Because He Had To
I missed the cool, outside breeze as I crossed into the stale and musty air of the thrift store, my skin and the pigment of my shirt dimming under the flickering florescent lights. Neon shoulder-padded power suits hung above the rigid metal racks around the perimeter of the store, reminding the clothes on my back that one day soon, it would be their turn. I felt them shudder at the sight – at bedazzled blouses and hyper-bright neon track jackets fastened by tacks to the wall, at their peers branded by staples and numbered card stock, assigned values not worth them, segregated by color.
Just beyond a sanded and feeble dining set were shopping carts, one of which I wrestled from the pack. Its wheels each moved independently of the others, but it was likely that this was the best of the bunch. I mushed on, despite the headstrong cart, to my favorite section. Nowhere else in the city could vintage screen tees be found for under a dollar. This store was my secret. I sifted through faded and pilled shirts – red, orange, and yellow – finding Nick Jr., Kool-Aid and Dolittle Class of 1981 tees, flooding me with accomplishment for having graduated 6 years before I was born. My search through the green and blue tees netted sartorial odes to Hong Kong Phooey and Pink Floyd. I snatched the tees from their wire hangers and dropped into my cart. As I began into the purples, blacks and grays, my hand grazed another.
The handsome owner of the hand quickly drew it back as he closed the window we had created across the aisles. Rushing around the racks, I was determined to meet him again. I unconvincingly shuffled through items while staring at him, the brim of his cap bent upward at an impossibly obtuse angle. The sweatshirt he wore was made of geometric cutouts whose colors couldn’t be dreamt together if not on the top he wore, his jeans subtly acid washed so subtly I couldn’t tell if I only wished it, to complete his perfection. They tapered gracefully behind the tongue of his sneakers. I was convinced he had saved them for this day, anticipating our meeting.
Because I felt myself becoming foolish, attempting to imagine some phrase to introduce myself to him, I decidedly restricted my comments for the person I pretended to text, my only sound excuse for keeping my eyes pointed downward at his shoes, wishing they were mine.
“I see you bought that chain.” I was sure he couldn’t have been speaking to me and smashed my head downward, searching my collar for the presence or absence of the gold chain I wore everyday without fail. I made no reply, gazing ahead, feeling my neck for the chain I knew was there.
“I saw that chain here last week. I WAS gonna get it then, but I didn’t have enough money for it.” He moved closer to me, motioning at my neck. “That’s the main reason I came back today: to buy that chain, but it was gone. And here you are wearing it.” He laughed. I could not. “It’s all good though.” He shrugged.
“Yea. I saw it last Tuesday and…”
“I was here Tuesday!” He cut me off. “Well, great minds – you know the rest.” He thought my mind was great. The feeling was mutual. I never saw anyone my age at this thrift store, someone without more children in their cart than clothes. I knew immediately that this store was no longer my secret and would surely be flooded by Northside hipsters before my next visit.
“Yea. Sometimes they do!” I laughed far too enthusiastically. There were obviously no more words to be had between us.
“Well, enjoy the chain!” He paused, started away, then turned back. “You’re welcome.” I watched him disappear into the dust of the store. Beginning to itch as I always do in thrift stores, I made my way to the checkout counter where he was waiting.
“You again!” I laughed. His brilliant teeth commanded me to.
He took his items, including a chain I had earlier spotted, and placed them on the counter. I mulled briefly over my enamel bangles and necklaces made of something emulating gold, then walked to stand behind him in line. I was proud of my finds and hoped he would take notice of the things in my cart.
But his impression of my cart was paled in comparison to mine of his, filled with used children’s coats and toys and games and books – A small purse and a worn doll with strands of yarn missing from its nearly barren head! He flashed a knowing grin. “For my daughter.” In his wallet were pictures of a small girl of 2 or 3 years.
“She’s adorable.” I forced an uncomfortable smile at the picture, forgetting the fantasies of him to which my mind had given way.
“That’ll be $33.90.” A round woman in a dirty apron threw the last of his things into a non-descript plastic bag.
“Did you say $33.90?” He searched his wallet for the extra money he knew wasn’t there and his mind for an excuse. “Um. How much was that chain?” the impatient woman behind the counter fished through the bag she had strewn it into.
“$4.” He stared at the chain, breaking only to recount his money and the pictures of the little girl in his open wallet.
“I don’t need it. I’ll take everything else though.” A quick glance helped him gauge how much embarrassment the situation merited and there I was. “I guess you can get this chain too.” An awkward smile, unlike the others he had shown me, reluctantly lifted from the corner of his mouth as he handed me the chain.
I took $4 from my pocket and slid it to the irritable woman behind the counter, not breaking my gaze from his. “I’m good. Trust me. I have enough of these at home. My neck is turning green.” He laughed and didn’t argue against my kindness, but nodded an understood thank you, paying for his daughter’s things. I then realized we were not here for the same reasons, that he was not at the thrift store because it was cool. He shopped there because he had to.
I haven’t seen him since.
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When you describe something, it has more of an impact if you use only one description. For example: you had mentioned the neon power suits, but you weakened it by saying it was shoulder-padded.
I love your anthropomorphism of the clothes. It also seems like a subtle reference to slavery.
I really like this piece and how you wrapped up the title so well at the end. One thing that is difficult to achieve in this short of a story is character growth, but in this you did well. I think the change could have been stronger if you showed your character just a tad more shallow in the beginning by focusing more on her and why she’s there and less on the clothes.
aww, it’s so sad, lol. my heart nearly broke, but it is beautiful.
“his jeans subtly acid washed so subtly I couldn’t tell if I only wished it,” in this line did you mean to use the word, subtly, twice? i couldn’t tell.
what i really like about this story was the rarity of cliches. i don’t think you used one, though you did allude to ‘great minds think alike,’ you didn’t actually, “go for the gold.” (lol, yeah it was a corny one, i know)
anyway, yes…well-written. i love the description and the vibe you give of being in a second-hand shop is spot on.
i could really see this in a short-story compilation.
Over all a decent piece. You seem to capture each of these characters in a tight snapshot that you flash at the reader quickly.
Your dialogue seems a little forced at times. But is mostly pretty solid.
I do feel that you took a little too much time at the beginning to get through the descriptions. I guess you were a little over-descriptive. Weed some of it out so that you can get to the real story a little quicker. Obviously you shouldn’t cut out the whole section, but get out of the charatcer’s head a little quicker, if you please. It bogs down the piece and slows the pace as-is.
I liked this story a lot, it was extremely descriptive, and it flowed beautifully! I understood everything that was going on, and it held my attention. Keep it up!
POV: 1st person POV narrative, good for getting into ego’s head deeper.
CHARACTER: The shift to personalizing the clothes in the first paragraph was a bit jolting. Suggest avoiding that, as it really avoids the focus of 1st person POV narrative, and that is ego. I would’ve liked to see deeper into ego, for her sense of self, especially in light of the theme. A sense of awareness by the end (so we have some character development or growth, or at least a real sense of “A-ha!”
SETTING: I would’ve liked a bit more of the setting later in the piece, since you opened with a strong sense of it.
PLOT: A girl meets boy with a twist. Not much to say. For a short piece, it does the trick.
THEME: I would’ve liked to see some foreshadowing of the difference between shopping because you have to and shopping for the bargains. This can underscored through suble observations of the shoppers in the store.
STRUCTURE: Your writing style is a pleasure to read. Clean, interesting lines. 4th paragraph needs to be shot…break it up a bit. “spotted earlier” – the reverse was a bit awkward. The paragraph before ends on a preposition, so it’s awkward. Uncapitalize after the hyphen [a]. 3rd last sentence, ending on “was” is awkward.
OVERALL, you can write. With some focus on tightening story elements you could be a great writer…I rarely, rarely say that.
I think the imagery in the beginning of the story is really perfect, but it does fade towards the end. Was it a old snap shot of the girl? Was the wallet cloth, leather, tattered, held together with tape? Really good story overall.
Dear Writer, Beautiful story. It flowed nicely till I got to this part:
I snatched the tees from their wire hangers and dropped into my cart. As I began into the purples, blacks and grays, my hand grazed another.
The handsome owner of the hand quickly drew it back as he closed the window we had created across the aisles.
I think the paragraph that (I snatched the tees…) should have been the beginning of the following paragraph (The handsome owner) The break there lost me because the character was grabbing tees and I ended up missing that there was a second person there looking for shirts.
Lastly I think the story should have ended with the sentence (I then realized we were not here for the same reasons.) Less is more if you lend it there and the impact of the situation is stronger. Your reader will know without you giving more that he needed to shop there.
Your story has very nice character development and story development.
Smile,
PrincessC
I thought it was very sweet story. Very well written with excellent imagery. I could definitely visualize the dusty thrifty store and array of vintage tees. I was even impress with the way the story was belied with a hint of romance as well as moral lesson at the end. Can’t think of much to add or change to this to make it any better. Good job. I look forward to seeing more of your work.
by tacks to the wall, at their peers branded by staples—this sentence is confusing. Should “at” be “and”
Dolittle Class of 1981 tees, flooding me with accomplishment for having graduated 6 years before I was born.--- I love this line. Very amusing.
and dropped into my cart—- should be “dropped them into my cart”
Well told story, I really enjoyed the details in the beginning o fyour story. You convey to the reader how excited you are to be in the thrift store, and make seem appealing to everyone. I also like the way you end the story. The description of the man buying clothes for his daughter and having to be there rather then wanting to like yourself makes for a good story ending. At the same time I applaud you for not bein goverly cliche, nor reflecting too much on the main characters selfless act of buying the chain. It is just straight forward. Good job, I enjoyed reading the story.
I would avoid passive tense because it removes the power from the story example: ”...one of which I westled from the pack.”-“I westled one from the pack.”
I like the referance to back, maybe you should add a little more a hunt mode to the story while you in the store to keep the theme going.
I like how the character makes the managers simple wear seem sexy and alluring. It’s funny and adds to her puppy love.
“I never saw anyone my age at this thrift store, someone without more children in their cart than clothes.”-this line made me laugh out loud! Very witty.
Wow, that ending was a surprise. I like the contrast between the two chracacters. You could deepen the contrast by adding some more details, but it’s clear enough.
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