haha. we’re even now.
Short Story / Puzzle Pieces
Puzzle Pieces
“I hadn’t been to work in 4 weeks, but I still dressed the part because if my roommates knew I’d been fired, they would’ve kicked out the day of. We tolerate each other like that. So I left every morning and went to the campus down the street to use their free WIFI and knit. That’s where I met Brian. He was on his laptop, probably doing more than loitering, sitting a few tables over from me. We made enough eye contact for me to know that it wasn’t a coincidence, and I could tell he wasn’t the type to make the first move, so I introduced myself. I felt obligated.
I just went over to him and said, ‘Hey. I’m Vicky.’ He wasn’t surprised to see me; more wondering what took me so long.
He said, ‘Hi Vicky,’ like he didn’t care if I stayed or left. That’s how it started. He said hello, and since, he hasn’t said goodbye. We’ve gone without seeing each other for days at a time, but he never says the word. He always insists he’ll see me later, or catch me tomorrow. But I’m not so sure. I’m not really the type to be caught.
I’ve invited him to my parties (that’s what I do for money – outside of knitting – throw parties) and he usually declines, even though I promised not to charge him at the door. I don’t know anyone else who could turn down a free party. EverybodyI know, and that knows me well enough to be called a friend (or in some cases a roommate), I’ve met at a party. That’s why I meet him, almost everyday, on campus – and we talk.
He always asks me questions like, ‘So why don’t you have a job?’ He’s been a buyer for the vintage shop a few blocks from the campus library for at least 4 years.
I figured there’s no reason to lie this early, so I told him, ‘I got fired.’
He didn’t seem too surprised by this, but insisted on knowing what happened and if I had started looking for another job. He had mentioned a few times that his job kept him afloat, so I could understand his concern for my situation. I just told him the truth.
‘I never showed up on time and I didn’t really like it anyway. I mean, could you picture me working in a bookstore.’ He laughed when I told him that. I obviously don’t look like the type.
‘At least now I know you can read.’ That was his attempt at a joke, I suppose. I lied and said he was funny, which he ate up.
‘I try,’ that was his reply. He didn’t let the subject say on himself for too long of course. He had to ask, ‘Do you make a lot of money doing parties? And knitting for people?’ I could tell he was mocking me, so I set him straight.
‘If you’d show up, you’d see for yourself! My parties are legendary! $5 a person. At least 250 people at every party. Minus the DJ and the venue cost, which I pay out per month – 2 parties a month – I get $1500 a month! That’s not including the cut we get from the photographer, the non-alcoholic drinks at the bar, or the raffles we do for my hats.’ He didn’t seem impressed, so I had to throw in that, ‘My knitting does okay too. I get more when I have orders from retailers than when I knit individual pieces for people. I charge more for the time it takes than anything. I’ve probably made about $400 from it this month.’ Not many other people I know could live off of knitting and parties, and I mentioned that to him a few times, not that he cared.
He still couldn’t seem to wrap his head around the whole thing. ‘So that’s how you guys keep your apartment?’ He asked me that one more than once. He lived alone. I live with 2 other people in a 3 bedroom apartment in University Village. The rent is decent because everything over there is priced for the students.
‘That – and my roommates have jobs. They kind of hate me,’ which is true. ‘I don’t blame them.’
‘Well I hate you too.’ He had a stupid little smirk on his face when he said it, not seriously of course. ‘You get to have fun and still make rent.’ He was still clearly mocking me.
‘Doing parties isn’t fun! Anyway, my roomated don’t even know I lost my job – and they hate me anyway. I do the parties for rent only. I’d rather have a salary job. I get drunk too much.’ He didn’t believe a word I was saying.
‘You love it. Don’t lie.’ I wasn’t lying.
‘It’s a decent way to live – for now. But I’ll be 25 soon. Then 30.’ He laughed at my liberal math, but it’s true, 30 sneaks up on you. I couldn’t have him thinking I was all fun and game so I told him, ‘I’ve had more fun doing other things, anyway.’ This, he absolutely didn’t believe.
‘Like what?’
I told him about my mother – about going to work with her when I was little and watching her, dressed in her sparkly outfit and shiny tights. Watching her balance what had to be a hundred drinks on a tray no bigger than his laptop and slide between patrons and gamblers and people too drunk to know their own bodies from hers. She was beautiful. I used to watch her snap men out of inebriation to tip her so that when she left, she could buy me whatever I wanted. Every kid wished they could have been there, instead of tucked in bed. ‘But that wasn’t fun,’ I told him.
He looked disappointed. ‘Then what was the point of that story?’ I let him know that I hadn’t wasted him time for nothing.
‘On her days off, we did puzzles.’ His mouth literally dropped and I can’t imagine why. Puzzles are a perfectly legitimate way to spend a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, especially when you know you won’t get the chance to do it again for weeks.
He really thought I was full of it. ‘Puzzles?’ He must have asked me that three or four times.
I told him me and my mom used to do ‘Those 1000-piece puzzles. She didn’t have many days off, but when she did, we’d pull our puzzle mat out from under her bed and pick up where we left off. I don’t think we ever finished one, but we started a lot.’ He told me I seemed like the type that wouldn’t finish a puzzle.
He was heading out, on his way to work and told me, ‘I didn’t peg you for a puzzle girl.’
I’m sure he was still mocking me, and I’m not one to let a joke die out. ‘I’m not a puzzle girl. I’m a party girl. Remember?’ I was trying to be coy, but I don’t think it worked.
He said, ‘I know,’ without skipping a beat. I really didn’t think he takes me seriously. But I still like spending time with him. Then he said something that surprised me. ‘You know, my store might want to buy some of those hats you make. They’re alright. You should make me one.’ He told me to stop by at lunch.
I think I sold about ten hats to his boss. He’s a good guy.”
“Alright. I guess I can let him in – If he’s even still in the waiting room after that story.” She smiles and cuts me short. “Sound like you two have a lot of fun together.”
“Thanks nurse. I guess you’re one of the nice ones. The last nurse didn’t even let my roommates come in.” As she waddles out, Brian peeks his head around the open door. I smile. “So you were standing out there the whole time, huh? I should have figured as much. What did you say to her? Why did she let you in?”
“They said only family could in to come see you. I mean, I was a little worried. You weren’t at campus yesterday so I took the card you left at the store and called your apartment. Your roommate told me what happened at your party the other night.”
“Yea. A few of us passed out. Something was in the drinks.” He is clearly more concerned than me. “And I’m thrilled to know that my roommates are sharing my whereabouts with people they’ve never met!”
He shrugs it off. “It seems like they were used to getting calls from strange guys about you. And they figured out when I called that you haven’t been going to work. Anyway, you’re going to get sued.”
“Not me. The bar.” I laugh at the severity of it all. “So you lied and told the nurse you were, what, my brother?”
“No. I told the truth. We did puzzles together.” The nurse was right.
“You’ve got me caught.” He hands me the flowers he bought from somewhere nicer than I’ve gotten them in the past. “ And I’m not really one to get caught.”
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
plotjuggler reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
I read this twice because I felt like I didn’t “get some of it”. I may not have perceived it the way you had intended. No matter. It may be exactly the way you want it. It is far from a poor piece of work. I think what might be effecting my perception is the narrative voice and some of the dialogue may be just similar enough that the “individual voice” is not as defined as I’m trying to “hear” it. If you don’t grasp what I am saying and no one else says anything similar then kindly ignore this. I am far from any “expert”. This review is in no way meant to belittle your story.
- add/view comments (0)
Alexavier reviewed Version 3 -
Read 20% of the Item
Throughout the story i was a little curious where its going and i lost interest, but I decided to keep on. The ending ws cute but I would like to hear more about the incident at the party. I like your characters but they seem very stocky maybe because of the college setting. The guy seems very robotic and because the story is kinda weak i think you mean for the characters to compell the reader. If thats the case develop them both more.
mm_storyteller reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
Overall I enjoyed this story. I think you explained the characters well, and have room to expand them. I like the way the relationship between the two main characters is developing. Be careful on tense,”So I left every morning and went to the campus down the street to use their free WIFI and knit.” should be “So I leave every morning…” this helps the flow, and I think fits in better with the tense used earlier. Good job and thanks for the read.
mm_storyteller
caralynn reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
it’s very interesting, though i didn’t get who vicky was talking to until you mention the nurse way later in the story. can you mention it sooner without giving away that she’s in the hospital? it was just a little disconcerting to all of a sudden be there. that said i like the ‘ongoing conversation’ style. i feel like i know the character of Vicky and empathize with her but don’t feel the same depth of empathy for Brian. i don’t feel like i know enough about him for him to do something so personal for vicky as to bring her the puzzle. hope this helps. good luck with the story.
VeeLee reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
There’s a lot that I like about this story—the conversational tone is inviting, and is fitting for Vicky’s character. We get a pretty good idea of who she is and what motivates her. Brian is more of an enigma, though. I want to get into his head, see what makes him tick. Less dialogue and more action between the two of them would help that.
As to the structure: once I reached the end of the story, the way Vicky presents the timeline of their relationship made sense—the jumbled up sequence of their first conversation and subsequent conversations. While I was in the midst of reading it though, it was confusing, and took me out of the story. We have to wait a long time before we get to the end and reach an understanding of what’s being presented. I think Vicky’s telling could be a lot shorter and still have the same impact.
I hope that’s helpful. Good luck.
Curtastrophe reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
Ok, opening sentences needn’t only be strong, but convey some sort of message to the reader right? Well, this starts of with the main character talking about her being fired from work. Why was she fired? And then it goes into how she makes enough money outside of work, but doesn’t go into any detail about that either. I’m not saying your opening sentences are horrible, but I’d suggest giving at least a sentence explaining what purpose they have to the story – Why they’re there.
“And he was wearing one of those Cosby sweaters.” Isn’t this from a movie? High Fidelity perhaps… It just sounds like something I’ve heard before.
Okay, so you’ve established that Vicky throws parties as a source of outside income. Is she a party planner? Or is she just the person who buys a keg and rolls up to someone’s house and says, “Let’s have a party!” Though I like the premise of it, it lacks any sort of depth.
To me this reads more like a journal entry or a letter to a friend than a short story. There’s really no character build-up. We know Vicky knits and likes to throw parties. Her crush works. They talk alot about superficial things. There’s really no conflict, no action, or climax. Some other people may like this, but it just wasn’t for me. Sorry.
-Curt
smithk89 reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
Hmmmm…interesting…good pace…holds the reader’s attention…but there’s just something about the dialouge. I think that maybe it sounds more as though she’s writing and not speaking. See, here’s the thing, As she tells the story you begin to get a sense of her and her personality, and it’s not completely meshing with the way she speaks. (Not all the time, mind you, just in some places). For example, when she begins by saying ““I hadn’t been to work in four weeks, but I still dressed the part because if my roommates knew I’d been fired….and so on. a phrase like “I still dressed the part” doesn’t come out of a person’s mouth all that often (unless they’re british and recounting a story over a spot of tea “Quite so, old chum.” “Indeed”). Here’s what one of my profs told me to do to make your dialouge as real as you can: act it out! Lay down on your bed, close your eyes, pretend you are the character speaking to the nurse and start talking. Remember, you’re really trying to influence her, but you’ve also just been through a traumatic ordeal. Just start saying what would come out of this person’s mouth.
Maybe more like:
“Look, this all started about four weeks ago. I lost my job, and I knew that if my roomates found out, they’d probably have me out on my ass before I could explain….so I didn’t tell them. I just kept getting dressed for work and leaving at the same old time…..”
Not all that much different, right? but maybe just a bit more urgent. But again, this is good, really. I enjoyed reading it. Nice change of pace for me.
mollyp reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
I liked the story. The LINUS blanket, great. On page 6- I wasn’t creepy- should it be It wasn’t creepy? Really threw me when it became third person in the hospital. Brian and Vicky are made for each other. Looking forward to more.
PizzaDeliveryBoy reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
Listen, that was a great story! The end was a surprise and really, for the most part, canceled a lot of the comments i had written down prior to the end.
You said you wanted to advice on character development so ill focus on that.
First off, i really liked the contrast of the two characters—got a picture in my head of both, the smart, different, spontaneous whatever girl vs the college, doesnt show his arms off, thinks hes funny guy. Really nice. You could have done more! I wanted to know more about both.
The line: He has no idea how he sounds. I swear he thinks he’s clever. Funny. Gives us a good idea about him. Kind of nerdy. I wanted more from the girl too. Did she hate high school? etc. I guess i dont even know exactly what i want (mostly because i was really happy with the story) Just more on her.
The line, “But you know that already, you saw him.” was excellently done! As i was reading it i was a bit confused but at the end, clearly it made sense. Nice!
Also the part about getting the hand made hat thing was really well done.
The one nit-picking comment i have is with the line “My friends used to try on her work clothes when they came over the house and my teacher told her she couldn’t come back in for career day. She was jealous. ” Im not sure if Jealous is the right word. She was jealous of all the other mothers? Or hurt?
Thats all. Like i said it was a really satisfying story. Intelligent. Witty. And well-constructed.
Thanks for the read
PeanutButter reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
This was a well written peice. I loved the ending, very moving. Although I think this could have been better if you had givine us a little description of Vic and Brian. It wasn’t until I got to the second paragraph that I discovered that this wasn’t Yaoi, gay romance, and that our narrator was a girl. The dialog is excalent but I just had a hard time visuallizing the whole thing. Good work though.
Showing 1 - 10 of 18
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Ratings & Rankings
