Poetry / Dreamscape

Your use of continious rhyme was hit or miss for me. For example:
“I chose a path with chequered squares
And lived a life of scrapes and dares
I gave the west wind all my cares
Investing dreams in stocks and shares”
All of the ending words rhyme in each line. Then the next stansa has this:
“The parson advised with nose a twitch
Shackles of money wont make you rich
Lets see how you cope with the seven year itch
Then dissolved into laughter and gave himself stitch”
Which is split, so is the one after that, the the last two are like the second stansa. It just seems a little uneven and un-planned. However, the creative use of rhyme was fun to read and I enjoyed that aspect. The poem had good imagery. But the only thing holding it back are is the intermitten use of rhyme structure.

Less publishable, but definatly fun to read.

I am not a leg. publisher thats why I put one.  The way your words flow is so unbelievable.  I have come to find that poetry either sounds very mature or on the young, unexperienced side (which is mine).   It has left me speechless.  A mouse that couldnt speak…. A grandma in a pink spotty dress…Remarkable.

Applause*

Butterflyaway  

I thought this was such a cute poem!  The only line that I thought didn’t fit as well as the rest was “Then dissolved into laughter and gave himself stitch.”  It just didn’t flow as well as everything else did.  Otherwise, I thought it was just perfect!  I love how you ended it the same way you began.

I thought your write was very entertaining in it self, it had a warming effect because it made me smile. Your rhyme scheme and flow was done well. It was comedic in a sense because some things had nothing to with each other at all. I liked that. Now what threw me off was that even with rhyming at times your rhyme seemed very forced. I wish I saw a more chronoligical write of events but still it all worked. Also I enjoyed your beginning stanza and ending stanza being the same. I closed out the write for me.

i liked the vivid imagery especially the part with the mouse. made me smile. i also liked the part about giving the west wind all your cares very vivid

I loved it. I very rarely give a poetry all tens but I absulutely loved this poem. It spock to my imagination, my very soul. It was profound in its simplicity and it is exactley what I love about a poem. It took me on a lovely ride without being over dramatic. I Loved, loved, loved it.
One grammar thing:
chequered is spelled checkered.

I am adding this to my faves. :)

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April 29, 2008

by kadiya

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151	77.2% (79 votes)	38.2%

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57	F	Australia	August 09

Actually its chequered. As in the squres on a draughts board. I am english therefore spell a little differently to americans. I dont like americanizing my work particulary. Thanks for the review, and the freind request. Accepted graciously. :-)

April 30, 2008

by tisha

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26	F	Summerville, SC	August 22

Oh. I wondered. I read another guys work this morning who was from the UK. He said  eiderdown instead of quilt and I had to look it up to be sure I read it right. Anyhow, you’re work is wonderful.

April 30, 2008

by kadiya

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57	F	Australia	August 09

Cheers Tisha, Its frustrating being english! Especially when manuscript submitted to  USA agent requires americanization. Lots of work!!!

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Your work goes from bland to corn to crazy, quite a contrast & there’s nothing wrong with that but it’s uneven. Some rhythms are awkward & don’t quite work. Some rhymes are forced. However I think if you do a few more drafts, pruned & add, mull over & say the lines aloud you’ll turn this poem into a lively farce. If you work on the layout to highlight your characters & their words of wisdom your work would sparkle on the page a little more too. A breath of fresh air!

I liked this piece overall.  Having said this, I thought the rhyme scheme dragged a bit in the middle.  Perhaps changing the pattern a bit would help?  You do have very vivid images here, so much so that I could almost see some of them.  Overall, well done.

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April 17, 2008

by kadiya

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57	F	Australia	August 09

Thanks.

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First Impression: You seem to needalot of grammar added. Your sentence structure is elongated which may make this piece tedious to read. Enticing title, a hint ofstephen king maybe?

First Verse: The first line doesnt nake much sense. If you changed it to “in the distance lie these lands unseen,” it wouldbe more coherent. A period is needed at the end of each line. I think that the third line wouldsound better if you made each item in the list its own line to further highlight each item. The alliteration you used seemed to work well.

Second Verse: A period is needed at the end of the second line and a comma is needed at the end of the third line. I like your image usage here and your word choice is very precise and that helps with you imagery also.

Third Verse: I think that “a nose” is not necessary in the forst line. It makes the line sound forced. A period is needed at the end of each line in this verse. The last line here is a concern for me, if, in it, you are refering to the parson, your verb tenses need to be changed. I suggest you use, ” Then dissolve in laughter and give him a stitch.” If you are not referring to the parson then i suggest you use, “dissolve into laughter and give a stitch.” This last line, even within my changes is incoherent and i think you should take it out all together or change it to something else entirely.

Fourth Verse: A period is needed at the end of each line in this verse also. This is a good verse and, again, you used nice alliteration and some good rythmes, but at this poin i have no idea what this poem is about. You keep changing your images and they are not related at all. You need to organize your thoughts and either tie them in all together or you need to pick one central idea and stick with it. Personally, id like to hear more about the second verse.

Fifth Verse: I liked this verse alot, i did. It made me smile. You write such cute little lyrics and i think that you should maybe keep each one seperatly because none of then make sense together.

sixthe verse: a periodis needed at the end of each line here also.

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April 15, 2008

by kadiya

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57	F	Australia	August 09

HI, thanks for your review, the poem is about a dream. It has the quality of a dream in that its images are set in a dream like state. Hence the name Dreamscape and the images therein skipping around as dreams often do. Do your dreams always make sense? That was the idea, to be nonsensicle, fun, lighthearted and cute.

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That is fabulous.  Uplifting, silly, funny, quirky. Reminds me of Dr. Suess and not knowing what is coming in the next bit.  It isnt predictable which is good, keeps the reader on their toes and lets their imagination run wild with you.  Well done!