haha. we’re even now.
Short Story / Puzzle Pieces
Puzzle Pieces
“I hadn’t been to work in four weeks, but I still dressed the part because if my roommates knew I’d been fired, they would’ve kicked me out the day of. We tolerate each other like that. So I left every morning and went to the campus down the street to use their free WIFI and knit. That’s where I met Brian. He was on his laptop, probably doing more than loitering, sitting a few tables over from me. We had been making eye contact and I could tell he wasn’t the type to make the first move, so I introduced myself. I felt obligated.
I just went up to him and said, ‘Hey. I’m Vicky.’ He didn’t seem surprised that I’d come over.
He didn’t even look up from his work. He just said, ‘Hi Vicky,’ like he didn’t care if I stayed or left. And that’s how it started. He said hello, and since, I don’t think he’s said goodbye. He always insists he’ll see me later, or catch me tomorrow. But I’m not so sure. I’m not really the type to be caught.
I even invited him to a few of my parties (that’s what I do for money – outside of knitting – throw parties) and he said ‘No’ every time, even though I promised not to charge him at the door. I don’t know anyone else who could turn down a free party. Everybody I know well enough to call a friend (or in some cases a roommate), I’ve met at a party. That’s why I meet him every morning at the campus. Well, that – and I have to pretend to go to work.
He always asks me questions like, ‘So why don’t you have a job?’ He’s been a buyer for the vintage shop a few blocks from the campus library for at least four years.
I figured there’s no reason to lie this early, so I told him, ‘I got fired.’
He didn’t seem too surprised by this, but he insisted on me telling him what happened and asked if I had started looking for another job. He’d mentioned a few times that his job kept him afloat, so I understood his concern. I just told him the truth.
‘I never showed up on time and I didn’t really like it anyway. I mean, could you picture me working in a bookstore?’ He laughed when I told him that. I obviously don’t look like the type.
‘At least now I know you can read.’ That was his attempt at a joke, I suppose. I lied and said he was funny, which he ate up.
‘I try,’ that was his reply. Kinda weak. He didn’t let the subject stay on himself for too long of course. He had to ask, ‘Do you make a lot of money doing parties? And knitting for people?’ I could tell he was mocking me, so I set him straight.
‘If you’d show up, you’d see for yourself! My parties are legendary! $5 a person. At least two-hundred-and-fifty people at every party. Minus the DJ and the venue cost, which I pay out per month, at two parties a month – I get $1500 every three or four weeks! That’s not including the cut we get from the photographer, the non-alcoholic drinks at the bar, or the raffles we do for my hats.’ He didn’t seem impressed, so I had to throw in that, ‘My knitting does okay too. I get more when I have orders from retailers than when I knit individual pieces for people. Probably made about $400 from it this month.’ Not many other people I know could live off of knitting and parties, and I mentioned that to him a few times, not that he cared.
‘So that’s how you guys keep the apartment?’ He asked me that more than once. He lived alone. I live with two other people in a three bedroom apartment in University Village. The rent is decent because everything over there is priced for the students.
‘That – and my roommates have jobs. They kind of hate me,’ which is true. ‘I don’t blame them.’
‘Well I hate you too.’ He had a smirk on his face when he said it, jokingly of course. ‘You make rent having fun. Must be nice.’ He was clearly still mocking me.
‘Doing parties isn’t fun! Anyway, my roomates don’t even know I lost my job – and they hate me anyway. I do the parties for rent only. I’d much rather have a salary job. More reliable. Wouldn’t have to worry about shady club owners. And I think I get drunk too much. Occupational hazard.’ He wasn’t buying it.
‘You love it. Don’t lie.’ That was his comeback.
I was beginning to think there was some truth to his hating me, so I told him, ‘It’s a decent way to live – for now. But I’ll be twenty-five soon. Then thirty.’ He laughed at my liberal math, but it’s true, thirty sneaks up on you. Anyway, that’s when I said, ‘I’m not just a party girl. I’ve had more fun doing other things, you know.’ This, he absolutely didn’t believe.
‘Like what?’
I told him about my mother – about going to work with her when I was little and watching her, dressed in her sparkly outfit and shiny tights. Watching her balance what had to be a hundred drinks on a tray no bigger than his laptop and slide between patrons and gamblers and people too drunk to know their own bodies from hers and still look beautiful. I used to watch her snap men out of inebriation to tip her so that when she left, she could buy me whatever I wanted. Every kid wished they could have been there, instead of tucked in bed. My friends used to try on her work clothes when they came over the house and my teacher told her she couldn’t come back in for career day. She was jealous. ‘But that wasn’t the fun part,’ I told him.
He looked disappointed. ‘Then what was the point of that story?’ He sounded like he thought I was wasting his time, so I got to the point.
‘On her days off, we did puzzles.’ His mouth literally dropped and I can’t see why. Puzzles are a perfectly reasonable way to spend a Saturday afternoon, especially when you know you won’t get the chance to do it again for weeks.
He really thought I was full of it. ‘Puzzles?’ He must have asked me that three or four times.
I told him me and my mom used to do ‘Those one-thousand-piece puzzles. She didn’t have many days off, but when she did, we’d pull our puzzle mat from under her bed and pick up where we left off. I don’t think we ever finished one, but we started a lot.’ He told me I seemed like the type that wouldn’t finish a puzzle.
He was heading out on his way to work, long after we’d changed the subject when he told me, ‘I didn’t peg you for a puzzle girl.’
I’m sure he was still mocking me, and I’m not one to let a joke die out. ‘I’m not a puzzle girl. I’m a party girl. Remember?’ I was trying to be coy, but I don’t think it worked.
He said, ‘I know,’ without skipping a beat. I really don’t think he takes me seriously. But I still like spending time with him. Then he said something that surprised me. ‘You know, my store might want to buy some of those hats you make. They’re alright. You should make me one.’ He told me to stop by at lunch.
I think I sold about ten hats to his boss. He’s a good guy.” I smile, staring into the uniform ceiling tiles, happy at the memory of my new friend.
“Alrighty. I get it. I get it.” Hearing the nurse’s voice immediately jars me from my telling of the past four weeks’ events into the present – my bare legs scraping the abrasive bedding in a cold and impersonal hospital room, its florescent lights beaming so brightly onto my skin, I wonder how I’ve forgotten where I am. She looks down at her watch, signaling to me that my answer was longer than she had anticipated. “I guess I can let him in – If he’s even still in the waiting room after that story. I wanted to know how you knew the young man because, you know, I’m not supposed to let anyone in if they’re not related. I’m not a stickler for the rules. I just want to make sure he’s not a crazy person trying to sneak in to see sick people. But it sounds like you two have a lot of fun together.” I can tell she makes a lot of exceptions. “Just this once. It’ll be our secret.” I laugh at how many secrets she must pride herself in keeping.
“Thanks nurse. You’re nicer than the last guy. He wouldn’t even let my roomates in.”
She leans to me and whispers, “I know. He’s a real asshole. None of the other nurses like him.” She giggles and saunters out of the room. Brian peeks his head around the open door seconds later and I smile.
“Hey you.” I’m happy to see his face. “They said only family could come in. I was just about to leave and the nurse…”
“Yea, I know. Sorry it took so long. She wanted to know how I knew you. What did you tell her?”
He doesn’t answer my question. “I guess I was a little worried. You weren’t at campus yesterday. Then I remembered the card you left at the store and I called your apartment. Your roommate told me what happened at your party the other night.”
“Yea. A few of us passed out. Something in the drinks, I guess.” He seems puzzled by my lack of distress. “And I’m thrilled to know that my roommates are sharing my whereabouts with people they’ve never met!”
“It seems like they’re used to getting calls from strange guys – about you. And sorry; they figured out that you haven’t been going to work. Anyway, you’re going to get sued.”
“Not me. The bar.” I laugh at the severity of it all. “So you lied and told the nurse you were, what, my brother?”
“No. Whatever you said must have made her let me in.” He shrugs, shakes the contents of a wrapped box and hands it to me. “I just asked her if I could bring you this puzzle.”
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plotjuggler reviewed Version 3 -
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I read this twice because I felt like I didn’t “get some of it”. I may not have perceived it the way you had intended. No matter. It may be exactly the way you want it. It is far from a poor piece of work. I think what might be effecting my perception is the narrative voice and some of the dialogue may be just similar enough that the “individual voice” is not as defined as I’m trying to “hear” it. If you don’t grasp what I am saying and no one else says anything similar then kindly ignore this. I am far from any “expert”. This review is in no way meant to belittle your story.
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Alexavier reviewed Version 3 -
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Throughout the story i was a little curious where its going and i lost interest, but I decided to keep on. The ending ws cute but I would like to hear more about the incident at the party. I like your characters but they seem very stocky maybe because of the college setting. The guy seems very robotic and because the story is kinda weak i think you mean for the characters to compell the reader. If thats the case develop them both more.
mm_storyteller reviewed Version 3 -
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Overall I enjoyed this story. I think you explained the characters well, and have room to expand them. I like the way the relationship between the two main characters is developing. Be careful on tense,”So I left every morning and went to the campus down the street to use their free WIFI and knit.” should be “So I leave every morning…” this helps the flow, and I think fits in better with the tense used earlier. Good job and thanks for the read.
mm_storyteller
caralynn reviewed Version 3 -
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it’s very interesting, though i didn’t get who vicky was talking to until you mention the nurse way later in the story. can you mention it sooner without giving away that she’s in the hospital? it was just a little disconcerting to all of a sudden be there. that said i like the ‘ongoing conversation’ style. i feel like i know the character of Vicky and empathize with her but don’t feel the same depth of empathy for Brian. i don’t feel like i know enough about him for him to do something so personal for vicky as to bring her the puzzle. hope this helps. good luck with the story.
VeeLee reviewed Version 3 -
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There’s a lot that I like about this story—the conversational tone is inviting, and is fitting for Vicky’s character. We get a pretty good idea of who she is and what motivates her. Brian is more of an enigma, though. I want to get into his head, see what makes him tick. Less dialogue and more action between the two of them would help that.
As to the structure: once I reached the end of the story, the way Vicky presents the timeline of their relationship made sense—the jumbled up sequence of their first conversation and subsequent conversations. While I was in the midst of reading it though, it was confusing, and took me out of the story. We have to wait a long time before we get to the end and reach an understanding of what’s being presented. I think Vicky’s telling could be a lot shorter and still have the same impact.
I hope that’s helpful. Good luck.
Curtastrophe reviewed Version 3 -
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Ok, opening sentences needn’t only be strong, but convey some sort of message to the reader right? Well, this starts of with the main character talking about her being fired from work. Why was she fired? And then it goes into how she makes enough money outside of work, but doesn’t go into any detail about that either. I’m not saying your opening sentences are horrible, but I’d suggest giving at least a sentence explaining what purpose they have to the story – Why they’re there.
“And he was wearing one of those Cosby sweaters.” Isn’t this from a movie? High Fidelity perhaps… It just sounds like something I’ve heard before.
Okay, so you’ve established that Vicky throws parties as a source of outside income. Is she a party planner? Or is she just the person who buys a keg and rolls up to someone’s house and says, “Let’s have a party!” Though I like the premise of it, it lacks any sort of depth.
To me this reads more like a journal entry or a letter to a friend than a short story. There’s really no character build-up. We know Vicky knits and likes to throw parties. Her crush works. They talk alot about superficial things. There’s really no conflict, no action, or climax. Some other people may like this, but it just wasn’t for me. Sorry.
-Curt
smithk89 reviewed Version 3 -
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Hmmmm…interesting…good pace…holds the reader’s attention…but there’s just something about the dialouge. I think that maybe it sounds more as though she’s writing and not speaking. See, here’s the thing, As she tells the story you begin to get a sense of her and her personality, and it’s not completely meshing with the way she speaks. (Not all the time, mind you, just in some places). For example, when she begins by saying ““I hadn’t been to work in four weeks, but I still dressed the part because if my roommates knew I’d been fired….and so on. a phrase like “I still dressed the part” doesn’t come out of a person’s mouth all that often (unless they’re british and recounting a story over a spot of tea “Quite so, old chum.” “Indeed”). Here’s what one of my profs told me to do to make your dialouge as real as you can: act it out! Lay down on your bed, close your eyes, pretend you are the character speaking to the nurse and start talking. Remember, you’re really trying to influence her, but you’ve also just been through a traumatic ordeal. Just start saying what would come out of this person’s mouth.
Maybe more like:
“Look, this all started about four weeks ago. I lost my job, and I knew that if my roomates found out, they’d probably have me out on my ass before I could explain….so I didn’t tell them. I just kept getting dressed for work and leaving at the same old time…..”
Not all that much different, right? but maybe just a bit more urgent. But again, this is good, really. I enjoyed reading it. Nice change of pace for me.
mollyp reviewed Version 3 -
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I liked the story. The LINUS blanket, great. On page 6- I wasn’t creepy- should it be It wasn’t creepy? Really threw me when it became third person in the hospital. Brian and Vicky are made for each other. Looking forward to more.
PizzaDeliveryBoy reviewed Version 3 -
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Listen, that was a great story! The end was a surprise and really, for the most part, canceled a lot of the comments i had written down prior to the end.
You said you wanted to advice on character development so ill focus on that.
First off, i really liked the contrast of the two characters—got a picture in my head of both, the smart, different, spontaneous whatever girl vs the college, doesnt show his arms off, thinks hes funny guy. Really nice. You could have done more! I wanted to know more about both.
The line: He has no idea how he sounds. I swear he thinks he’s clever. Funny. Gives us a good idea about him. Kind of nerdy. I wanted more from the girl too. Did she hate high school? etc. I guess i dont even know exactly what i want (mostly because i was really happy with the story) Just more on her.
The line, “But you know that already, you saw him.” was excellently done! As i was reading it i was a bit confused but at the end, clearly it made sense. Nice!
Also the part about getting the hand made hat thing was really well done.
The one nit-picking comment i have is with the line “My friends used to try on her work clothes when they came over the house and my teacher told her she couldn’t come back in for career day. She was jealous. ” Im not sure if Jealous is the right word. She was jealous of all the other mothers? Or hurt?
Thats all. Like i said it was a really satisfying story. Intelligent. Witty. And well-constructed.
Thanks for the read
PeanutButter reviewed Version 3 -
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This was a well written peice. I loved the ending, very moving. Although I think this could have been better if you had givine us a little description of Vic and Brian. It wasn’t until I got to the second paragraph that I discovered that this wasn’t Yaoi, gay romance, and that our narrator was a girl. The dialog is excalent but I just had a hard time visuallizing the whole thing. Good work though.
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