Poetry / My forehead aches

I really enjoyed this, short but I really liked the theme of it. There was an interesting choice of words, they flowed quite nicely together. This was an overall good job. I really enjoyed the lines where you said “The fight of the post, bravely, forging forward in a world, unaccepting her noble, incautious path.” I like those lines. Overall, this was well done and I hope you write more poetry, keep up the good work!

I like this a lot, great job for a first attempt. Here’s some suggestions I have for you – change the title and remove the first line. They’re the only references you have to a first person narrator, and without that presence in the rest of the poem it’s inconsistent. First person is hard to do right in poetry anyway. I’d also remove the line “An epic battle!”. It makes it choppy and doesn’t add much. If you did that, you’d have to end the previous line with a period, probably. But altogether this is a nice piece, I like the concept. Good luck!

I like the direction you took with this poem. A word of advice though, poetry comes not from the brain but from the heart. If you have to think too much about it, then it becomes something other than poetry. It becomes almost a robotic system of working rhyme to your reason. Keep writing, and don’t get scared by harsh critics!

Good job. I do agree you should try writing if you want to, I don’t agree that 38 is an old fart! I don’t think you need to repeat the title in the 1st line. In fact, it’s good there, maybe new title? Keep Writing! Thanks!

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March 02, 2008

by joancrown

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148	85.1% (74 votes)	19.4%

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39	F	Richmond, VA	November 10

I always learned that an untitled poem defaults to the first line AS its title… so that’s why I did that…

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You get the message of the poem across clearly and I’m sure most writers can at least relate to the message it conveys.  I liked the opening two stanzas, though the pen/sword metaphor is a little cliche.  The ending was strong.  You definitely have something there, a talent worth shaping though I would like to see you expanding on the idea presented to make it a little more personal.

I’d shift ‘fully’ back one line maybe?
Waging war on words < wonderfully whimsical
Pen to paper < so inventive!

I’d at least consider it like this:

bravely forging forward
in a world unaccepting
of her noble incautious path.

Overall, it’s a good bit of light-hearted, self-reflexive irony on the genesis of poetic activity within an aging 38 year old, who I’m guessing is male? I always like to guess the gender.

Yeah, it’s a good bit of fun. No more, no less. Make it a bit longer perhaps, but no more than 2 stanzas.

Consider yourself inducted into the lucrative world of poetry. Just don’t let your new-found wealth get to your head.

7/10

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February 24, 2008

by Protagoras

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29	M	United Kingdom	November 30

sorry to get the male/female thing wrong. i actually for some reason thought this was gonna be voidsucker’s piece!

i thought he was 38!

hope you don;t take offense!

February 24, 2008

by joancrown

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39	F	Richmond, VA	November 10

Hah. No offense taken.

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I liked it for the most part, thou I don’t know where it was supposed to take me, assume your readers don’t know who these mythilocal figures are and explian them with more clarity.

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February 23, 2008

by joancrown

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Should I have to explain them?  Maybe this is a poem that should make them THINK about mythology?  I’m not a poet (see comments) but though I think it should be accessible, I also HATE it when it’s not smart, know what I mean?

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It is visually appealing and sounds good, flows well, etc…with a little elaboration it would make more sense.

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February 23, 2008

by joancrown

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Could you be more specific? What  would you like to see elaborated?

February 23, 2008

by goofygoober168

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23	F	United States	November 11

It just seems abrupt. While not all will understand the allusions you made, as a fellow (sometimes) poet, I know it can be near impossible to explain such things in poetry. You could add a bit more imagery (especially in the first part) to help those who don’t quite grasp the allusions understand the meaning of the piece.

Does that help?

February 23, 2008

by joancrown

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I suppose… I don’t write poetry, as a rule.  This is a first attempt.  I write humor.  I just wanted to try it, and I had a little blurb about the mythology, then I thought Fuck it.  If they don’t understand, let them look it up.  I mean, I see poetry as a medium first to communicate and second to educate.  I spent a lot of time researching poems in college…great poets never spent time giving me a context.  They figured if I didn’t know it, I was beneath them… so I’m passing the torch, so to speak.  But I appreciate your pov.

February 23, 2008

by goofygoober168

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I can see that. I feel the same way sometimes—especially after starting on my Masters in Lit and Languages…I thought it was pretty good…so, keep doing it, eh?

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Ah, were age the stuff that shapes the poet I would be twice as good as thee. Well almost. LOL

I disagree you are an old fart. (I have sweatsocks older than you.)

You certainly are smart enough to be a poet and this piece demonstrates that very well.

Following your notes, it took on a humorous twist. I’d be curious to see what it would be like without the notes. Alas it is too late for me to know.
Nice structure, nice rhythm, nice images. Your last stanza mirrors the question you pose in your notes.
8/8

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February 23, 2008

by joancrown

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I write humor…that’s where everything else I post ends up…but as a teacher, I force my young charges to write a variety of types/genres, so I thought I’d practice what I preach.

February 23, 2008

by Jimmel104

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67	M	Flower Mound, TX	December 01

Good for you. I’ll bet they hate you for it. LOL And thank you for sticking with a noble profession.

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