Poetry / JOYOUS FAMILY

This is very nice

This piece is rather vague. From your notes it suggest something more powerful and dramatic, but when read, it doesn’t convey much.

Word wise, you have a good start, so why not finish it?? Go into detail, paint a better picture, set the mood and tell us the story of what happened to this baby.

As is, like i said, rather vague and unclear.

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July 01, 2008

by wise2owls

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79	73.5% (102 votes)	8.0%

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56	F	United States	August 26

I do have a revised version.  My daughter was on drugs when she had her second child.  They were taken from her by CPS.  She when tothe classes and tested `clean` when she went to drop.  She now has her kids back and has nomore court dates or CPS involved with her family.  Thank you for your review.

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My major problem with this poem is that it’s too specific to be a description of troubles that many parents will have to face, but not specific enough to really describe the problems that your family confronted.  Because of that it doesn’t really engender the feelings of sympathy or triumph that this sort of poem usually aims for.  If you expanded more on what the “hoops” were, it would largely solve this problem.

I would use a definite article here: ”...in the other room…” so it doesn’t sound like pidgin English.

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June 24, 2008

by wise2owls

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79	73.5% (102 votes)	8.0%

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56	F	United States	August 26

Sorry, the “hoops” are the judical system, and the “other room” is my bedroom. Thank you.  My daughter has her children back and is happy she won`t have to go through that again.            

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dont know y it gave me this one again.  i liked it the first time i read it and liked it again

I read this and heard of ones childhood and how you loss it. I love it. the piece spokes in a direct tone but it leave just enough for you to have room to enjoy freely. thank you

It almost reads as a toddler falling down. Light and bouncy at the opening, darker in the middle, and working on standing up at the end. I like the tone.

A sweet poem overall. However, I am not sure what she means: Does she already have kids or is she expecting one? What is meant by then the day arrives? What is she afraid of? Can you make this a little plainer and ask me to review it again. It looks as if it couild be made into something special.  I think that you mean to say that they are having babies? I want to help not hurt. I would also like to know what the hoops are that they jump through and what do they conquer. This can be fixed ok. Don’t despair, just repair. Thanks Sandi

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June 16, 2008

by wise2owls

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56	F	United States	August 26

The hoops are the judical system, they are done with that.  My daughter and fiancee have their two children back.

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Intriguing, but it doesn’t tell the story, does it?

I enjoyed the way you were able to convey such strong emotion in such a simple piece. Short…yet it lingers in my head after I read it. I like when the piece is able to captivate me and jerk me where it wants to. This does that.

I couldn’t find any technical errors…I am not the best with that though. I do think this is a good piece that many will be able to enjoy.

If you hadn’t wrote that your baby had gone through some rough times, and was now back with her family I wouldn’t have know what this was about.  Now that I do, I understand.  Maybe you should find a creative way to add that the baby had been removed from the home?  I can see you have talent in writing, this just needs a little more info.  I would like to read other work of yours.

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June 13, 2008

by wise2owls

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79	73.5% (102 votes)	8.0%

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56	F	United States	August 26

It isn`t my child, its my daughter`s.  They are done with court, the babies are back with their mom and dad and CPS has nothing more to say.

June 15, 2008

by sjvance

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50	F	United States	September 06

Thank God, I’m glad things are over for you all.  That can be so heartbreaking and stressful.  God is good, isn’t He?

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