Poetry / Defender

Without the notes the poem does not mention who the defender is or what he is defending so it is hard to know who the defender is. This should be brought up in the poem for a poem should be able to stand on its own. This is valiant poem of honor and good, but there are some weak spots. L1, he is a defender by choice or not, which is it? How does one walk the walls? What does that mean? On land sea or in the air has been used many times over and is not so inventive. WIth some edits, this could be a solid poem.

This poem has a fantastic message behind it.  The rhyme scheme seems a bit forced, “faces,places”  ”fair, air”, and I wonder if it could be reworded to alleviate that issue.  Adjusting the rhyme scheme would also improve the flow  of the piece.

This came off as simple and straightforward first time around. The second, I felt it had more depth, especially in the last lines of the poem. They were powerful, it left me guessing if respect was really gained and whether you really feel the flag is being respected or not.  
The subject matter of the piece gives it automatic resonance. This is compounded by its modest delivery. You were just doing your job, yet your job was enormous. Not only were you protecting your friends, but what you were supposed to be fighting for, your country.

I’m not much for technicality, as long as it reads smooth and a message is delivered in a personable way. I thought you accomplished this well.  

Interesting rhyming poem. Careful of the forced rhymes.

Note your meter:

S1: 12, 8, 10, 15, 7, 9
S2: 11, 9
S3: 8, 8, 8, 8
S4: 8, 10

Except for the 3rd stanza, it’s all over the board.

Be careful of the “to be” verb “am,” “been,” and “have,” and look for active verbs. Even in poetry is distances the reader from the action and personalizes to the writer, not the reader.

Copyedit:

“whether”
“familiar”
“life’s”

Content-wise, you speak for your friend well.

I like the idea behind this. The first stanza is great. On the third, maybe something like “My life’s blood was freely spilled” would go better with the next line. In the next, “Anything and rings” do not rhyme, but you could change one of them to match the other. “Earned” in the last doesn’t go with “Burn” however, this too can be solved easily by either removing and “ed” or adding one. Keep writing.

Very paradoxical: the concept of one to defend something only to have it spit back in one’s face. This is a good read, and can be altered slightly both by diction and syntax and would add greater depth. Imagery was pretty solid, but not too metaphoric. Again, a good read.

I really like this piece. I’m not sure there’s any way I could tell you how to improve it, still I can say that some will like it and some will. My reasoning for saying that is that war and fighting usually have two different types of critics. Those that agree with it and the self righteous who don’t.