Young Adult / Winterhaven - Thirst

Ooh. Vampires.
Vampire novels have recently taken new life and its anyone’s game to had more creativity to the genre. So the Vampire can do telekinesis or Psychokinesis is, in reality of course psuedoscience, but still kind of cool.

I would expect that being vampire in whole or in part would give an extra sense. I wonder though what other abilities are you going to give them?

I wonder what else you’ll have.

The thing is, the vampire genre right now is really overplayed—especially since the popularity of the Twilight series. If you’re going to write about vampires, it should really be trying to do something new with the genre. And while this is well-written, it’s not really a fresh take on the concept. You’re using the standard vampire tropes.

Maybe in the bigger picture I’m wrong, since you say there’s more to this story, but that’s my first impression from reading.

When you first mention the scent, you could describe it more distinctly. Is it a hormonal scent? What is it specifically? This detail is important IMO.

When you give snippets like this, it really makes the reviewer look at details. The word “popping” seems too light for the tone of this passage.  

Would Levi consider it “strong” that Lilly is resisting her instincts?

I always wonder why people post items that have not gone at least one rewrite. Can you shed light on this for me?

” I suddenly found myself wishing, desperately, that Levi were with me.
  Lillian, you should know by now that I am always with you.
  As accustomed as I had become to the sultry voice popping into my mind, his timing surprised me. Levi had an uncanny ability of knowing precisely when I needed him,”
-contradiction city!!! first she is wishing he was there, then surprised that he “spoke” to her, then goes on to claim that he has the ability to be there when she needs him to be. Do you see the contradiction? I do. And your readers will too.

“The abrupt sense of again being alone, and the knowledge that I would soon be with him…” ‘again being alone’? how about ‘being alone again’?

too short of a piece to really be able to care about it really. You need to give us more in order for us to try and connect with a character, to feel for them.

i havent read the other winterhaven pieces so i dont entirely understand whats going on but thats ok because i still like it. i liked readin this because it pulls you in it makes the reader, or at least me, want to read more and find out whats happens next. its also easy, its not over powered with details that distract the reader from the actaully story but there’s is enough that the reader knows whats going on. Good Job.

I think I read something that happens after this and I liked this to. I liked how you made his words smaller like he was whispering to her, which I was. Knowing that she just didnt start out as a killer let me see how much she changes in the chapters after this.

I Really Liked this! i wished it would have been longer beacuse i enjoyed just this small portion of it! I hope you think about perhaps making a book about this, im sure it would interest a lot of people! Good Luck!