When I packed my bag to leave,
I wrapped you
in brown parcel paper
and string,
like my package
delivered
from Russia.
I carefully
stowed you
between socks
and sweaters,
crowded you in
with unmentionables
and my other loves,
as a souvenir of time
spent away from my life
and obligations.
I was a passenger then,
a traveler in
a life dappled
with headlights
and smoke,
a life of
obscurity
and illusion,
a life that wasn’t mine –
but me disbursed
through yours.
Today, as I unpack
my suitcase shaped heart,
I find you
with edges crumpled
and string in knots,
but still
in one piece.
A trinket
to remind
me of the days
when hitchhiking
was my favorite pastime.
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Very Nice. A few nitpicks, but overall very readable and accessible.
“and my other loves,” Strunk “my” for better rhythm
“as a souvenir of time” Strunk “as” for the same reason
“but me disbursed” Go ahead, use “mine” again. It works
“and string in knots” Strunk “and”
Wonderful last thought, delineated well so it trips off the tongue, a smile for anyone who has been on the road.
I would consider leaving off the last stanza, or changing it. It seems to wrap things up too neatly, and the literal tie-in of hitchhiking is almost disappointing. This poem works better when the physical setting/actions are left to the imagination.
I want to know what it is!!!
This poem has a great start, but needs a bit of fine-tuning.
The “package from russia” image is unclear. Unless i know you very well or am at least your postman, that metaphor adds nothing to the poem’s meaning.
The end of stanza two: “spent away from…” is a bit too telly and not showy. Give me something to imagine. Instead of “obligations,” state an obligation or series of obligation. “spent away from deadlines and clotheslines” or whatever your obligations might have been.
Third stanza: the images work well(headlights and smoke). The end: “me disbursed through yours” should be revised. Its unclear and kind of clunky. I would take the opportunity to replace the description with a big fat stinking metaphor that explains the relationship between you, life, and the token.
The last stanza works well.
I would change the title. it gives too much information.
The poem is worth revising to make it something great. There isn’t much further to travel.
P.S. I would kill to know what’s in the package. It’s not a body part, is it? Kidding.
Is this poem about pictures? That’s what I got from it. I liked it, I thought it was well written.
As I read the first two stanzas of this poem I thought it was a surrealistic description of a person and I liked it. As I read the next stanzas though I wasn’t sure. by the time I finished reading the poem I was confused as to what it was about.
The word “trinket” connotes something of little value. If whatever it is you’re writing about has little value, is it worth a poem?
I’m also not sure the word “disbursed” fits; it means payed out.
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. It keeps you wondering and stimulates thoughts, and stimulating thought is ultimately a goal of poetry. The images were vivid to me. I wouldn’t change it.
“string in knots” or “strung in knots”?
I loved the description you put in here, many of the lines are vivid and reminds me (as cocky as it seems to say this )of a poem I wrote about my grandmother.
My only suggestion – the flow of the poem makes me feel like so many lines
slows the reader down, and the flow doesn’t mirror that. I think having more than two or three words in a line would be better, but that’s up to you.
thanks for sharing :)
I need more info…i dont know what your writing about. If u gave away a little more info it would be very enticing. Other than that it was one of the best ive read today.
In my possibly incorrect opinion:
The syllables int he second line i found to read poorly. I think you could get round the problem by doing this
I wrapped you
In brown parcel paper
And string
Like my package….
THEN NEW STANZA
I would also create a new line beginning from the following: ‘between socks and sweaters’, ‘in with my unmentionables’, ‘and my other loves’ and ‘from my life and obligations’ (THEN NEW STANZA AGAIN)#
I won’t do this for the whole poem: I’m juist saying i think the lines are too long for the current topography of the syllables in those lines at current.
‘but me dispursed’ is a bit awkward
Your’s < yours
Today as i unpack < consider ‘Today, as I unpack…’
‘suitcase shaped heart’ < i see what you’re trying here, but find it a bit awkward, a bit forced
I’d end it like this:
A trinket to remind me of the days
when hitchhking
was my favourite pastime
but the syllables are still messy. Currently i just feel those last lines read too quickly, too flat.
Overall, i like the concept and it’s by no means a lost cause. I just feel that breaking your lines up a bit, and perhaps sprinkling in some more abstruse elements, some metaphor and so on, would go a long way.
Also, you say ‘like my package delivered FROM Russia’ very soon after ‘packing my bag’, which io found a bit confusing. You use a simile which i feelm depletes its own impact, as one has a coming, the other a going connotation. It also seems a little tautological – comparing a ‘brown parcel paper’ to a ‘package’; i.e. i didn’t find the simile enhancing.
The sandwhiching in bit i also didn’t really get – is it a photo?
I’d definitely break into 3 stanzas too, to make the different elements stand more independently.
Hope this helps.
I really liked this poem. It was a nice, unique ode to hitchhiking, which is rather unheard of, to me anyway. It was a really neat piece to read and, although it had no rhyme scheme, it was one of those poems that flows very and sounds very well. I have little idea why, but this poem made this odd unknown connection with me that sparks pathos for some strange reason. It is a very sentimental and nostalgic piece, which adds a touch of sincerity. The lines “A trinket to remind me of the days when hitchhiking was my favorite pastime” just gave me a semblance of longing for things past. Now, unfortunately, is the time for a bit of criticism. I’m sure you were going for this, but it almost seems reptitive at points, like one big run on sentence, with constant point, but all in all was written well. Again, very nice poem and keep up the good work.
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