This is an adaptation of a story from my country. In
the original when moon comes back her and sun argue and he throws the vegetables in her face.
There are alot of children’s stories that have parts to it that seem gruesome but I guess it depends on the reader(s) or parents reading whether they think their child should hear it.
Thank you for your comments.
Children's / The Sun, The Moon and the Stars
“MaMa?”
“Yes, Mahal Bata?”
“Where did the sun, moon and the stars come from?”
“They have been in the sky,Bata,before every living thing came to be.”
“But why does the moon and sun not hang in the sky together,MaMA?”
A long time ago,before there were any creatures walking on the earth, the Sun and the Moon were married.
When they had children, Moon forbade Sun from coming too close to them. She knew that the Sun was too powerful and she feared that he may harm the children.
Sun was saddened by this, but; he knew that Moon was right so he watched the children from a far.
One day Moon had to go to the forest to gather vegetables for their meal and she asked Sun to watch the children as they slept.
She reminded him to keep his distance and of course, he promised.
As he watched the children sleep his heart ached, for he so longed to hold them. As hard as he tried, Sun kept his distance,but; like any loving father he could not help his self.
So, Sun bent down to kiss his children, but as soon as he got close to them, they melted.
“Oh! What have I done?” he cried.
He feared what Moon would say so he hid away.
When Moon returned from the forest she saw what had happened to her children and knew that Sun had broken his promise.
Moons heart broke as she scooped up what remained of her children.
She ran away across the sky, her children scattering behind her as they fell from her arms.
To this day, Sun chases after her, trying to win back her love,but never
is he able to catch her, and that, Bata is why the Sun and the Moon are never in the sky together.
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Supernatural1 reviewed Version 1 -
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i think this is a really cute story!!! the only thing i would suggest is just reviewing commas, something everyone has problems with. great job!!!
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smileygirl reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked this simple yet moving fable. The basic story is very engaging, but it feels like the bare bones of a story just begging to be fleshed out. I think this story could really be drawn out with some imaginative and creative word choices, and by having it told with a unique tone. For example, if the story has Filipino origins, why not add a sprinkling of Filipino or Spanish words here and there? Or bring in some cultural imagery? Publishers love bringing cultural diversity to children. All in all, loved it but can really see more potential for this diamond in the rough. (:
karrina reviewed Version 1 -
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this is beautiful. i love all mythology and how each group of people tell the beginning of time. i wanted to cry reading this that’s how good this was. please keep writing.
Undone reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the story I have never heard it before and it is very original. I am not sure about it being for children though. Atleast not small children because I think it might sadden them. Maybe it would be suited better for older children. Just my opinion I have small children myself that is just my take. Other than that I really like it.
sjvance reviewed Version 1 -
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I absolutely love this story, and can just see the illustrations you would use with it. What a wonderful story passed on in the Filipino culture. Make sure the illustrations convey the culture telling the story. I would buy this for my grandchildren.
J_Lynn reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the idea of the sun chasing after the moon to win back her love, but I think the idea of the sun melting their children is too grissly that I would be afraid to read this to my daughter. These two lines in particular I fear would give her nightmares…
Moons heart broke as she scooped up what remained of her children.
She ran away across the sky, her children scattering behind her as they fell from her arms.
I think your writting style is excellent and enjoyed the story overall but wished it had a different ending, one less scary for young children.
Xina reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a very cute children’s story. Even as an adult, I enjoyed it. I appreciate the personification of the sun and moon. It’s very sad, but also has that hidden message to kids to always keep their word. Not only do they learn how the stars came to be, they learn a good lesson, too.
jessrod87 reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, being puerto rican I also come from a culture where we have very few legends. And wat we have are from the Spanish and Africans that came 2 the island. I know anyone would love 2 tell this story 2 their child. When my son is old enough id love for him 2 hear it and undertsand it. There were a few places where quotation marks and such were in the wrong place but my connection coulld just be bad lol its happened before. But keep up the good work its a great tale.
titanicbrittanic reviewed Version 1 -
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For corrections: perhaps the mother’s story telling should be in quotations since she is speaking?
In the last parapraph, you have a run on. Perhaps this is a kind of dialect (as could be his self in “like any loving father he could not help his self.”) but it may be easier to understand for children if it was broken down into a couple of sentences (commas seem to perplex children; when a child reads a book out loud, their attention always is caught by the comma. They have a hard time seeing the ‘grey areas’ commas are as compared to periods (the black) and the sentence itself (the white). What I am trying to say is, more attention would be given to deciphering the comma than the story).
Other than in this area, the commas should not be too much of a problem. They seem less compacted and the reader sees larger chunks of text between.
I love stories based on the beliefs of a culture or their sense of humor (such as the Texas tall tales I grew up with when I was REALLY little; not just an acne covered teenager like I am now LOL), so I am glad to see a story told from this perspective and so should kids. Anything ‘foreign’ (not meant as an insult) is appealing to them. It is like seeing a different world to them, as it is to most people who read foreign based books (such as the Kite Runner). Perhaps include an introduction that introduces the mother as Fillipino?
SarahBloom reviewed Version 1 -
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I absolutely LOVE this piece. I want to see it with pictures! I have a four year old son and I would definitely read this to him.
I think you should capitalize more on the Filipino aspect, because ethnic stories like this usually do really well; everyone loves to hear tales from another culture. With just a bit of editing for grammar and punctuation this would get published in a heartbeat.
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