Poetry / Pupil

While there’s a strong sense of line, & I like that in a poem, there’s also a tendency toward the familiar (cliche’) phrases. It’s good stuff for a twelve year old to write “broken bottles & shattered dreams,” but the later poet should take pains to reinvestigate, reimagine, those parts. Thinking up really new phrases, seeing things for the first time, before anyone else, well, that’s the reason for writing & reading poetry. Otherwise, it’s just a journal entry—there’s a lot of potential here to be more than ordinary angst. Consider what kind of poetic devices might help… an illustrative metaphor, a sharpening of detail, some surprises in diction…

Work on it.

I think you revealed what the bottles mean too early in the poem.  I like the images of broken glass in a parking lot, but since you revealed that they are in fact “broken dreams” the poem looses its energy.  I also think the other things you find in a parking lot should have character.  Like the cars, asphalt, lights, ect.  

You could have a very powerful metaphoric poem if you apply some thought to what the rest of the scene means.  Happy Writing

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February 26, 2008

by Kane6505

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24	F	Poway, CA	September 03

I had the same thoughts. I haven’t worked on this poem since I wrote it many, many years ago so I am trying to get more input before I edit it. Thank you so much for your advice.

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This is better than some of us old folks can do at 99! If you are still into writing take the reviewers ideas, not mine cause I’m not that good at poetry form, but I love most of the lines and what they make you feel, like the magic you once knew, yeah, I remember that feeling…fix it up and repost.  

I like the way you use the phrase “Your young,” and “Because your young.” The repetition gets the point across and at the same time isn’t used too much. Nice combination there. Also like “but, still, it’s unrecognizable, like the magic you once knew.” In a way I’m wondering if this refers to the childlike perception of the world. In which everything is simple, carefree and flowing. Overall I enjoyed the read and could find next to nothing wrong with this. Though I do not understand the lines “See only what you choose to feel, feel only what you choose to hate.” In this world we are forced to see everything and try as we might can’t take away the element of emotion. It’s already factored into our human nature.

It was very nicely written, its form and imagery were great, it had the feeling of unbridled youth and a sageness at the same time, I feel if you worked with the point of view of the sage you’ll have a masterwork.