I appreciate it. Tuck it away in the far recesses of your mind, hopefully never to be used.
Non-fiction / Retinal Detachment - It could be happening to you and you could not know it. (Analysis)
Are you short-sighted? I am and as a result I have thinning of my retina. Currently there is a large round black orb hanging above my left eye and it is getting harder and harder to type. The large black round orb is a result of a retinal detachment on the lower part of the eye. Surgery is scheduled for monday morning. The Vitreoretinal Doctor scheduled surgery for Monday morning – 8am. He is going to buckle the eye.
I apologise for the obvious lack of information I impart but that is all I know. I do know that if I do not have immedeate surgery I will become blind. That type of information is enough for me and I will do the surgery, buckle and all.
I found out that I had the condition, which I have had for many months, quite by mistake. I did have a large bright arc on rare occassions shoot like a sparkling comet across my eye – quite pretty. However with a full time job and five kids , the comet could wait. IToday my luck was in and I got hit unintentianally ,in the eye, by my twirling daughter. The arc left and instead the orb appeared. The optomologist saw me immedeatly and kept sighing at regular intervals.
I have never heard of retinal detachment until today although my retina has been detaching for quite some time. If you see an arc, a flashing light or orbs float before your eyes do not think you can set up shop as the local spirit medium ,just yet, first check with your eye doctor.
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bluelily reviewed Version 1 -
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This is brief and I am not quite sure why you have written this piece. Is it to relay your feelings? You haven’t really given any feelings. Is is to relay information? You yourself apologize for the lack of information. Is it a warning in general? For that, I say thanks.
Overall, you could put more of yourself into this…the part where you talk about the comet and the arc and the orb could really be made into something interesting. You try for a bit of comedy at the end which I think is nice.
Give me more of your twirling daughter. More of five kids and job. Personify the orb more, if you want to, which it sounds like you do. Currently this seems thrown down on the page.
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browniie111 reviewed Version 1 -
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This 370 word review has not been unlocked.
specialfae reviewed Version 1 -
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Very good information! Thank you for sharing.
BigMamaMags reviewed Version 1 -
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For what this was, a personal account, it was alright. If used as an incentive to see a optometrist or opthamologist, I found it lacking. You should always obtain full information from your doctor prior to any surgery. This information would be good for you to know as well as allow you to inform those who read your work more about it. This I believe was your intention when you wrote the story.
danisterror reviewed Version 1 -
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It was very informative about the subject at hand yet read kind of bland to me. I understand that it is non-fiction and to me, non-fiction is slow, but I felt that it could have used more to carry to idea itself. I do like the way you refer to these black orbs, I beleive I have seen these before when I stand up really quickly after laying down or sitting. Another thing I disliked though is the way you did the sentence where you said ”...is all I know” and then picked up the next sentence “but I do know.” It may be a pet peeve of mine or something different but I feel that you don’t need to write “all I know” if he knows more than that. It contradicts the first sentence.Other then that, I could see this in a newspaper as an add somewhere. A magazine too. If you are looking to get it published as such, I’d look at making it more appealing somehow.
Good stuff nevertheless.
concarolinags reviewed Version 1 -
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There is a confusion in this piece, like you want to say something, but you don’t know what you want to say. You have skill at writing, and something to say, but no organization. Non fiction writing is different from fiction writing and there are distinct forms designed to help you organize your thoughts. The three paragraph theme, the five paragraph theme and many others. Find one and use it. Also, you need to put more of yourself it into. Sure, you might not know anything about retinal detachment, but you know a lot about being diagnoses with it. Talk about the accident, talk abotu sitting in the chair the fear of the initial diagnosis, the sinking feeling of every sigh he made, going home to research it and how you feel about the surgery. Use that good descriptive abilty you have to make the reader feel your fear. And also, to make them feel your relief, your hope, your knowledge gathering. Tell the whole story.
And remember, articles are paid for by the word, so write your heart out.
traininvain reviewed Version 1 -
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Good job with the opener, using a question is a good way to hook an audience. “immedeatly” should be “immediately”. This a nice short piece, but I don’t really see it as publishable, since it’s not very informative on the specifics of retina detachment, though it conveys the emotional side nicely. Assuming you’ve had the surgery, I suggest expanding this to write about the procedure and your recovery. It would make the piece feel more whole.
Mika reviewed Version 1 -
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- “spirit medium ,just yet,” I’d take out the first comma
- “IToday” Today
- “kids , the ” no space before comma
- “unintentianally ,in ” again no comma
- the title is too wordy, especially the double usage of ‘you’. I’m sure you can shorten it up
This isn’t bad, it seems like a relatively well written short essay. It seems like you wrote this for awareness purposes? In that case, it was just personal enough, gave good details on what needed to be detailed and used a proper amount of humour. It wasn’t riveting, but it’s not the sort of thing that’s meant to be. This is like something from a textbook.
I’m not sure about publishment though. Where would it go? Newspaper article? In that case it’s decent, but as a book of works…no.
Overall, writing’s good. Not fantastic, not bad, solidly good.
Mika
trouten_m reviewed Version 1 -
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As you categorized this as non-fiction, I’m assuming its true. As such, I wish you the best. On your goals, though, I don’t understand how this in any way represents whether you have a talent worth shaping, nor do I understand why you would want this published. Very informative, though. As such, if you should decide to turn it into part of a work of fiction, I could definitely see those two goals happening. Good luck.
RhapsodyRead reviewed Version 1 -
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On a personal note :My grandmother is 83 years old and had a buckle placed on her right retina when she was in her 50’s. The surgery works! Good luck to you.
In regards to the piece you’ve written, it’s well worded and easy to follow. Keep up the good work.
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