I appreciate this review; thank you for both sides…what’s good and what needs work!
: )
Poetry / With Me
Early in the morning
As the sun breaks the horizon,
I sense you sitting near me.
I know you are there;
I feel you in my soul.
Never do I need to turn my head
To see you at my side;
I trust that you are there.
Because of you,
Life’s troubles seem to cease
For time being.
Your voice sometimes seems distant
And sometimes close to my ear,
But no matter how far it may be
You will always by in my heart.
I thank you with my whole heart
For being a friend.
A friend is very special,
And I want you to know…
I love you.
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Joel reviewed Version 1 -
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L3, I think I would prefer ‘I sense your nearness’
L4-8, You are pretty much saying the same thing in these lines. That is okay, but it is better if you release a little more information, that you make the picture more complete, as you do this.
L10, I would like it better if it were more definite. Drop the ‘seems’
L11-12, you need something in between these lines to more smoothly move the reader to the new perspective.
L15-16, you end both sentences in ‘heart’. This is awkward and evaporates your meter.
L18, should either be dropped or drawn in an image. Don’t tell me a friend is ‘special’, show it to me.
I hope that helps,
Joel.
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FireflyDreams reviewed Version 1 -
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The message radiated with me so that was nice. I loved the opening! “Early in the morning, As the sun breaks the horizon, I sense you sitting near me.” However, after that it was difficult reading with no concrete rhythm or stanza format. I would personally love to see this reworked so that it flowed off the tongue when you read it out aloud. However, if that is not your wish then maybe you should think about reformating it into a more modern prose? JMHO, take it for whats it worth.
jaw0662 reviewed Version 1 -
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That was very beautifully written. Very heartwarming.
Wrath reviewed Version 1 -
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touching, very romantic, id like to see you write with a darker theme, i think it would be interesting, if you ever do, or already have, please let me know. I do like this one though, its really emotional, and it does a good job of symbolizing a love beyond life and beyond everything
klg143 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very sweet and endearing. The beginning is lovely, very peaceful; “I feel you in my soul” is lovely and heartfelt. However, from “But no matter how far it may be” on, even though it may be just as heartfelt, it begins to seem trite. I would especially suggest some changes to “You will always by in my heart.” One, this is an overused phrase, and two, you mention heart again on the next line: “I thank you with my whole heart.” I might try combining the lines “For being a friend./A friend is very special,” as well, to remove repetition of words. I do like your ending. Simple and honest.
Very nice!
eremiphobia reviewed Version 1 -
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you need a lot more specific imagery/description in this piece. so much of it is abstract and i understand that it is probably something you’re feeling genuinely but the way you’re expressing it is pretty trite. get specific about emotions/thoughts/conversations/surroundings/events etc. etc. and it will strengthen your poetry a lot.
Willow_Wren reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a very sweet sentiment that could easily be printed on a Hallmark card for true friendship of missing someone far away that is loved deeply. A bit of editing to make it more concise would help. “for time being” is an awkward line. But overall the narrator shows he cares.
djsquared reviewed Version 1 -
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I appreciate the sentiment, yet I feel that it is too commonplace to be publishable at this time. Take this with a grain of salt, however, as I have never been published, nor in contact with publishers. Try to freshen up your lines with more original thoughts and imagery; it lacks captivating images. Search yourself. Perhaps you could take some of the lines as themes for new poems.
mysticmyst reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought it was very good. The only trouble I had when reading it wasthe part Lifes troubles seem to cease. for time being. it slows down right there and you have to stumble when reading it. other wise it is good
chelly reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice. Almost everone has lost a family member, friend, or love that makes us just sit and think and remember. Good job.
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