Lyrics / "A STROLL IN THE PARK"(with you)

These lyrics are heartwarming, they remind me of Kinya ( I believe thats her name) Dawson or a song the moldy peaches would write.
Nice job :]

I want to be that girl who captured someone’s heart like that. I really like this, it make me feel all warm and fuzzy. Too cute!

I think this is nice as a poem but as a song I find it hard to catch a melody. I think you should spend more time describing what its like to be with you and not things that you see stolling in the park. it’s nice, it just needs more intamacy

The lyrics are really good! I love the verses because it describes just another day with the love of your life, but the thing is… it isn’t just another day. Love is suspenseful, not dependable. It’s nice to take a day off from the stresses of life and just be… I love it! Thanks for a FANTASTIC read. Hardcore Writer.

Lyrics are hard to review, but I will do my best:

Your choices of words were well, and I recieved an EXCELLENT image of the park, so you mastered the part of imagery in your song well. The idea seemed a little quirky though, and it seems like it is missing a lot. Almost corny like – try making it more realistic and able to appeal to the music lyrics of today.  

I like the way you describe everything….very picturesque….it puts me there in the park….I can see the kites, the kids, smell the flowers, hear the bees…......although I don’t think it would be commercial as it reads, too quick, unless you had long instrumentals, or it was really a ballad and slow..not sure what melody you have in mind…....which would then stretch it to 3:00 or so…....just my take on it for what it’s worth….I hope to read more from you, I really enjoyed this piece…....I also liked that you could , after each line almost follow it with “a stroll in the park with you” ......thats how you know a song is as tight lyrically as possible….if you can tie the title back in after each line…...good job!!! Keep them coming!!!

It’s a pretty simple song, but depending on the music it could create a nice feel.  It doesn’t have to be deep and convoluted poetry to work as a song.

The stanzas seem to work at building the senses of the park one at a time.  I like this format, though you don’t follow it very strongly.  It goes from the environment (breezy, warm, calm blue) to the people a little abruptly.

“Parents pushing their small children”—doesn’t quite fit.  The next three lines follow a theme of the sounds of the park.  Many people could relate subconsciously to the squeaking of a metal swingset.  But the first line is devoid of sound.  Maybe better to talk of the children themselves laughing, gasping, squealing, etc.

“Your love reveals all these [sights]”—this should really be your theme for the song and your strongest line.  I don’t know that through the preceding lines it gets built up at all or that the lines that follow it properly show it off.

“I hope all hearts cupid will strike/With a love nothing like”  —The twist of phrase here is a little strained.  Then the second line makes it seem like you are hoping nobody gets anything close to what you’re experiencing on walking in the park.  That’s … a little … spiteful for someone lost in love’s bliss, no?

eh, I really thought you should ditch psyched, I don’t think it fit.  Then the only other line that needs work is the cupid will strike line, I didn’t care for the image during the park scene, seemed too cartoonish or something.  I’ll come back again and see if it settles with me any better.

Other than that I say it has a folk flavor to it.  I could see this as lyrics.

much love.

The song seems like a light jazz standard, and could work OK in this genre. What this song is missing right now is the chorus. You end each verse with the hook. Fine. But you need a great chorus.

Proofreading notes:
bumble bee’s (delete apostrophe)
anymore psyched = any more

I can hear this song in one of the old black and white movies, sung by Bob Hope or Bing Crosby.  Love it!