Sci Fi & Fantasy / Mad Metis [26 March 2008]
Today, we all cry. The day began, with everyone panicked and arguing like a dysfunctional family. Normal.
Anyway, Jamie busted up Alex’s car last night by being literally beaten into it by some Get of Fenris (Gets). So we had to go and have it fixed ASAP.
Lilith had to go shopping, Jamie wanted to go get some clothes with Jillian so they left.
Kieo was busy, I wanted to relax, and Zee was already off…somwhere.
I decided to go the edge of Red Talon territory to meditate. I’m so smart.
:(
I plopped down and started to breathe.
After a few moment I noticed that Jereth had appeared.
This freaked me out! I jumped! He told me that it wasn’t a good idea to be in the woods alone.
I shrugged and laughed at him. OOOOH! THE RED TALONS WILL GET ME!
He looked so serious. He told me that he wanted to challenge me for leadership.
Ok, whatever, I told him to wait, I wanted some referees. But he said this would only take a moment because there was only one rule; one of us will live and the other will die.
I thought he was joking. I was so wrong.
He started to swing his staff and I laughed, until he knocked me down.
I yelled at him to tell me what the heck he was doing. He said he explained the one rule: one will live one will die remember. I felt like Harry Potter.
Was he possesed, drunk, poisioned? Talk about entering the Twilight Zone. Do-do-do-do…
He got his air daggers out. Crap.
He cut my arm up bad and my only weapon, Mr. Knife, was lost in the woods.
Changing into Lupus, I ran from the mad Metis. It was getting dark, I din’t want to be in Red Talon territory in the middle of the night. They were probably eating buck guts and enjoying the show.
Stupid branches, stupid rocks, stupid cold. The water was so cold, I was trying to loose my scent, but Jereth was already there.
He threw a knife at me and it hit, ow, ow, ow!
I ran and ran, Jereth kept speaking to me like a crazy, about BSDs and how they were going to help him, blah, blah, blah.
There was a cliff. I didn’t care, I just howeled in ditress and jumped.
I was lucky. There was a ledge to save me from ultimate death.
I could hear Jereth sliding down after me. I growled in my Lupus form. I didn’t care why anymore. I had to kill him.
I switched into Glabro and lunged at him.
I was too slow. He grabbed me by the neck and just threw me off the cliff.
I caught onto a branch and he leapt up.
Good, he thought I was dead. I clawed into the wall and started climbing up.
My arms were aching and my claws bled.
A fog was falling over the cliff. My heart pounded. I heard gunshots and shouts.
Exhausted, but healing slowly, I saw Alex there like a knight in armor. Breathing heavily I roared and barged into the fog.
Zee came out of nowhere and there was a thump, growls, yells and screams.
The fog started to clear slowly and we saw Zee and Jereth fightin in mid air.
Zee was pounding on Jereth. HOORAY! GO ZEE GO!
Jereth fell away and seemed to fly into the distance. WTF? Both can fly?
Teal’c threw some fire balls. Only suceeding in fire risk.
Zee looked down and fell like on of those Wiley Coyote cartoons.
I slid down the hill to grab Zee, followed in a long chain of arms pulling us up. I hugged him so hard fleas and all.
We were happy until we found Kieo’s body was there with one straight hit in the back of the head.
Jillian was it tears, I was in shock, Alex escaped to the house, Teal’c started to dig a hole way too large and Zee was…I dunno.
I wanted to go to bed. My body was tired, my mind couldn’t deal with this until morning.
Finally I got up and Teal’c, stopped me and he wanted to point out what exactly happened to Kieo before he died. I was only half paying attention but understood that Kieo suffered little.
Lilith had locked herself in her own room and refused to come out. Jillian put the body in the garage and sat down. Teal’c decided to go pounding out a coffin with way too many nails. Alex had decided that he should break the new via the Beta VR unit. Let me just say that they chopped off his head when they heard the news. I wanted to get this whole news thing over with so that we can close up this wound ASAP.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Okay. I won’t edit. However I am left with little to say, so I hope I don’t violate any rules. The story is okay, could be interesting, but I’m sorry to say I don’t care for it. To me it’s like a skeleton walking around, crying for flesh. The words go whizzing by in a narration that I consider sort of dull. Boy, I hate to critize like this, but if this were food and I was hungry I’d have to start eating my own flesh or something to survive. I’m really sorry. But that’s my opinion and I seem to be getting caught up in my morbid metaphores here…
- add/view comments (1)
There are things here I like and things I dislike. I think the short, snappy sentences of this presented as some sort of stream of consciousness crossed with a weird blog can work pretty well. It’s an odd style, but one I quite like and it definitely has potential. As for the story itself, I’m not such a fan. I think it manages to be both very simplistic and overly complicated. You’ve got shapeshifters and fights and knives and cars and a whole mix of things, very little of which is explained. I don’t mind filling in the gaps in stories and like to be challenged, but this was far more gap than substance. The characters lack depth in the short space of time we get to know them, so I never identify or care about any of them at all.
Another note about the style is that whilst I like it and the concept, I think typos in it are unnecessary. When you spell ‘poisoned’ wrong it doesn’t seem intentional, it just seems like you didn’t proof-read it, as there are very few others in the text.
So, overall there is potential there, but it gets a little lost in the mix.
Sweetie you don’t need me to critique you. Your are an awsome writer and just need to let yourself out. SOME people need to understand this is more of a BLOG than a story, so they need to button up their lips and shut up.
So how have you been doing? I haven’t heard from you in a while, you have to give me a buzz ok?
Anyway, I hope your story won’t end here, so keep playing and writng. I know RPing can be tiring so just keep at it. And I hope you can keep your players interested.
Showing 1 - 3 of 3
Review item
Add to faves
GENERAL
REVIEW QUEUE
Ratings & Rankings
