yet, we must stand by schedules. Our Dawpangi delegate has made certain Zrogen Dhag’Redline is not late.” The duo of tiny, lithe bodied Kanbinogs chattered.
Zrogen’s front arms waved. His thick pinchers snapped open, and closed, from wrists to elbows. The large insect was upset. His eight legs twitched as he tried to find footing on the cream-colored tile. The barrel-chested Dawpangi desert dweller pushed him forward as if he were a feather. It was another of many strange sights to Parrel. A seven-foot long insect being hustled about by an amber colored Dawpangi was common on Alephin Nine. However, it would remain weird to Parrel.
Mytin motioned the attendant to tap the gong so the party could enter the Grand Assembly. Sormars bowed, as did Chaskrag, Parrel noted as he began to enact the lawful motions of greeting. His own people would have bumped noses in welcome. Yet, having so many species meant that the Coalition of Peace had established a limited contact forms of greeting for safety. All three were tired of repeating the ritual. They exchanged pleasantries with these ambassadors joining them on their journey to Chasstra Critch.
Three of the four newcomers watched him in particular. They went through their rites with practiced ease. Parrel had become used to the probing looks of aliens when he met them. It was not surprising that he caught their eyes. Parrel knew that he was considered large by his race. He stood a foot taller than Sormars. His height made him stand out. His ears were shaggy, tufted points that twitched with every nuance of sound. He had learned that to Coalition people, Chasstran knees were considered unique. A Chasstran’s ability to shift their knees to run on all fours, or to stand upright was rare. The flexibility in their locking knees made both practical forms of movement.
Rippling muscle was proof of how often the Chasstran ambassador exercised during his time on Alephin Nine. Muscle mass contributed to the air of lethal power he exuded, or so others told him. It was his obvious strength that made others wary of him.
‘I wonder who this other new Drathedin is. She is rather young to be here.’ Parrel felt sympathy toward the young female. His nose smelled the unease on her. She slunk toward the great doors. The large ambassador returned to looking at the intricate carvings. Zierfa watched the youth from the corner of his eye. He moved aside, giving the nervous young female room to look at the images. He sifted through his memory for a topic that might help ease her distress.
“In three years, I have never tired of studying the lovely designs that cover these doors. The attendants told me these doors have stood here for many generations.” Parrel addressed the teen.
She reached out a hesitant hand, not quite touching the carvings. She did not speak. Parrel decided to try again. “Unlike my two associates, who lost interest in these skillful carvings, I continue to find inspiration.”
“They are beautiful. I’ve never seen anything like them before.” The teen spoke in a soft voice. Parrel’s translator changed her words into a flat parody of melodic sound.
“I would be happy to introduce you to everyone if you wish.” He offered in purring undertones to try relieving the small female’s anxiety.
“I am not very good at talking with people. My name is NaJessera ‘Edran.”
“Well met. I am Parrel Zierfa. It is a pleasure to meet you.” Parrel knew that he did not need to do the performance required with diplomats and ambassadors. She had not given such a ritual greeting, removing the need for him to do so.
“I’ll get to know them if first mother thinks it’s appropriate.” The young human dipped her head. She had difficulty meeting his eyes. ‘This is strange behavior for a child of an influential Ambassador. This female is much too timid to be a killer. She has scratches, and a bruise on her face. They said she had fixed equipment. That must be where she got those,’ Parrel thought.
“Perhaps I could tell you who is in the room.” The female nodded once in agreement. Parrel motioned toward his companion Chasstran diplomats first. “The blond, and dark brown spotted feline standing by the window is Sormars Tegbrid. He is the Chasstran who looks underweight. Scars, including that tattered ear came from an unfortunate rebellion we survive some years ago. He is a Chieftain from Chasstra Critch. He was chosen to come because of his love of the status quo. I was chosen for my curiosity, and open mind.” Parrel knew Sormars heard him by the way his torn ear turned, and stiffened.
“My Critchar companion, Chasrag was chosen based upon her highly-developed observation skills. She has the inky black hide with long tail.”
“Chaskrag is the one lounging on the short seat looking at the odd, boxy looking thing, right?” NaJessera shifted with eyebrows furrowed. “Uhm, did she just use her tail to turn it over?” The girl’s eyes were rounded with surprise. Parrel enjoyed the open expression as she peeked up at him through long bangs.
“Yes. The object she has is a book. Our people use wood-based paper like your people use crystals. She uses her tail to turn the pages. Her people have not fully developed their dewclaws into opposing digits. In a few more generations, the Critchar dewclaw will become an opposing digit. Their stubby front paws can’t quite grasp tiny objects, yet.” Parrel smiled a fanged grin, remembering too late that showing fangs was considered bad manners. He shrugged it off when the child showed no fear. “They evolved their tails into an extra paw to adjust for the current lack. They can form their tails in different ways for the thumb needed to grasp things.” Parrel concluded.
“That’s really a great adaptation. It must make things easy for her.” NaJessera commented. “Her tail is thin so she could wrap it around things, and pull them out where a much fatter hand would have problems.”
“A delightful observation, young one.” Parrel was starting to like this small female’s quick mind.
“What is your history like?” NaJessera turned her face toward him. The gesture showed Parrel eyes that peeked out from under her bangs.
“It has been a thousand years since we set aside our differences. We started to work together instead of battling for domination of our world. Working together, we have made many strides in industry. Without the Critchar, the probe that caught the attention of one of your exploration vessels would not be complete. I would not be here, if not for a Critchar’s abilities.” The teen pushed her hair back behind her ear as she listened. Her smell lost the biting fear that had caught his attention earlier.
“My people’s fully formed opposable digits, and her people’s mental imagery have saved us from many errors in developing industries.” Parrel knew his pride in their achievements showed.
“Will you be glad to get back to your birth world, Sir?” NaJessera tilted her head at an angle.
“Yes. I am looking forward to returning to my homeland. The confirmation of membership will allow me to add the honored Dhag Hall to my name. I have no doubt that I will become the elected voice of my people once we conclude the First Treaty Celebration.” Parrel purred.
“Ah, Parrel Zierfa it is a good day to return to your lovely wilderness home. It’s no wonder you are so excited.” Rodonin diplomat Kliigal Dhag’Kliggif bleated, interrupting their conversation. The Rodonin was a small being with cloven hooves for feet. He had four fingered hands capped by miniature hoofs painted in the Dhag Hall colors as an adaptation to identify from which Hall every Rodonin came. Kliigal was known for his friendly upbeat disposition, and even temperament. NaJessera scooted away.
Parrel bowed low in returned greeting wondering at the Drathedin youth’s quick withdrawal. His paws flicked outward in an encompassing gesture. He kept his claws retracted, showing his peaceful intentions. “Yes. I will be happy to see home, Kliigal Dhag’Kliggif. I am about to return with welcome news for my peoples.” Parrel felt the translator’s slight vibrations as it shifted his words to the other languages.
Kliigal’s two large spiraling horns wore diplomatic colored ribbons as part of his attire. Brilliant white fur with patches of black and gold dappling across his flanks flashed as the small diplomat moved. A loincloth in a richly woven pattern of green and silver complemented his fur. An outer hall robe draped the small diplomat’s upper body.
“I wish to introduce you to the lovely Olaban, Aida Ier’Freen. She is from the Healer’s talent halls. She will be joining us on our journey. Aida will help heal the plague that is killing your people so unexpectedly. After all, it is a sorrowful thing when an alien illness is not caught before it gets loose.” The little Rodonin swept a hand toward his much taller, bird like companion. Parrel looked at the female closely.
“We see that no intention of making our children sick existed. We hold no grudge. It will be a joy to have the last of it removed from our people.”
The Coalition had limited contact with the Olaban species. The low gravity world traded in highly specialized plants, and minerals, for specific technology the Coalition made. The Olaban agreements for trade were similar to those that his world would have initially.
Parrel gave the same formal bow to the odd bird-like female. “I greet you, Aida Ier’Freen. It is a gift meeting one of your people.”
She bowed in greeting, letting her wings open as she touched her forehead with her two strange hands, flicking long skeletal fingers. Parrel saw long blood red feathers sway without air currents as the Olaban bowed. The strange looking feathers ran from the crest of her head, and ending midway down her spine. The red looked out of place against the flat green, and pristine white of the rest of her. “Well met, ambassador Parrel Zierfa. I will do my best to insure that the lapse in protective measures will be remedied.” The female shrilled in a piping pitch. Her voice had a hollow quality. Her cheeks puffed out, and fell as she spoke.
Parrel turned to the Rodonin delegate, “Kliigal, you are to go to Chasstra Critch for First Treaty celebration, are you not?”
“Yes. I will be one of those to see your wilderness world. It will be a treat to see the places you have mentioned I believe it will be nice to breathe such fresh air. It is uncanny how your species has managed to develop a space probe without great industrial pollution.” Kliigal bobbed his narrow head as he spoke.
Parrel fought not to smile at the little diplomat. “Yes, we are fortunate in our ability to work so well with the Critchar people. They have brilliant minds when it comes to invention. Our peoples are blessed because we work together to resolve all difficulties.”
“You work together like we work with the Luminas.” Dhag’s Rish and Drem pointed out to the small group. They bobbed in accord as their companion Dhag’Shardin waited in silence. Parrel wondered if the crystal being found the motion soothing. It had to feel the Kanbinogs movements since it was in a harness attached to the bouncing pair’s backs.
“Yes. We do work together in much the same way. Dhag’Shardin is lucky to have your joyful help.” Sormars spoke to the hyperactive duo. Dhags’Rish, and Drem, in their carry harness for Luminas Ambassador Dhag’Shardin, scampered away. The brindled feline realized that the great doors had opened. It was time to go before the Grand Assembly for the last stage of the ritualized political game.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
SwordMistress reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This was the best written chapter yet. It flowed well and clipped right along. I really liked the character of Parrel and that you used Parrel’s view point in the chapter. The names are difficult to keep straight, especially since there are so many of them. But, if the story is interesting enough people will stick around long enough to learn them. Reading some scifi/fantasy novels are like learning a new language.
The only problem I had with the chapter is that it ended before much of anything happened. It would be better to end it at some sort of cliff hanger. All you’ve done is given us a bunch of information. It was all well presented and interesting and informative, but something that advances the plot should happen before you end the chapter. It will give us incentive to read on. I’m guessing that Na’Jessera is there to be questioned or judged. Consider ending the chapter in the middle of the hearing or something like that.
Just a few minor things:
reported to me.” Dhag’Kliggif replied. me,” Dhag’Kliggif replied. You do this one a lot. You put periods in the dialogue where commas should be.
NaJessera shifted with eyebrows furrowed. “Uhm, did she just use her tail to turn it over?” Since a different person is speaking you need to start a new paragraph here.
- add/view comments (0)
Elim121 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
The good first. It is clear this is a Sci fi/Fantasy book and that you have put a lot of thought into creating imaginative creatures and characters. Now for the constructive critisism. Take a look at the structure of this work. You will see that you start every person speaking the same way. You start with the ” then what is happening or the persons thoughts and actions. There is no variation to this. So many sentences have the exact same structure throughout this chapter. It makes the work seem mechanical and choppy to me. Also you start several sentences off with Parrel. Parrel Zierfa had gained, Parrel thought, Parrel had, Parrel stood,Parrel bowed,Parrel gave, Parrel turned,
Parrel fought all start off a sentence within this chapter. What it seems to me is more like a screenplay rather than a story. I have to admit I lost interest in this chapter. Maybe because I haven’t read the first 2 chapters but I didn’t find anything capturing my attention. Having said all that I still think you have a good writing style and an interesting world.
Harold_P reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Having read a previous installment I seem to be able to garner a little more understanding regarding the structure of your work. Whereas previously I might have had a complaint about the pace of the story I can see it is appropriate for the epic nature of the piece. The small sharp short sentence approach would appear to act like some sort of “building block” for your alternative world.
I can see that this ties into your character development as well. This chapter allowed me a distinct insight into Parrel Zierfa (which is a distinct character name) and where he slotted into this story. Given you are at the present moment still building your world, and not into the action, you might find it difficult to hang onto readers who know what is going on in the story in each excerpt.
Complex sci-fi stories can be a curse on this site.
As for this excerpt, I felt some of the descriptions could be imaginative i.e. “brilliant white” sounds a little lax when compared to the arsenal adjectives that could be used instead. I would really like the description to become the central force of this chapter, I feel it is crucial in sucking the reader into the world. You can either do this through intrigue or the invention of your language.
I can’t comment on sci-fi dialogue… to me it always sounds a little stilted but we are dealing with non-human characters here so for the genre I think it works well.
Hope there’s no overlap in this review.
Harold
mikeyb91 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Gosh…I hating critquing people who are better writers than me because I feel like my advice is terrible. All I can say was that, the story was definitley hard to follow with all the Indian names, but you could really work with this peice and get it published.
clayton115 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Amazing! Natural talent is here! I would deffinately buy the book!
CaptGage reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Wow! As a science fiction writer myself sometimes, I must say that this is an impressive and promising piece. It’s important that you’ve set up your characters, which is apparently the aim of this part. Then again, that’s how it reads for me, as I haven’t read any previous segments. I think I’ve been out of the Urbis loop a bit long.
You do a good job of remembering that you’re dealing with different species here. The concept of some obiospheres having different atmospheres for different species is a good one. It’s of course been occasionally done before out of necessity. The pilot ep of Babylon 5 comes to mind. It’s always a welcome touch, because you’ve shown that you’re actually thinking about the diverse species a populated universe could very well have. Keep up the good work.
smithk89 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Very, very good description. I can actually begin to form a mental image of some of the characters from your words. Good movement, pace is appropriate, and character dialouge contributes well to overall understanding. One can even begin to attatch some personal attributes to the speaker.
Out of what I’ve read so far on this site, this seems to be pretty talented “wordsmenship”.
However, I must admit that I had to read it through more than once to be able to understand it, not that that’s bad- it just takes some getting used to. NaJessera’s dialouge is like a relief, after reading through all the strange words and very formal speak of the other characters. Although, again, well-written, it may need to be “dumbed down” a bit to attract an agent or publisher. (mainly because they don’t have patience enough to try and figure things out with all the manuscripts they see every day). Try introducing less characters in your first couple of pages, or maybe not using so many terms that these aliens may understand, but your readers don’t.
for instance:
“The ability to repair equipment is not grounds for dismissal. Besides, Lut Hall has seven hundred known talents on this planet alone. Any one of those talents could have killed Lut’Kloon.”
This frustrates me! My interest is piqued over the fact that a young girl may have killed someone, but this sentence is just downright confusing. Saying a talent could kill someone makes your reader think, “What?” But there’s no follow-up or hint to help the reader! (Let alone I don’t know what Lut Hall is, what they mean by seven hundred talents, or “talents could have killed…”)
Very good writing overall though
MalevolentUrge reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I love the main character Parrel and the wonderful descriptions you give but I kind of feel like I am going through information overload. I like how you just jump into the story but I am not sure what is going on. I’ll keep on reading to see what develops but you may want to develop Parrel a bit more (and the setting!!) before giving us new characters.
Well what do I know :)
wise2owls reviewed Version 1 -
Read 10% of the Item
The power of words enthraws me… The way she tells of the different diplomats from one of them is awesome.. I await the rest of her book and can`t wait to be kept on the edge of my seat…
Showing 1 - 10 of 13
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
13 Reviews 8 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 8 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 432 Times
Skipped: 10 Times
Ratings & Rankings
